Believe In Yourself

Emotional Eating

2012-01-29T21:55:00.000-07:00

"Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a couple of pieces of chocolate cake."

~ Anonymous

I am reading Shrink Yourself. This is not a diet - it's about learning how to deal with why you overeat. I am an emotional overeat - I binge to avoid my feelings. I binge to avoid life. I binge to avoid people. I binge to avoid to mask feelings of inadequacy, fear of the future, and to cover up feelings of failure? Make sense? If not - then you are probably not an emotional eater. The idea of eating to numb yourself probably seems ludicrous. To those who know what I am talking about - you should check out this book! I bought mine on E-bay for like $3.

I signed up for WW last week. I am excited and frustrated about this. I had a good friend get honest with me and told me to stop looking for "what works", because I already know what works. And she was right - I do. The other reality I finally faced - I can't do this alone. I've tried for the last year - and I've floundered for the last year. So I signed up. I'm a bit apprehensive about going to my regular meeting that I used to go to. I think my old leader probably ~~hates~~ is exasperated with me. I had lost 45lbs the last time I saw her. And I just stopped going. I know that's silly - she probably doesn't even care. But... I'm still nervous. I'll let you know how that goes. :) I'm frustrated to start again, because... I'm starting again. At the beginning - and that kind of sucks. Oh well... it is what it is, and I've done what I've done. Onward!

I did okay for breakfast and lunch every day this week - but I have really struggled at night! That is when all my emotional eating happens and even though I really want to eat healthy I can't seem to conquer these demons. I remembered this book and thought maybe it's time to revisit it for some assistance in dealing with my emotional eating.

This isn't going to go away over night. But it feels good to be doing something about it. It's a start. :D

Yes. I. Do!!!

2012-01-24T21:15:00.004-07:00

"On the surface it may seem like the

hard part is eating less and moving

more but in reality the hard part is

messing up but not stopping."

~ Keelie at REAL Fat

I just loved this so much! Head over to Keelie's blog and read this post. You won't regret it. Seriously, I feel like I have been stuck in mud up to my thighs for the past two years. It's just nuts. You know what? I am pretty good at dieting. And actually, I am pretty good at moving more and exercising regularly. And I used to think I was good at messing up and not stopping - but truly I think that is my down fall. Well, it's not even the messing up part. I can do that and get back up. But for no reason that I can figure out I just stop. I stop caring and I stop trying and I start eating more and moving less. I just stop.

The truth is that somewhere along the way - I did give up. I was right there - you know - an arms length away from everything I wanted. Weight wise, financially, etc. I was there. And for some crazy reason, I opened my hand and let go. And lost it all. And no matter how hard I have clamored and clawed to get it back - I just have not been able to free myself.

And now I just stare at myself in the mirror and wonder if I have it in me to get it back? I've had some really deep conversations with Mike this week. And with God. It's gotten very real around here, and really painful. And it's time. It's time for me to seriously take my life in hand and make what I want out of it. It's time for the excuses to end. It's time to lose the weight and be done with it. It's time to get pregnant and move on to the next chapter in our lives. It's time. No more waiting.

Staring in the mirror I wonder if I have it in me...
Hell. Yes. I. Do!!!!

Sam

A Wrinkle In Time

2012-01-24T08:58:00.000-07:00

So we've decided for Christmas we are going to get books for all the neices and newphews each year. They get sooo many toys, I wanted to do something different. And reading has always been a passion of mine! I'm thrilled that they all seem to love it too! I found this awesome used book store where I could buy paperback books in fairly great condition for $1.50. So instead of buying one - maybe two books new - I bought a stack of used books! Very fun! Quite a few were favorites from my childhood - and I hope they love them as much as I did.

One of the books I bought was A Wrinkle In Time. To be honest, I remembered that I loved the book - but couldn't really remember the story. I was worried it would be over their heads (this was for an 11 year old and a 7 year old) so I kept that one. I figured I would read it - and probably give it to them next year. Oddly enough, I'm so glad I did!

I finished it last night and it really is a fun book. But even more interesting was the parallel to the Gospel that I probably did not pickup on as a child. For those that have never read it - or like me it's been years - here is the recap:

You have Meg, a homely school aged girl (I imagine probably 14 or 15 or so), her younger brother Charles Wallace, and a friend they meet - Calvin a 17 year boy. They go on a fantastic journey to other worlds to save Meg's father who disappeared. On their journey they meet IT, and evil force that is trying to take over the universe and has captured her father. In Cazamotz where they find him, everyone is the same. Everyone does the same thing, thinks the same thing, and lives the same. There are no consequences, because there are no decision. There is no sadness - but there is also no joy. IT is a large brain that basically sucks a person into it's self so that IT thinks for you. And of course, in the end the thing that conquers is Love. That is my very brief summary. For one more in depth, click here.

The thing that struck me - was how alike the IT was to Satan. How he wants to take away all of our power of decision. He wants to take away all consequences. He wants to take away all of our differences. As I read this, I realized that in a lot of ways, I've bought into this plan. I thought about all those years I have been trying to be like everyone else. All the times I've looked at other people's life, family, money, body - and thought why can't I be like that? And many times, tried to look like I am that - when really I am something completely different - all in the name of fitting in. Why have I tried to hide who I am, to please others? Because if you think about it - that's falling right in to the plan of IT. Truth be told, I like the power of decision that a loving God gave me. I like the things that make me different from others.

I may not appreciate all the things about myself that I could yet. But I'm definitely on the path to getting there. And for today at least I can appreciate the fact that I am different then others - and that it's okay! I don't have to be like anyone else - I get to just be me.

Accountability 2, Report 3

2012-01-22T09:38:00.000-07:00

Well yesterday certainly did not turn out the way I planned. I was on track, until around 12pm I got a call about a family emergency. From there, my eating went down hill - but so what. We spent the afternoon and evening at the hospital with our loved ones. It seems - for now- that things are looking okay. We just kind of have to wait and see now. From here we are hoping it is mostly just about a recovery. Mike and I will be at the hospital all day today, so I don't really know what my plans look like. I'm just going to make the best choices I can, and more importantly - be there for my family. Any prayers on our behalf would be appreciated. Thanks!

Sam

Report 2

2012-01-21T09:43:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know these will get boring, so I will post other stuff too... don't worry.... if there is anyone out there reading this. :) I just need this right now. Okay, on to today...

Spiritual:

Read BOM for 15 minutes

Pray morning and night

Go to the temple

Activity:

Go to work in the office today

Workout my upper body and core for 20 min

Play games tonight with another couple

Eating:

Breakfast: 1 egg, 1 egg white, 1 piece of toast, 1 tsp butter, 2 slices of bacon (6.5 points)

Snack: 3 cups fresh popcorn (2 points)

Lunch: I don't know - they are providing it at work. I'll make the best decision I can.

Snack: 1 orange, 1 oz pistatcios (3? points)

Dinner: Chicken Chili Popovers, steamed broccoli- not sure on the points yet.

Dessert: 1/2 cup caramel corn (5 points)

64 ounces of water

Accountability 1

2012-01-20T22:29:00.000-07:00

Well today actually went really well! It's amazing what a difference it made, knowing I would have to publicly say whether I kept my word or not. While I didn't do perfect - it was a vast improvement!

Spiritually:

Read from the Book of Mormon with Mike before work. DONE

Pray with Mike before work. DONE

Read from the Book of Mormon by myself for 15 minutes, pondering, and praying about what I read. DONE

Morning and night prayer DONE

Activity/Time Wise:

Work out for 20 minutes doing upper and lower body pilates for my breaks today. 1/2 DONE - I was only able to sneak in one 10 min video.

Go to GNO tonight with the girls from the ward (instead of canceling like I usually do)

Stay actively engaged all day at work. DONE and so fun!!!

Take Willow to get her nails done - and if there is time to play at the park. :( I totally slacked here. I did play with her in the back yard, but I didn't get her nails done.

Food (29 points):

Breakfast: 1 serving greek vanilla yogurt, 1 orange (5 points)Yes!

Snack: Celery and 1 tbs of peanut butter (2 points) Yes!

Lunch: 1/2 everything bagel, 1 tbs cream cheese, cucumber slices, 1 banana (4.5 points) Yes! (Except the cucumber slices, because it turns out my cucumber was bad)

Snack: String cheese, 1 small apple (3 points) Yes!

Dinner: Cobb Salad (lettuce, ~~cucumber~~, ~~onion~~, 2 slices of bacon, pinch of Parmesan cheese, 1/2 hard boiled egg, dressing) (8 points) Yes! (Except no onion or cucumber, but I did add tomatoes and 1/3 avocado. I also had 4 slices of bacon. But this is a big improvement - usually I eat most of the package!)

GNO: Snacks. I will try to stick to any veggies or fruits that are available. I will allow myself to pick two treats, and only have 3 bites of each - using some of my weekly points. There weren't any veggies - but I did good anyway. I had a small taste of each of the items, and left off the ones that looked good - but that I wasn't really wanting. I feel good about my choices. I would say I had about 15 points worth.

Drink at least 64 ounces of water Done!

End total, I used all my 29 points, and 11.5 of my weekly points. And I am calling the day a success. Good night!

Report 1

2012-01-20T08:38:00.000-07:00

I'm struggling here. I have been for a while. I do good for a day or so, and then crash and burn. Or for a couple hours, and then crash and burn. Something sets me off emotionally during the day - and then I eat all night. But it's not just about the food either. I have not been active. I have not been doing much with my evenings. I have not spent my time wisely, and I can feel the winter blues creeping in because of it. Well... all that changes - Right. Now.

I don't know if anyone is still reading this sad little blog, but I'm going to do this anyway. I am going to hold myself accountable to... myself. I am going to use this blog to hold me accountable. Each morning I will post what my detailed plans are for the day. Meaning, exactly what I plan to do spiritually, physically, foodily (yeah, I made that one up), and time wise. Then at night, I will post again and be accountable for the choices I made through out the day. I will hold myself accountable for why I made the choices I did - and try to understand what happened if I fell off the wagon.

So here goes, here is today's plan:

Spiritually:

Read from the Book of Mormon with Mike before work.

Pray with Mike before work.

Read from the Book of Mormon by myself for 15 minutes, pondering, and praying about what I read.

Morning and night prayer

Activity/Time Wise:

Work out for 20 minutes doing upper and lower body pilates for my breaks today.

Go to GNO tonight with the girls from the ward (instead of canceling like I usually do)

Stay actively engaged all day at work.

Take Willow to get her nails done - and if there is time to play at the park.

Food (29 points):

Breakfast: 1 serving greek vanilla yogurt, 1 orange (5 points)

Snack: Celery and 1 tbs of peanut butter (2 points)

Lunch: 1/2 everything bagel, 1 tbs cream cheese, cucumber slices, 1 banana (4.5 points)

Snack: String cheese, 1 small apple (3 points)

Dinner: Cobb Salad (lettuce, cucumber, onion, 1 slice of bacon, pinch of Parmesan cheese, 1/2 hard boiled egg, dressing) (about 8 points)

GNO: Snacks. I will try to stick to any veggies or fruits that are available. I will allow myself to pick two treats, and only have 3 bites of each - using some of my weekly points.

Drink at least 64 ounces of water

Good Riddance 2011, Hello 2012!!

2012-01-17T10:00:00.000-07:00

So 2011 kind of sucked! I dealt with that awful vertigo, got sick several times, we both were dealing with depression, we didn't do a whole lot of activity, etc. Also, I haven't really mentioned this, but Mike's mom has been really sick for the last couple of years, and she passed away in August. As you can imagine, that was a really hard experience for us, and we have been just trying to deal. It was just a really tough year for both of us and I don't think either of us were sorry to see it go!

But on the other hand, we are very excited that 2012 is here! Already we have begun working on our goals. Mike is in the full swing of his 1/2 marathon training. He did 5 miles on Saturday and I am SO proud of him! He runs the Moab 1/2 in March and is going to do awesome! I've had to pull back from running because of my shin splints. From all the research I've done and what I learned as a Massage Therapist - this is one of those things that you don't want to push through because you will just do more damage. But... I think they are finally doing better. I walked on Sat and didn't have any pain in my shins. So I am thinking that I will start the 5k training next week. Yay!!

My friend Russ and I are having a contest to see who can lose 10% of our weight first. I need to lose 23.6 pounds. I had a really rough time getting started last week, so I only lost .6 in my first week. But I'm off to a good start this week - so I think my loss will be much better!

So I am back on WW again. I'm not paying to go to the meetings, I'm just doing it on my own - not in the budget, ya know? I have to kind of chuckle at myself. Willow loves to play fetch!! And when she brings you her toy, she always drops it on the floor. But if I'm sitting on the couch, I want her to put it on the couch. So I will tell her that. She will put it on the very edge, and it falls off! Then one time she will bring it up and give it to me, and I throw it. You'd think she would learn that for me to throw it, she needs to put it on the couch right? Nope, the next time she brings it, she puts it on the edge again - and it just falls off. I am just like Willow! You'd think I would just learn after so many "beginnings". I always want to try new things, but always come back to what works. And for me, what works is WW. It seems to give me that balance between not depriving myself, and yet staying on a plan. So here I am again. My goal this time is to not get distracted and try something new. I'm just going to plug along and stick to it. And only worry about today - not tomorrow or the next day. Because ultimately, I can't do anything about those days - except for maybe be prepared for them. But I can't make any decisions for them, until they are here. So I will just keep focusing on today.

How are your 2012 goals going?

Sam

Shin Splints Suck

2011-12-28T15:20:00.000-07:00

As I had mentioned, I have been running again. I ran a 10k in the beginning of Dec, which I still need to blog about. Truth be told, I wasn't ready! I tried to be, but due to getting sick twice and hurting my back for about 2 weeks, I just wasn't ready. And ever since then, every time I run, I get shin splints. Grrrrr! I am supposed to run a 1/2 marathon in April. How can I do that if I can't train??? I have not run for about 2 weeks. I'm hoping to be able to start again in Jan. I've been Icing, wearing compression sleeves, but on a cream that is supposed to help them heal. Any other suggestions? I don't want to back out of this coming race, but... I don't know if I can do it and not really damage my legs. I'm considering waiting for a different race, but I need to talk with my cousin about it. In the mean time, I'm putting my new work out videos to good use and trying to lose some weight.

Are there any runners out there with suggestions?

Give a little more...

2011-12-23T10:28:00.000-07:00

I had a dream last night that was so real! I have always been a vivid dreamer. A lot of times I'll wake up and tell Mike the crazy dreams I had, and then any question about my sanity, well... that clinches it! :) But this dream...

Honestly I don't remember the details 100%. I know I was sick, and I got shot. But I was dying - and the Dr told me I had about a week. I remember telling each of my family members. I remember telling Mike and that awful pit in my stomach realizing that I would never get to have his babies. But that I sincerely wanted him to remarry and find joy. It was one of those dreams that you wake up from, and you realize - it was a dream! And you start crying, because you are so happy it was a dream! Well... like I said... I am a bit crazy! ;)

But in actuality, there is nothing like a dream like this to pull in your perspective and help you realize, wow, it's time to make some changes. Not the kind of changes I spoke about in my last post. But things like - stop waiting until you are "healthy" to live and enjoy life! Stop being so selfish with time and money - because your going to give it all up in the end anyway! We are only given a few short years on this life, and I feel like I have wasted so many of those watching TV, playing on the computer, eating, sleeping, and hiding. I want to connect more. I want to serve more. I want to get to the end of my life - hopefully many many years from now - and look back and not have just a ton of regrets. With that said, I'm going to use my day off, and go visit some family.

This time of year always seems to bring us a little closer. I hope for you and myself, that we will all take care to not let that end when December does. But to carry that same spirit about us through out the year. To give a little more, and take a little less. Merry Christmas to you, I hope you have a wonderful holiday!

Decisions....

2011-12-17T14:24:00.000-07:00

I find myself sitting in a similar chair as I was at the end of 2009. 2009 was kind of a crappy year - and truth be told, so was 2011. Although it has ended on a high note, with some goals coming to fruition - so I feel good about that! In 2010 I made some great strides in my life, and actually made some changes. Okay - the changes didn't stick 100%, but still, there was progress. Here I am now, facing lots of the same decisions, with lots of the same emotions, and once again, just craving change. Why do we do that? Why do we allow ourselves to get stuck in the same cycle over and over again. Oh well - such is life I suppose. I guess the real question on my mind now, is what's next? What do I do differently? Do I move forward - and if so - how? (Duh - of course I move forward! :)

I have a new job - and I LOVE it! I am so glad that I left Mozy and am with Stevens Henager now. Here is some free advise - NEVER sacrifice happiness and something you love - for more money! I know that kind of seems obvious, but when you are struggling, it's not always an easy decision. Anyway, I love that I am able to work from home, and really feel like it does and is going to open up a lot of opportunities for us and myself. (Like being able to have a baby with out the panic of trying to figure out how to pay for daycare)

So now there are decisions to be made about debt, weight loss, babies, etc. But not necessarily in that order. :D

Mike and I have been having the discussion that we need to choose a time frame of when we will start working on the baby thing. It will probably take working with a fertiltiy specialist and what not. And as much as we would like to be in a certain position financially and physcially, it's never going to be picture perfect. Last summer my Dr did tell us to wait and to work on getting some weight off so we will not have to be dealing with gestational diabetes. I have lost some weight, but am not quite where I will need to be. So... with that in mind we are considering our options, and my guess is it will be some time in 2012 that we start with the testing and such.

Mike and I have some lofty financial goals this year. We want to be free of the burdens from bad choices in the past. This is going to take a lot of time, dedication, dare I say - patience, and hard work. But I truly believe we can put a dent in these burdens and finally release ourselves from the chains of our past. We have a way to do it - now comes the easy part - doing it! hahahahaha But we do have an awesome business opportunity with Mike's dad, and we are going to take it! More on that later.

And lastly, weight loss. **Sigh**

Sometimes I wonder if there will ever be a time in my life when I don't have to spend time, energy, money, emotions, and myself on trying to lose weight. When I will no longer be a "new diet" junky. When I can have a regular relationship with food. When food can simply be nutrition for my body. And I can simply be Sam.

I have met a lot of amazing people over the last two years. Some have been very successful at losing weight and keeping it off. I want to ask them how they did it - not the diet and exercise part, but how did they just keep going. And I wonder if they are stronger then me? Have more will power? Are just freaking rock stars. And I wonder, will I ever get to be on that side of it? I know this is not super upbeat and chipper - like I usually try to be. But... I'm just so stinking sick of being here. I'm almost pissed about it. No... wait... I am pissed about it! And there is only one person to blame. But I know that's not going to do me any good either. So there is only one person that can change me, and that's me. What's that saying, if you want change - then change? Here goes!

Actually, it's really not all that bad as I'm making it seem. Haha. I am actually down about 15lbs from my highest this year. I'm running regularly again. I ran a 10k in Moab at the begining of Dec and finished it. And my eating hasn't been completely rotten. I just haven't had the best couple of days eating wise, and I'm wallowing. Time to stop wallowing!

Last night I watched "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead". This is a documentary on a guy (2 actually) that go on a Fruit/Veggie Juice fast for 60 days. They both lost a ton of weight and felt great! No, I am not planning to do the same thing. But... I was thinking of giving the fast thing a try for maybe 10 days. Something to jump start my new year and my weight loss. One of the bloggers I follow, Becky, is doing this for a couple of days. (Check her site out, lots of great pictures!) So I will be very interested in seeing how it goes for her. If I like it, then I could see doing it for a little while longer. Both Mike and I are wanting to drop some weight before spring for our 1/2 marathons, so maybe this could be very helpful. Who knows? Anyone ever tried it? How was it? How did you feel? Was it yummy? Or gross? Were you starving?

Anyway... that's an update of where I am at in life. I'm really excited for 2012. I think it's going to be a monumental year. We are going to be rid of some heavy debt, hopefully have a busy (and productful) business, lose weight, enjoy some challenging races, hike like maniacs, and with any luck, maybe be pregnant by the end?

With all this thought on change, I've decided to give blogging a real try again. I think it was a big part of why I was so successful in 2010, and I want to be successful in 2012. Plus this will be a big year for us with all this going on - and I want to have some kind of journal about it all. I don't know that I have any readers left. But hopeful you/they will come back! If you are still here, thanks! Talk to you again soon!

Running 1 Mile...

2011-11-26T21:38:00.000-07:00

Hard Work! Determination! Hard Work! Determination!

I did it!

Blogging helps me be a better runner!

2011-11-05T23:50:00.001-06:00

I have started training for a 1/2 marathon in April. We have a 10k coming up at the beginning of Dec as well. Today we went running at the local in door track, which I do not love so much. I love being out doors! Anyway, as I was running, I started thinking about my blog. In 2010 when I first really learned how to be a runner, and fell in love with it, I realized it was because of blogging. In 2010 my time spent running, was my time spent with me. It was my time to think, let things go that were bugging me, to pray, and to write blog posts in my head. All this took the focus off my hurting feet, my aching back, my burning lungs, and my thumping heart. As time went on, those painful things all kind of stopped happening - and running was invigorating not only mentally - but physically as well. And as I focused inward, I was able to just run (be it slowly, but what ever). As I was jogging today, I realized that is what has been missing from my jogs. Now granted, I've only been training consistently for one week, and on and off again over the last month or so. But still, I think if I start do some blogging again, it will help me continue to be consistent and to improve.

I've tinkered with Intuitive Eating for about a year now. And I have learned a lot! I don't think I'll ever be the same when it comes to food - in a good way. However, I don't want to tinker any more. If I am going to be able to be a mom some day, then I need to stop tinkering about and get to work. I always have this debate in my head - Diet? Or Intuitive Eating? I think I've come to a solution. Both.

I've set some goals for myself that I feel really good and excited about!

1. Run 10k on Dec 3rd.

2. Run 1/2 Marathon on April 14th.

3. Lose 40lbs by April 14th.

It's been a while since I've really allowed myself or even wanted to set a number goal. But it feels right and like it's the right time. Last year I bought a diabetic management book by Bob Greene. I thought it would probably be the best way to manage my Insulin Resistance - and I had also been told it can help a bit with PCOS. This last Monday I started it - basically I am on a 1700 calorie diet with 150ish grams of carbs allowed. I have done so many diets over the years - but funny enough I have never actually just counted calories. So that has taken some adjustment. For exercise I am simply training for my races. I am using Hal Higdon's training plans. 4 weeks of the 5k, then the 10k, then the 1/2 marathon. It will take me right up to my race in April. And then I'm also meeting with (or will be) some women from my church at 6am three times a week to work out.

I was a little worried about fitting Intuitive Eating in - but it has been easy. Yes, I'm counting calories, but I'm also listening to my body. And if I don't need all the food - I don't eat it. Or if I"m hungry still, I find something that will be filling, and healthy. On Friday night we went out for Indian food (my FAVORITE!!!!). I didn't overeat though, and I felt proud of myself. We also stopped at a little bakery we've been wanting to try and I chose a fruit tart. It wasn't that good, and after a little while, I was still craving something sweet. So I had a couple of small scoops of ice cream with some gummy bears from Halloween. Seriously, it was probably only 1/4 cup. After I ate it - I started feeling guilty and talking to myself about starting again tomorrow and yada yada yada. That diet talk was so ingrained, it just came out of me with out even thinking about it. But I stopped myself. I realized, I hadn't done anything wrong. I had a respectable and healthy breakfast and lunch. I did awesome all week, and I had knowingly chosen to let myself have a yummy dinner and treat. And I hadn't gone overboard! I stopped the negative talk and that felt great too! They can coincide!

I am in this to be true to myself
I am in this to be healthy

I am in this to be a better runner

I am in this to allow Mike and I the opportunity to someday be parents
I am in this to lose weight

I am in this!

Seriously, check this out!

2011-11-03T20:37:00.000-06:00

My brother went to Mexico a few weeks ago, and he took this video... pretty amazing!

If you want to share it, here is the link: http://youtu.be/vakhLBiQKkU

Strip Me

2011-08-13T22:57:00.001-06:00

My title is so named because I was listening to this song by Natasha Bedingfield when I started writing this post and it kind of fit. Although, the song and my post are not exactly about the same topic, maybe they will be eventually. Let me explain.

This song is about power. About a woman knowing her power and calling on it. And truthfully, I'm just realizing that I have given my power away. But listening to this song gives me hope that someday I'll get there. She's saying that even if you stripped her down, you couldn't take her voice. My post is more about the fact that I am starting to strip down layers of... protection that I have built up. I am stripping myself down in a lot of ways - I feel very exposed.

Abstinence for me right now means not binging, And I have been abstinent 13 days.

I have been really emotional lately. Today was kind of an up-down-up-down-up day. As I thought about this, and the last week, I realized what might be going on. For the last 12 years or so I have used food (in the form of a binge) to cope with... everything. Sure, I've had moments of sanity. But a good majority of that time I have been hiding. I have buried myself in food (and books, TV, and spending money). I haven't faced my life honestly, or those around me really. It has been my way to
get by. To hide from my feelings most especially. So... this last two weeks I've taken that away. And my feelings are raw and exposed. And honestly I haven't managed them in the best way. I think the Lord knew I just needed some time letting go of the binge (which is far from complete - but it's a start), and that I wasn't ready to face this. But tonight it was put in front of me that just not binging isn't enough. I also get to start learning how to manage these feelings so they don't come out exploding on anyone standing within 20 feet!

Like I said, I am stripping myself down. It hurts and it feels right. It's difficult to take a hard long look at yourself and to learn a new way to live. But I just know that the outcome will be well worth the effort!

Mish-Mash of Happenings

2011-08-06T09:35:00.000-06:00

In this post you'll read about Over-eaters Anonymous, Abstinence for me, Wendy's Chicken Nuggets and Fries, a Car Accident, and lastly my dinner at an African restaurant.

This has been a good and wild week!

Overeaters Anonomouyos

I should probably learn how to spell "anonomoyous" as I spell it wrong EVERY time and have to spell check it!( I left my original spelling for you to see what I mean) Ha! Anyway... I attend a small group that has only been going for about a year or so. We usually have about 6 or7 people and a big night is 7 or 9 people. Well... this Thursday, there were 16 people!!! It was huge!!! So exciting! It's amazing the energy that comes from having that many people there having the same struggles and working the same steps.

Abstinence

If you read my last post, then you already read about my answered prayers. What I didn't really tell you, is that along with those answered prayers came abstinence. I have been abstinent for 5 days. Abstinent right now is simply not binging. I am going to define it a little more then that, but want to do that with my Sponsor. I have a person in mind for my sponsor, but haven't made it official yet. The last time I did this a couple of months ago, I was abstinent for about 9 days I think. And claimed I was on Step 3 or 4. But the thing about it was, I had to claw my way through each of those 9 days to not binge. It was hard.

The difference this week is I used a workbook that goes along with the 12 steps. I did a lot of journaling for the first step. And through that journaling, my eyes were thrust open regarding some issues I've been giving a blind eye to. Step one states that "We admitted we were powerless over food and that our lives had become unmanageable". This was always a hard one for me to swallow or to own. It felt negative and defeating to me. But this week through my journal and answering the questions in the work book, it became very apparent to me that it is in fact truth. My life has become unmanageable. Sure there are parts I do okay with. But for the most part, it's spinning wildly! And the fact that I am powerless over my food - well... the fact that I have lost and gained 20-40lbs about 7 or 8 times in the last 7 years, I think speaks loudly enough for that.

I was answering the question "Am I in touch with my feelings or have I buried my anger and fear in false cheerfulness?". And as I wrote that I am not in touch with my feelings (and often use fake cheerfulness to hide that). And that I use to need a trigger such as anger or fear to trigger a binge, but that I no longer do. I just binge because that's what I do. And if I do in fact have an emotional trigger - all the better because now it's justified. That is the moment when I realized that I truly have given my power over to food. And there was something truly freeing about this. It wasn't as if the hope had been sucked out of me as I expected it would be. To the opposite, I felt like there was this weight lifted off my shoulders and I was finally free. The truth shall set you free!

This week, it was probably about Wed or Thurs before I thought to myself - "Hey self, we haven't been binging! Yay!", after which followed a prayer of gratitude. Because really, this didn't come from me or self. It came from God. I am going to put together an abstinent vase today. I was reading one of my previous posts about meditation being like a book, and each time you do, it's like turning a page. Doesn't feel like much, but when you see those pages start adding up - it shows how far you've come. I was thinking that I might make a visual aid of my abstinence, so that even though one day may not feel like much, I'll be able to see how far I am coming. I'll post pictures when it's done.

Wendy's Chicken Nuggets and Fries

We went to visit some family this week, and they had just had Wendy's for lunch. Mike stole a couple fries and I grabbed one from him. It was good, and I wanted another. After we left I suggested that we stop by Wendy's to get some Spicy Nuggets (which I LOVE) and a fry. So we stopped and each got a Spicy Nugget and a large fry to share. I didn't feel guilty about this. I was hungry. And I didn't feel like there was so much food that it would turn into a binge. I slowly enjoyed my tasty nuggets, and had my share of the fries. Yum! But as we drove, it sat in my belly and I noticed something. Fried foods do not make me feel good. It wasn't painful necessarily, but I could tell that it wasn't really giving me any energy, I could feel it just sitting in my stomach like a rock, and I was just uncomfortable. It was just one of those moments where I could be honest with myself that the choice I had made was not a good one. Not because of guilt but because it didn't make me feel good. And the next time I'm craving nuggets, I hope to remember this lesson and that I will choose something that will not only taste good, but will give me energy and help me feel good!

Car Accident

Last night I was in a car accident coming home from work on the freeway. It wasn't terrible, and no one was hurt thank goodness! It was right before some off ramps, and some guy was not paying attention and all of the sudden slammed on his brakes. The guy behind him swerved and missed him, but the girl behind him hit him, and I hit her. We weren't going very fast, so luckily the damage was really minimal. My car and the girl's car (she was 16 and freaking out - I felt bad for her!) only really had scratches. The first guy his bumper was fallen slightly and will need some work. Anyway, so we called the cops, they came, we got off the freeway, filled out the paperwork, and then waited for what seemed like forever. Finally he came and gave us the other drivers info, our tickets and we were able to leave. As I said, no one was hurt. But it's so crazy the adrenaline that rushes through you. For the first 10 min after it happened I couldn't get my hands to stop shaking. And then I was totally fine, laughing about it even! It wasn't until he gave me my ticket and I drove away that I started crying - not because I was hurt - but because we would have to pay a ticket. And that our insurance could go up. We just can't afford those right now. Luckily Mike has been working some overtime but I HATE HATE HATE that his hard work will have to pay for this, instead of go on debt. I don't feel like I wasn't paying attention, it just happened, but it still sucks. Oh well... it could have been SOOOO much worse! I'm just so grateful that no one was hurt and that the damage really was minimal.

African Restaurant

So my friend introduced us to this African restaurant and we love it! The food is sooo tasty! I made a picture of it to show you what it looks like and to tell what it comes with. You have this spongy bread that you rip into pieces and sop up the different foods and eat it with your hands. So good! If you're in the Salt Lake valley, you should give it a try!This picture is of their Ultimate Combo for Two.

What a beautiful week!

2011-08-04T21:43:00.000-06:00

I have to say, it really has been a great week (with some clouds, and thunder storms - both in the literal and emotional sense, but that's for another post)!! Just having my blog back, even though I've only posted once, has been great! I can't believe how much I missed it.

Also, a week or so ago I had a pretty lengthy discussion with God and got some answers. I am approaching my relationship with Christ in a new way and I love it! I feel like I am in a better space about who God is, what He expects of me, and what I need to do. Because of this communication, I have several things I have felt prompted to do.

One was to cancel Netflix. That was hard! We just have been watching too much TV, which leads to much laziness and eating! So we did it! This means the only thing we really have access to are our movies, and the occasional show on Hulu. I feel really good about this move!

Another one was to stop hiding socially, and to have some conversations I've been avoiding. I have started working on the not hiding, and had the conversations I was avoiding. Let me just say, I have wonderful people in my life and I love them!

The last one is to get a blessing from Mike, which will be done this Sunday.

Overall, I'm feeling very good about all this. I feel like I have been asked to do something, and finally held up my end of the bargain. God always does his part, I'm the one that falls short. But I guess that is where that new perspective I mentioned comes in.

I used to always pray with guilt. Do you know what I mean? Like everything I had done was bad and wrong, and that made me a bad and wrong person. If you asked me to describe God to you, I would have said he was a loving, kind, and forgiving Father that want us to be happy (and much more of course). But in my prayers, I wasn't really acting like that was my belief. The way I would pray and think, it was if he was a cruel man that withholds from me when I am "evil" and that he is berating me for not being perfect - even though He wasn't. I was the one holding onto that perception. And because of that, two way communication was limited. Have you ever tried to have a relationship with some that you feel like doesn't "get you"? Well that's exactly what was happening! I wasn't really getting Him.

I had some ah-ha moments recently and as such, have tried to change the way I pray. To pray in a loving manner not only to God, but also myself. To not let my own self disappointments and frustrations come out in my prayer, and not to mistake those feelings as if they are God's feelings. I have found that by doing this, I am much more open to receiving the Spirit, and to really hearing what Heavenly Father is trying to say to me and to teach me about myself and Christ.

I'm not sure if I'm making sense, I'm kind of tired.

Anyway... it's been beautiful! And because of this shift, it has been a very different week for me. As has this post. I was planning to post about Over-eaters Anonymous and my experience with Wendy's spicy chicken nuggets today. But... my fingers took me in a different direction. Guess you'll have to come back tomorrow night for those stories!!

Night!

Breaks over... back to work!

2011-07-30T22:40:00.001-06:00

I have missed this. I have missed you! I wish you were here so I could give you a big hug! I've also missed writing and sharing my thoughts. It has been a good break, but it's time to get back to work.

If you are still around, leave me a comment and tell me what you're up to. I missed you!

As for me? Well, I'm still working at the same place - but I feel a lot more confident in my performance. I am still in Young Womans, and LOVING it! We went to girls camp and it was so fun! My raspberries are in full bloom and growing like crazy! My fall bushes are as tall as me! I am still overweight - yes I gained all my weight back. More on that in a minute.

Some new things, I'm bleaching my teeth - and it's working! I recently started walking again with some friends, and am really enjoying that and hoping to walk with my cousin in a 5k she is planning in September to support research for Hydrocephalus. If you are interested in getting involved, they are looking for donations, volunteers, and of course - walkers!

I have been diagnosed with Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and Insulin Resistance, and am taking Metformin. It seems to be helping my blood sugar from dropping out on me. My doctor has advised us to hold off on getting pregnant for a little while until I lose some weight and get my numbers under control. This is really hard, and not easy for us. I pray we can just continue being patient and focusing on what needs to be done to eventually allow us to grow this little family.

As I had mentioned, I have gained all my weight back. Don't worry, this isn't going to turn into another post bemoaning the past and whining about my weight gain. I'm over it. The reason I mention it is because it has opened my eyes to the fact that there are underlying issues here. Big issues. And the truth is that until I deal with those, I will be overweight. I may be able to force myself to follow a diet and exercise for a period of time. I may even be able to delude myself into thinking that by following a diet and exercising a ton I'm "in control" and "healthy". But... it's not true (for me). And the longer I try and force myself to "lose weight" with only diet and exercise, the more miserable I will be.

So where does that leave me?

With diet and exercise of course! :) Well... not a diet really. I am still kind of torn between Intuitive Eating and having guidelines. I don't have it all figured out yet. But I know that I need both. I need to be free to be myself and to trust my body. And I need guidelines because I am an addict. I have a disease. And it won't go away by just hoping that it will. This may not sound very hopeful, but honestly, I have more hope then I have had in a long time. Because for the first time in a long time, I'm being honest with myself. Really honest. Painfully honest.

Hi, my name is Sam and I am a compulsive over-eater.

I am attending Over-eaters Anonymous and have just begun working the 12 steps. This will include a lot of soul searching, journal writing, prayer, meditation, and self reflection. It also includes service to others, learning to let go of my selfish desires, and finding out what God wants of me. Within the next two weeks I'm hoping to have found a sponsor as well. Someone who will work with me on creating a food plan, give me challenges, help me work the steps and most importantly - hold me accountable until I can hold myself accountable.

My ultimate goal and path right now, is a spiritual and emotional one. I need to heal from the inside out. And I really and truly believe that if I can do that, the weight will fall off with out much of a thought from me. I plan to use my blog as an outlet in sharing what I am learning. I once asked the question of my readers if peace and then weight loss comes first. Or if weight loss and then peace comes first. I got a lot of varying responses. After my experiences from the last year, I've decided that for me, I must find peace, and then I'll have the weight loss.

I have my answer, now I just need to go forth and do.

I love you!

2011-06-07T11:03:00.000-06:00

I've decided that for now I am going to stop blogging. I haven't been really doing much anyway, but just in case there are still a few of you out there reading, I just wanted to say thanks. Thanks for reading, supporting, and loving me. I'll be back some time, and I'll be keeping the same URL.

I love you, stay strong, and remember - you are worth the fight!

A new book....

2011-05-21T22:25:00.000-06:00

"If you try to get back the experience you had yesterday, you'll miss what God has for you today."

~Clint Brock

My mediation teacher, Clint, said two things this week that I thought were very poignant. The first is the quote above - which I'll talk about in a second. The other was that meditation is like reading a book. Each time you meditate, it's like turning a page. It may feel like nothing is happening and that it's insignificant. But day by day, page by page, you start to see it stack up. And before you know it, you are a changed person. So this week in Meditation group there was a woman who shared her experience during our meditation. She has been doing this for 5 years. She had been away for two weeks and said that she felt like she was back at day one. Page one. She said it felt awkward and silly, and embarrassing. I had a thought I shared with her after it was all over. Maybe she is at page one, but... maybe it's a different book.

Folks, I am starting a different book. I've finished and said good bye to the last one, it was a really good one, I must say. However I am looking forward to this new one. "Last Year, 45lbs lost, weight watchers, etc" was my book last year. And it seems I've clung to it with all the tenacity I have. Held tight to it for fear that if I truly let it go, if I finally admit that it's over, I'll be a failure. But the truth is, Clint is right. If I keep trying to get back the experience of yesterday, I will miss what God has in store for me today. Last year was beautiful. It was full of lessons about myself, God, and how to be a better person to others. It was filled with adventures and beautiful mountain sides. It taught me that I can do hard things. And just because it's over, doesn't mean I have to give back those lessons. They get to stay with me.

And so I let go of yesterday, to take hold of today.

Self realizations & commitment

2011-05-05T22:34:00.000-06:00

Last night I went to a meditation group. I was scared to go, but I did it. I don't like group settings. Especially when I don't know anyone, and no one could go with me. I've noticed that the heavier I am, the more anxiety I get about being around people.

The group had about 40 people. My teacher, Clint, was my meditation teacher in Massage Therapy school. He did some teaching for about 30 minutes and then we meditated for about 30. It was not a great meditation for me.

He really hammered home 2 ideas. One, that the only reason to meditate is to come to God in prayer and meditation. The other idea is that with meditation you can not go into it with an agenda. With things you want to "fix". That you have to just surrender your life over to a higher power and allow that power to work in you. We have to invite it into every part of our being. To accept that if we want to really have lasting change, that change is none of our business. That we have to let this higher power in, and let it make the changes it infinitely knows is best for us.

To me, the Higher Power is God the Father, and his son Jesus Christ. And I do believe what Clint was teaching us. So often we talk of faith as believing that we can be helped as a principal. We talk of it as doing things because we have been asked to. I do believe those to be a part of faith. But I also believe that what Clint was talking about was a higher level of faith. I believe it's the part of faith where we actually let the Lord heal our spirits, and by doing so we can come to a point where we follow the commandments, not because we have been asked to, but because doing the will of God is the only thing we seek. To do that, you have to surrender. It's scary to surrender one's control. To let go of our wants and desires, to allow the will of God to be the controlling factor in our life. Even to someone you trust as much as God.

The instant he told us to close our eyes and just be in our bodies, I revolted at the idea. Tears instantly sprang to my eyes and I did not want to be there. This vehement anger at my body and self rose up in my throat and I wanted to scream. But I didn't. I closed my eyes, I let the tears stream down my face, and I breathed.

It became apparent to me that I have not really been present in my body. I've been so focused on other things and fixing things (like what's "wrong" with me, what is broken, things that I've broke in precious relationships, etc), that I haven't allowed myself to feel what is really going on. Inside me. I've been allowing outside influences and other people's opinion matter more then my own. And certainly more then God's opinion.

In this moment of meditation, I was overcome by these emotions that I've been suppressing. Mostly anger. Anger at myself. Anger at loved ones who I feel have betrayed me recently and long ago. I think I suppress this emotion a lot because I am scared of contention. I am scared of that feeling that comes with it. I'm scared of making others feel bad. And I don't feel like I deserve the right to feel angry. Anger is selfish and is a bad feeling to have....

The whole meditation I just sat in this emotion, like sitting down in a puddle of muddy water. It was so uncomfortable! Usually meditation is yummy, warm and safe. This was hard, with jagged feelings, and I was acutely aware of my body. The aches I haven't even noticed and don't know how long they've been there. The feeling that I am stuffed inside of this body and it's not really my body.

At the end I came away with the distinct impression that the reason I had to sit in these feelings was to realize that they are not evil. That I am allowed to feel anger. I am allowed to feel betrayed and hurt. And that by feeling that way - does not make me a selfish or bad person. It's what I do with those feelings that determines the kind of person I am.

I have a right to feel angry.

I have been unwilling and unable to really commit to anything over the past 4-6 months. Except eating a lot of food. I've been stagnant. I've been depressed and unable to see through the muck. But recently, things have been starting to change...

Several weeks ago, I committed to Mike to stop being stagnant. It was the weekend of General Conference. We had some amazing chats. We committed to working through the bumps and to making things better. We committed to sticking to our budget better, to getting out of debt. We committed to treating each other with more kindness and love. We committed to holding each other accountable and to no longer enable each other. To push each other to be better! We also agreed on some things that could be done to help this depression so that it won't plague our home anymore. And things have been really great! I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO blessed to have this man in my life. I adore him to the core and am daily amazed at his goodness.

At that same time, I committed myself to keeping the kitchen clean and to take better care of the house. I'm delighted to say that our kitchen has remained clean for 5 weeks straight! I know that for most people that may not be a big deal. But to me it is huge. For us it is huge. I have also kept up on the laundry, and the general cleanliness of our home. Last weekend, I even hung pictures in our house. Finally. It feels good to take ownership of this, and the spirit in our home has increased.

My weight loss journey has remained the same. I have not been dieting. Had no desire to diet. I have been eating a lot and over eating a lot. I have been more active, which has been good. But at the same time hard. Because it brings to light how truly out of shape I am. And that is painful, both physically and mentally.

As I have done some research, I have realized I have an eating disorder. I am a compulsive over-eater. This is probably not surprising to anyone who has been reading my blog. It's not really surprising to me either. It's just something I am finally ready to face. And deal with. And move past. I've been studying about how to deal with this. I've considered counseling, group therapy, moving to India :D, etc. I believe that through prayer I've come to the best solution for me (and us, as this does effect Mike too).

So I am committing myself to two things in regards to myself. One, I truly believe for me to find peace, to be healed, and to be able to move past this addiction, I need Christ. I cannot do this alone. If I give myself to him, he will turn me into my best self. I believe this begins with daily meditation and scripture study.

The other thing I am committing to is Over-Eaters Anonymous. There is a small group near my home that meets once a week. I am going to attend and work the 12 steps. There are no specific food rules, you decide all that on your own. For now, I am just committing to honoring my hunger. This will change and be modified as I start to feel ready and more comfortable with it. But for now, this is what I can commit to. For this week. We'll see what next week brings.

I meditated this morning on my own, and it was beautiful. It was warm and safe and what I expect it to be. I know it won't always be. I know that by meditating there is going to be stuff the spirit pulls out and works on. And it's going to hurt. But I know that I will be better for it. A better wife, a better daughter, a better sister, a better friend, and ultimately a better me. A me that I can come to love and enjoy being. And for now, that picture and hope is enough to get me through.

Obsession vs. Passion

2011-04-20T20:42:00.000-06:00

I'm reading a new book called Shrink Yourself. It falls in line with the Intuitive Eating type of thinking, but really I think anyone wanting to lose weight would benefit from it. It's all about learning how to be free from emotional eating. First he teaches you the principals, then the last part is actually going through sessions to get to the heart of things.

One of the things he talks about is finding what you have a passion for. This got me thinking and trying to figure out what I have passion for. I'm not talking about the obvious things - God, family, and such. I DEFINITELY have passion for those things and they bring much joy to my life. I'm talking more about passion that will help me overcome my overeating. Hobbies, things that you want to do instead of eat when things get tough.

If I really think about it, I've only really had passion for a few things. Boys, friends, reading, camping, stamping (for a while), and.... food. And really - food and my weight have been the one constant in all the years. I can look back at old journals and can probably count on one hand the entries that don't speak about weight. But then I start thinking about it and realized that I don't have a passion for my weight - I have an obsession. I started wondering, what's the difference?

The actual definitions:

Obsession: The domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, or desire, etc.

Passion: A strong affection or enthusiasm for an object, concept, etc.

I realize that I have had an obsession for weight loss for years, but what I really want, is a passion for living a healthy life - and making our home a place where Mike and some day our children - can also live healthy lives.

The question really becomes, how do you know you have passion - not obsession. And does it really matter?

I have some thoughts on this, but I want to know what you think. What are your thoughts on obsession vs. passion. Is one more useful then the other? Do you think obsession is a negative thing? If so - how do you over come it in your journey? Or do you use it as a catalyst to make something happen? Tell me your thoughts!

Ripping Off the Scab

2011-04-06T23:42:00.001-06:00

I had a really awesome weekend last weekend. It was General Conference for our church. This is when we get to hear from the leaders of our church. There are four session, each 2 hours. I know that seems like a lot - but it goes by so fast! Luckily they print all the speeches in the Ensign so we can read and study them. I got a few answers I've been looking for.

I also had a couple of tough conversations with some loving family members. This was not what I was really expecting to come from the weekend - but I'm so glad that it happened. To respect them, I am not going to give names, but, you know who you are. Thank you! Thank you for your honesty, your love, and support. I love you!

I've come to realize that learning about ones self is kind of like picking a scab. I know this is gross, but bear with me. When you have a wound that you didn't really take care of properly, and it has a ugly big scab over it, and it's all itchy, don't you just want to take that scab off. I do! At first, you just pick at it here and there, itch it a little. But soon, you have one end of it up a little. And although you know it's going to hurt, you soon realize that it's going to drive you crazy unless you just rip it off. And once you do, that wound is now exposed. Vulnerable. Maybe even bleeding. You can choose to ignore it, deal with the blood quickly, and let it scab over again. Or, you can give it some proper care and allow it to heal in a way that is less painful and will not leave such a scar. I think this is a lot like self reflection, or like learning about ourselves. Sometimes there are things that we know are there, just under the surface. And a lot of the times, we've built this shell to protect it, and ourselves from it. But because we know it's there, we pick at it, until finally one day either by choice, or because someone does it for us, that shell gets ripped off. And we are vulnerable and exposed. Here in lies the choice though. We can choose to ignore it, handle only the absolutely necessary part of it, let it get infected again, and finally be covered up. Or we can choose to nurture our wounded self. Deal with the feelings, and help it to be an actual healing process.

I am going through this process. It isn't pretty. It's painful, and ugly and hard. And I know that my blog has not really been very fun to read as of late, and I'm sorry. But I have to take this time to really deal with this stuff and to heal. I know that most of my readers are weight loss bloggers. And you probably want to read about others doing what you are doing. And here I am saying I don't have any goals, I'm not dieting, and that you should except yourself where you are. I guess what I'm saying is, there will some day be outdoor adventures, and new discoveries again, there will be goals and dreams again. But right now I am making discoveries about my heart, soul, and mind. Like I said, it isn't pretty, but it's real. And if you think you can lose your weight without dealing with this stuff too - your kidding yourself. I'm not saying you have to do it the way I am by any means - but hopefully you can identify with what I'm going through - and it will help you on your journey too!

I learned some lessons and things about myself this weekend. Some from the conference and spirit I felt while watching it, some from the conversations I mentioned, and some from personal reflection. I wanted to document them, so I'd remember. Here we go - ripping off the shell:

I am crazy. But here is the kicker - most women are because of hormones. Let's face it, my hormones are off kilter. This is why I am so up and down. This is why I don't have periods. I personally think, this is what is holding my body back from getting pregnant on it's own right now. Today my blood sugar dropped so fast and low at the grocery store, it was scary! If I hadn't of had my cart, I'd probably not have been able to walk. Between these two things, my hormones and blood sugar, I think it's time I go to the Dr and find out what my options are. I need to know what is going on, and I am ready to start getting things in balance. While I'm not happy about the idea of taking drugs, Mike and I have discussed it, and we feel it's the right thing to do. Hopefully it will be a temporary thing and as I lose weight again, my body will balance out, and I'll be able to stop taking them.

I enable Mike, and he enables me. We use each other as an excuse to not do things. We've discussed this, and are going to work on not giving in. Giving in to spending money we don't have, and eating excessively. To call each other out on it, and to not get mad when the other does call us out. I know, this will be tricky, but I think it's a good step for us.

I don't want to have a baby, right now. This one is really a tough one, and it breaks my heart to even see it, but it's true. And I need to let that be okay for now. I've been tying my body size to my inability to have children. Which is partially true - at least if what the doctors are telling me is true. But at the same time, as was recently pointed out to me, they have drugs I could take. I could probably get pregnant (hopefully) rather quickly. And up til now, we have not pursued those options. Kind of strange for a couple who claims they want a baby so bad? I think what it comes down to is, we're not ready. Part of my fear is people will judge us for this decision, but I guess that's okay. We are not saying we don't want to have kids, just not at this moment. I personally need to be free of the pressure for a while that I have been putting on myself. The pressure that was causing so much guilt and anxiety surrounding babies and my weight. I will have children, one way or another - when the time is right. And because we are taking this time - and being given this time as the case may be - we will be awesome parents (if I do say so myself)!

**Update 4/7/11** I wrote this post late last night, and when I finished and went to bed, it was with a heavy heart. Which is weird, because usually a post like this leaves me feeling free. I pondered what it was, and I realized it was the statement "I do not want to have a baby" from the previous paragraph. I do want to have a baby. I do want to be a mother. I think by saying I don't, I'm not really being true to myself, or to Mike. But at the same time, I do recognize that there are things holding me back. All this time I've been blaming the holdup on my body. I guess now I am just acknowledging that part of the hold up is me. I'm not ready - even though I really want it. This feels more true, and now I feel free. :)

It is very important for me to keep the kitchen clean. It seems in every home, there is the hub. The room that everything seems to revolve around. For us as a family, I would say that room is actually the living room. This is where we spend most of our time. However, for me as an individual, it's the kitchen. The kitchen and my mood seem to be joined at the hip. If the kitchen is messy, if there are dishes to be done and trash all over (yes this happens, because I am not a great house keeper), I am more likely to be grumpy. I am less likely to want to do anything productive - at all. And the VERY last thing I want to do is cook. There have been many a night we ate out, because I couldn't bear to enter the kitchen. Thus putting a burden on our bank account - and my love handles, and my sweet husband. But... when the kitchen is clean, I am much more productive. I want to eat healthy and cook. I want to exercise. I am in a happy mood and enjoy being home. As such, I am working really hard to do the dishes every day. A novel idea - I know. I have done it every day this week - and it actually hasn't been too bad. I've actually enjoyed it! Who would have thought!

Lastly, I don't have to lose weight. But if I want to, I need to do it for myself. As I mentioned, I have been tying my weight to having children. I have also been wanting to do it for Mike. I have also wanted to do it for my parents. And in some ways, I've wanted to do it for my blog and my readers. All these wants are not really bad - but they are hindering me. In trying to make the whole thing an unselfish act that I am doing for someone else - I've turned it into a way to receive approval, acceptance, and love. But I don't need their/your approval and love because I'm thin. They (and hopefully you) already love me for who I am - right now! It's me that doesn't love me right now. It's me that does not accept and approve of who I am. And maybe that's the problem. Maybe that's the whole crux of it. One, that sometimes you do have to accept yourself as you are - before you can really move on. And two, that the changing of oneself needs to come from a place of love and acceptance by one's self to truly be life altering. Not sure this line of thinking is coming out clearly. Hopefully you get what I mean.

I've ripped off some scabs recently, faced some the things underneath. And I feel better. With each one of those things I've dealt with, I've found a little love, and acceptance. It's going to take some more time. Take some more searching. But I do think I can learn to believe in myself again. I believe I'll get to that point where I can truly say that I love being me. Love being in my skin. And love my body.

Last year, things were good. And I dealt with some stuff, but I avoided a lot. I see now, I did not really dig in. I guess maybe I didn't see a need to, because things were so good. Why dredge up the yucky stuff. But now I see it was all there. And while I did learn those very valuable lessons that I learned, for them to be truly lasting - I have to deal with the yucky stuff. I guess that's my point I want to leave you with. If things are good for you right now - use that as a time to go in and heal some old wounds. Because it is much easier to do it when times are good, because you have a better perspective and outlook. Your less likely to get sucked into the stories that the yucky stuff tries to feed you. Because if you don't they just creep back in a get you.

Fool me a 100 times (that's how many times it seems I've been sucked in), shame on you (bad things), fool me 101 times, shame on me. Time to take the reins, and rip off the scab....

I feel....

2011-03-31T21:18:00.000-06:00

Tired....

Sick of being tired....

Angry....

Frustrated.....

A sense of urgency....

Guilt....

Stuck in cement....

whinny....

Seeing a theme?

Seriously, I think what I really need is just a kick in the pants. My last four of five posts were all upbeat and motivational - and I enjoyed writing them. And I really felt in the moment that the words were true. And I still do. I'm just having a really hard time acting on them. I'm having a hard time acting... period. I am doing much better then I was in January, I'm not just sitting and watching my life completely pass me by. But I guess I know I could be... should be... want to be doing more. And I don't know why I'm not. And every morning I wake up and think today is the day. I am going to have my act together today. And then.... something happens... or nothing happens... and I just don't. And it's not like I'm going after perfection here. I just want improvement.

Okay, to be fair, there has been improvement. I have been cooking a few more nights then I was. I have been cleaning more then I was. I have been eating out WAY less then I was. I have been reading my scriptures more. I have been focusing more on Mike. In April we are going to living on cash, and I'm excited about that. I'm excited to really start paying off some debt.

But my thoughts are still just so muddled. And so stuck. Last year I had a friend that was in a similar position. And I kept thinking, doesn't she know how amazing she is? Doesn't she know that if she did it once, she can do it again? Even though I have been there, lost and gained before. I didn't really understand. I had forgotten. But now, here I am. And now - I understand! Wow do I understand. And while I know what needs to be done, somehow, it feels like I'll never be able to do it.

Once of my favorite blogs, Real Fat, talked about the key to success. And I KNOW that she is right. I know that the reason I gained, is because I stopped. And that I can continue being stopped, and I can be a failure. Or, I can wake up tomorrow and try again. That if I keep taking baby steps, every day. I'll eventually get to where I want to be. If I don't stop I can succeed, even if it takes a long time!

I'm in that place. That middle ground of the cycle. Do you know what I mean? That place where you are on the fence. You've got one leg over and your trying to decide which way to go. You know what way you want to go, but your fear is holding you back.

All these things keep jumping out at me. Phrases in songs, scriptures, movies even. They all are urging me to go through the fear, give up control, and just jump to the other side of the fence. That God loves me, that he will forgive me, if I just ask. That I should forgive myself.

And then there is the guilt. Oh the guilt. The guilt of knowing what I gave up. The guilt of knowing how stupid it is that I am stuck on something so insignificant like this - when there others out there suffering from things so much worse - and doing it with a great attitude. Guilt from not being able to move past it. Guilt from wasting my life pinning after what was, and not doing something about it.

I told you, I feel whinny (and am whinny, sorry).

I want to find the silver lining here. I want to be able to end this on a positive note, because that's what I do. But I just don't have it in me tonight. I am what I am, and today this is it. I'm frustrated. If someone wanted to, they could just come push me off the fence. Thanks.

Exactly Who We Are Is Just Enough

2011-03-25T18:20:00.000-06:00

I found this song the other day, and I just LOVE it! There are so many good messages in it. We are Kings and Queens. Exactly who we are is just enough. God loves us and wants us to succeed. There is a place for us - we belong. I was thinking about it yesterday as I listened to it, and it's so true!

I was thinking of my family, friends, co-workers, my young women, everyone I know. I was thinking of how much respect and love I have for each of these people. And how I just so much appreciate who they are. Right now. Not who they will be or could be, but who they are. Their goodness, kindness, spunk, selflessness, special talents they have and so often share with others, their smile and laughter, and most of all their love. I know the most amazing people. I'm just so blessed. And I guess I just really wanted to say thank you. Thank you for being such good examples to me.

It's a really interesting thought if you think about it. How can a person be enough exactly as they are, and yet.... have things they need to fix? Or Improve? Do you get what I'm asking? If a person believes they are broken, how do they at the same time believe that they are enough?

Close your eyes - go on, do it - and think to yourself "Exactly who I am is enough". What comes up? What feelings? What thoughts? Do you have peace? Do you feel it's true? Do you instantly want to list all the reasons that's not true? Do you have confidence in that? Do you have some panic, or fear? Do you feel inadequate? Or do you feel your strength?

I think so often, it's easy to see the goodness in others. It's easy to tell someone, "Exactly who you are is enough". But when we say it to ourselves, it's a whole different ball game!

Why do you think that is?

I think that for me, it really comes down to lies, and broken promises. We all go through experiences in life. Some people have gone through awful things. Some people have been sheltered. But everyone has had moments that changed them. That hurt them. That made them doubt themselves, their abilities, and their worth. Where they made the choice to give up on themselves, because their not worthy. Some of these experiences had only to do with one's self, and some of them were brought on by the poor choices of others. And some of them were brought on to others by one's own poor choices, after all we all make mistakes.

I think a lot of the time, the lies come from the stories we tell ourselves about the experiences we've had.

If someone made a bunch of promises to us, and they kept breaking them, soon we would lose trust in that person. We wouldn't value their input as much perhaps. We might begin to discount their feelings, and become desensitized to future promises. I think the same thing happens with ourselves.

I personally believe we were born to privilege and with that comes specific obligations. We have the potential to be great! We are not going to reach our full potential, if it's just given to us. And so this life comes with it's trials, and hurts, and pains. And one of the biggest hurdles to overcome? Ourselves. We must learn control, trust, love, forgiveness. We're always taught these principals apply to our relationship to others - which of course - they do. But it seems we are not taught until much later in life - that this MUST apply to ourselves as well.

So how do we overcome all of it? How do we get to the point were we can truly and honestly say "Exactly who I am is enough"! I think it's by learning to love ourselves. To forgive ourselves for the past. Learning to control our own power, and learning how to make it work for us, instead of against us. Each of us has power of choice. Some of us use it to serve others and to stand up for ourselves when necessary, and some of choose to give it away. Maybe to another person, or maybe to, oh I don't know... food? And we work on trust. We can either continue to break the trust by making decisions that are in opposition of where we want to go, or we can start earning trust again by making simple choices every day that take us one step closer.

It's time!

It's time to look yourself in the eye and say, the power is mine, and I'm taking it back!

It's time to love yourself, by forgiving yourself. Say your sorry (even to yourself if needs be), and let it go!

It's time to realize you're not broken!

It's time to take the power back and use it for good by standing up for yourself and others!

It's time to earn the trust you're worthy of!

It's time to not just think that some day you'll be enough, oh no....

It's time to realize that "Exactly who you are is just enough" right now!

It's time!

A Christmas Carol... in March

2011-03-21T21:17:00.001-06:00

So I have been visited by some Ghosts. That's right, you heard me. I was visited by the Ghost of Weight Loss Past, Ghost of Weight Loss Present, and Ghost of Weight Loss Future. Each of them has taken me for a different journey, and opened my eyes to some truths.

Weight Loss Past

My mom and I recently have been working on our friendship. I've really enjoyed the time with her and am having a lot of fun. My mom is an amazing person! I was venting about some things to her and she gave me some advice. One of the things she told me was I should go back and read my blog from last year. I read a post here and there, but I haven't read it all the way through. Just to give you an idea of what kind of challenge this was - in January I was looking at cost to get my blog for 2010 printed in a blog. Want to know how many pages that book will be (when I can finally afford it)? Over 400 pages! Of course that's including all the comments and pictures too. But still, that's a big book.

I started reading about a week and 1/2 ago at the very first post. And today I finished my last post. I learned somethings along the way:

1. I have AMAZING BEAUTIFUL WONDERFUL LOVING THOUGHTFUL friends! Seriously, there were several times I was brought to tears by the support and love that was shared with me. The honesty, the accountability, the... sheer love. I don't know that I'll EVER be able to say THANK YOU enough! Wow, I'm just so touched! You changed me. Every one of you, you have had an impact on my life and I thank God for you. For those I know in real life who stuck with me, and those I've met through other blogs. I love you!

2. I change my mind... a LOT! Not really a good or bad thing I guess. Just something I noticed, as my "plan" changed about every other post. :D Guess that means I'm flexible?

3. I was strong, except for when I was weak. And I think a lot of times, I've let that weakness have too much power and control. And too often I allow it be an excuse to do less then my best.

4. I was strong, and I did hard things! I beat a lot of fears last year and it was really awesome to be reminded of that. Of how extraordinary it felt!

5. I love to run! It felt so good to use my legs and muscles, to spend quiet time with my thoughts, to be out doors, to sweat, and to breath.

6. I enjoyed WW, and I enjoyed Intuitive Eating. Both were difficult, and I learned a lot from both. Reading over my posts and really thinking about it, I don't regret my change to IE. I still believe the Spirit led me there, and that it was what was next. And I do not blame it for my falling off the wagon.

7. I talk a lot.

8. I was so sensitive to what others thought about me, I talked about it a lot! I started to stand up for myself more toward the end and that was good to see.

9. It was a great year!

While I sometimes felt some twinges of sadness reading last year's posts and how great things were going, and seeing my before and after pictures, more often then not, I just felt proud. I was proud of my courage, my faith gained, my honesty, and my heart.

Weight Loss Present

I began this journey at the beginning of 2010 weighing 260.8. Today I weigh 248. Even just a few weeks ago, seeing that in writing would have been heart breaking to me. But truthfully, reading my posts has given me a lot of retrospect, comfort, joy, and excitement. I am going to spend all my moments in the now to continue healing from the inside out. Giving to the Lord, my family, and others.

Weight Loss Future

I don't know what my future holds as far as weight loss goes, to be honest. As I've posted, I have no plan. And the more I read from last year, the more I feel like I don't want a plan. I have always been a person to set specific goals. Numbers, and dates, and plans, with charts, and measurements, and deadlines and rewards. But really, if I look back at those goals, not very many of them have ever really happened. Some have, but a very small majority. One thing that was so successful was my non-plan "plan" for exercise. It just worked for me, I felt free. I've already mentioned that I'm not following any real plan for exercise and diet right now. That's not changing. At all. I'm going to stick with the non-plan plan! In fact, I'm going to take it a step further. At the beginning of this year I set, again, very specific goals. Say bye bye! I really don't want to make a bunch of changes this year to this plan and that plan. But I am not going to focus on specific goals this year. I'm just going to live and focus on some general ideas and purposes. I'm just going to give. You want to see what I mean, read the page at the top of my blog called I Will...

I bought some new running shoes on Saturday. One thing we learned last year - if you are going to run - be good to your feet and wear the proper footwear! I am excited to put them to the pavement again!

Own It

2011-03-15T18:11:00.001-06:00

"Heavy is the head that wears the crown,

don't let the greatness get you down"

~ Katy Perry

We got together with some our friends last week to celebrate some birthdays. It was fun as I haven't seen these friends in a while. My best friend's husband and I like to... tease each other a lot. And argue a lot. He likes to get a rise out of me, and I enjoy correcting him. At one point in the evening I called him a not very nice name. Which I honestly have done many times (and probably will say again). And when I said it he said "Yeah and? I own it!".

And even though he can drive me crazy sometimes, when he said that, it really did make me stop and think. Here I was calling him a name that to me, wasn't a pleasant name, but he was acting like I had complimented him. Now, of course, he was just playing the part. But at the same time, I know him to be a very confident person in who he is. He has some qualities that some people may look down on, and that I myself tease him about. But the truth is, he is one of the most confident people I know. He truly does "own" who he is, what he does, and what he says. I really respect that, and admire his courage.

The other day I sat down for some self reflection. We had a lesson in Young Womens on preparing ourselves for the life after this one. And how we won't be able to take any of our possessions with us, and what we will be able to take with us. I decided to take inventory on myself, if I were to die right now, what would I be taking with me. I made a list of my strengths and weaknesses. And it was really hard to list strengths. Things that I would have put down before, I felt like a hypocrite for writing them down. And I could think of all these examples of why that wasn't really a strength. And of course, my weakness list was a mile long.

After this experience with... we'll call him Bob (haha - this is a nick name he gave my husband that I don't care for too much), it made me think about "owning" myself. Owning my strengths, owning my weaknesses, owning me. I don't really own much of them to be honest. I wear my weaknesses like a badge of shame, but I don't accept them. I don't claim them as me, as a part of what makes me, me. I detest them, and ignore them, or dwell on them incessantly. And my strengths? I hide from those too, or I rationalize them away. I think of all the reasons they really aren't strengths, and why I don't deserve to claim them or own them.

So what if? What if we claimed our strengths and celebrated them. And what if we owned our weaknesses and just accepted them as a part of who we are. And what if we didn't judge ourselves for them but just saw them. What we are? Not that they have to be permanent, and that they can't be changed. But as Dr. Phil says, you can't change what you don't acknowledge. And I think I want to add to that, what you don't accept. I'm not talking about acceptance as in "I'm fat. Guess I'll always be fat". I'm just talking about loving one's self for who we are at the present moment, not feeling broken. I am not broken. You are not broken.

What am I owning today? I'm owning that I can be a very selfish person. I more often then not, put my own wants before others. I am also very manipulative and know how to push buttons to get what I want. I won't lie, it's painful to say that. Mostly because I know it's really true, and I'm owning it. But I'm not going to judge it. I'm not going to rationalize it or bemoan it. It is what it is... for now.

I am also trying to own my body. To accept it as is, and to believe and know that it is beautiful. This is VERY challenging for me. And not just my face and hair, but everything. My pudgy stomach, my large thighs, my voluptuous (great word, eh?) butt, and my cankles. I recognize that most of those words are not very kind, but that's how I feel. That's how I feel! And I am owning it for this moment. I'm allowing myself to feel it, with out anger, or pain, or pity, or censorship.

I'm going to own the good and the bad. Not to change me or to fix me. But just to be me. I challenge you to do the same!

I Am A Fighter!

2011-03-10T22:47:00.000-07:00

I know that there is a lot of controversy over the Biggest Loser. Personally I don't think it's realistic AT ALL. And the weight loss portion - I like to see the before and after, but watching them lose that fast really doesn't do it for me. But the parts I do like, and that I do learn from, are the parts where they process their feelings. Sometimes it feels a little forced, or staged. But you can also tell when they are having a real moment, when it wasn't planned, and when the emotions are real.

This last episode had a moment like that, and I found it very... thought provoking. This player Justin (one of the big guys) was working with Cara, one of the new trainers. And she told him she was going to push him down 100 times and she wanted to see if he would keep getting up. So they start and she keeps pushing him down, which was pretty impressive considering how tiny she is. And he was all laughing and making a game of it and how easy it was and that he could do it all day. At that point I was thinking the moral of the story is, when you get pushed down, get back up. Don't stay down!

This lead me to some thinking on times in my life when I've been pushed down, and I haven't gotten back up. Or when it took me a while to get back up. Or when I jumped right up. Just thinking about my life in general. Honestly, this winter, I wasn't sure I'd be able to get back up. My momentum is building, but there are still moments where I think... I can't do it. I'm tired. I don't want to fight any more. I don't want to care anymore, because it hurts to care and fail. Or that it's so easy to be numb and thoughtless/careless. I dwelled a lot on that kind of thinking, and that lead to even more thoughts like that. This stuff feeds on itself and breeds like bunnies! It's been one of the toughest times I've ever had to pull myself out. I'm not out of the woods yet, but... getting there.

So then Cara starts yelling things at him. Like she doesn't believe in him. She doesn't think he can win. She doesn't think he can make it at home. That he will gain all his weight back at home. That he will fail.

And that got me thinking about how we are constantly bombarded with these thoughts. Media, TV, Movies, friends that mean well, sometimes family, and probably most of all - ourselves. I think the person I am the most hard on, the most demanding of, the slowest to forgive, and the fastest to criticize - is myself. Why is that? Why do we always jump right to beating ourselves up. I think it's because Satan knows that is the best and fastest way to keep us down. Because our beliefs become our thoughts, our thoughts become our actions, our actions become who we are. So if he can head us off at the start, it's that much easier to keep us down.

All of the sudden, Justin is fighting back. It's like he finally realizes, yeah, I gotta get back up when I get pushed down - but even more then that, I don't have to let someone push me down. Or something, I don't have to go down unless I allow it. And all of the sudden he is standing strong and she can't budge him. And he is yelling in her face over and over "I Am A Fighter!!!!!".

I'm such a people pleaser. I do so many things because I want to please someone. Or the other way around, I hide from people. Last weekend there was an event I should have gone to, but I was ashamed of having gained all my weight. So I let another event be an excuse of why I couldn't go and support a friend. And then spent most the day beating myself up over the fact that 1. I gained the weight back, 2. that I was shallow enough to allow that to stop me from going, and 3. feeling guilty that I let my friend down.

All this time I've been thinking that last year was such a failure, and that I was a failure because of it. But I'm slowly coming to think of it more like layers. Last year was just the first layer. I did a lot of needed work, but it was just the surface of what really needs to be done. And that's okay. THAT"S OKAY SAM! I just need to keep thinking that over and over. That's okay!

I think the biggest thing I took away from this moment on the show, was that I let way too many things effect me. I let myself get pushed down way too often, and most the time, it's me pushing me down. I need to start standing up to these thoughts again. I know that was a big part of last years battle. And it's not over, the battle continues as I work on eradicating those thoughts. I am a fighter, and I will keep fighting until it's won!

I made some awful eating choices today. And on my way home, I had some plans of what I would do. But I got home and I just wanted to sleep. I am so tired all of the time! I think there is something really wrong with my hormones. I'm sure that is pretty obvious and I'm the last to see it. I'm going to go see my doctor and figure out what is going on.

Also, I was reading my scriptures today and came across a scripture that said to "strip yourselves of uncleanliness". I got thinking about that word, uncleanliness, and how it would apply in my life. I've already spoke a lot about the inner vessel and my spirit. But I realized that it also means two other things that cannot be negelected. One is my environment. I am not a great house keeper. And I think that this can bring me (and I think Mike) down. It's hard to feel good, and feel the Spirit when your living in a mess all the time.

The other is my eating. I was not thinking about dieting particularly, but what the food I'm eating is doing to my insides. Is it clean food that will help my body run well? That will keep my insides healthy and pink? That will give me energy and help me not be tired? The answer is a big fat no. I still do not plan on imposing dieting rules on myself, because I'm just not up for it. But I do want to strive more often to eat for energy, not just for convience or taste. I'm so tired of being tired. I want to do things, but it's like I have no energy to do them. I can have some impact on that with my choices. I am a fighter. And I can make better choices.

At the end of the day, I do think this life, my life, is worth fighting for. My relationship with God, Mike, the rest of our families are worth fighting for.

I am worth fighting for. I AM worth fighting for. I AM WORTH FIGHTING FOR!!!!!!!!

You don't always get what you expect...

2011-03-08T21:53:00.000-07:00

So, I'm thinking I'm going through a mid life crisis 10 years to early. :) I fell in love with that song, Firework by Katy Perry (The one I posted in my last post). In the real video she has this gorgeous long dark hair with purple streaks. I thought, I could do that. I would like to do that. I want to do that. I think I'm going to do that. And before I know it, I'm at the store picking out hair dye. I would have gone to my hair stylist, I wanted to really, but that is to expensive for us right now, so I had to settle for doing it myself. I thought if I could get it the right color on my own, then maybe I can go to her to help me add some small peek-a-boo purple highlights. My biggest concern was being a good example for the young women, so I haven't decided if I'll really go through with that part. So last night Mike and I picked out some dye. He found one that was a soft black with red highlights. I thought that would be perfect. My hair is light enough, I didn't really expect it to go black, just a darker brown with auburn highlights. Well, if you've ever dyed your own hair, you know, you don't always get what you expect!!

What do you think???! My eyebrows need some help and to be darker for sure, I'll work on that!

Anyway, it's been fun. Today I was journaling on why I felt the need to make such a drastic change (I've started an actual journal). I think it's because I know that there is a lot of change that needs to happen. Here is the thing, I KNOW that if I dieted, or even just watched my food intake with intent and exercised for a long enough time period, I would lose weight. But I also know with out a shadow of a doubt it would just come back. I'm starting to see that second fact is not because I'm a failure. It's because there is more going on here. There are deeper issues that need to be worked through so that when I do get to the point that I'm ready to start working on my body's health, it will finally be able to stick. And I KNOW that these kinds of changes don't happen overnight. As much as we want them to. I want to wake up tomorrow healed. I want the traumas of my childhood to be gone. I want my relationship issues to be history. I want my weaknesses to all magically be strengths that help me help others. But it's not going to work like that. And if I act like it is, then I'm not really doing the work to cleanse my inner vessel and I'll end up right back here again another day. And I DO NOT WANT THAT. I never want to be here again. So instead of rushing my way through it, I changed something I could change right away. That I could have some control over (although apparently not a lot of control! :D ). And funny enough, this silly change brought on some helpful thoughts for me in my quest to cleanse. Who would have thought a $8 box of smelly stuff could do that much?!

Have you ever made a drastic hair change?

Healing from the inside out

2011-02-27T22:14:00.001-07:00

A lot has gone on since my last post. I want to thank all of you who left kind and concerned comments. For the hugs and love from friends and family. I appreciate knowing I'm not alone!

I heard this song on the radio the other day. I know it's been out a while, but I just discovered it. And it brings me hope and puts me in a good mood. Last week I listened to it pretty much non-stop! Literally all day at work, over and over. I saturated my mind with the words.

So two weeks ago, I got strep. I think the depression and my poor eating choices has just run down my immune system. It was not good timing (is it ever?). Let's just say, it was another really crappy week. So between the vertigo last month and this (Mike had strep too) we haven't had any time to really give Weight Watchers a chance. We decided there was no use paying for something we aren't doing, so we canceled our subscriptions.

I've spent the last two weeks trying to figure out what I am going to do. How I am going to make things right in my life. Mentally, spiritually, and physically. How am I going to start living again? I want to finally. I feel the hope of spring, the sun on my face, and I'm ready for change. But sometimes taking those first steps is so hard. Because I know it means coming out of the little cocoon I've built around me. It means letting people in, trusting myself and others, and taking risks.It means taking responsibility for my actions and having accountability. I'm scared, but I'm ready.

I work with the youth in my church. I am the 2nd counselor in our Young Women's presidency. Last week the president was talking to us about being examples to the girls. Not having to be perfect, but showing that we are making honest efforts to live as our Father in heaven would want us to. I haven't been, not that I'm out there sinning oh so big, but I am not living a righteous life. Really, I'm not living much of a life at all. At first, it was a bit of a slap in the face (not that she meant it that way). The truth always is though, right? The truth is I have not been an example for those girls as of late. Not one that I would want my own daughter to follow.

After the initial wave of shame was over, I started thinking about what I could do. Where I could start. I decided to start by reading the Book of Mormon (I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and this is a book we believe to be additional scripture with the Bible). As a group we are reading it in 100 days, which ends up being 5 pages a day. But I haven't been reading. So I started. I'm reading more like 17 pages a day so that I can not only catch up, but by the end I'll have read it almost twice. I felt like the thing to do is immerse myself in scripture. Get some answers - which I already have!

One of the things I've really been wondering about is whether I should continue on this whole weight loss journey. Once we are healthy (meaning the strep FINALLY goes away!), do we rejoin WW, or do some other food plan. Do I keep on this rat race. Do I try Intuitive Eating again? Do I just eat what ever and not care? What about being able to have children? If I don't lose weight, how will I get there? And then there is the whole mental side of things. Why does this happen, just about every year? Why do I keep giving up on myself? Why do I stop living for periods of time? Why do I keep losing 20-40lbs, only to gain it back every time! Why do I give up on others? How do I fix relationships that are broken, but critical to me? How do I clear the cobwebs? You get the idea. Lots of questions and not really sure where I should start.

Well in my reading this week, I came across my answer. I found it in Alma 60:23. This chapter is actually about a war that was going on, so it's context was not really spiritual but temporal. But for me, it had both meanings. The last part of the verse states "I would that ye should remember that God has said that the inward vessel shall be cleansed first, and then shall the outer vessel be cleansed also."

I took this to mean (and feel that the spirit confirmed this to be the case) that I need to focus inward first. And that as I cleanse my soul, heart, and mind, my body will become clean as a by-product. I think that if I can get my head on straight, I will instinctively choose to eat to live. It won't be a struggle to not be destructive with food anymore, because I'll no longer need it to survive. I will have actual (instead of what it's always been, just a hope or desire to have it) respect and love for myself and will make better choices. By doing so, my body will be cleansed of the toxins and be strengthened by the real nourishment it is receiving. Losing weight will just be a side affect. But I'm thinking at that point, it won't even be the big "everything" that it has always been. Because I'll be whole with or without it.

My other answer kind of went along with that one. My other big question was about getting out from under this depression. How to make it just go away. I found that answer in Helaman 5:40-41, "And it came to pass that the Lamanites said unto him: What shall we do, that this cloud of darkness may be removed from overshadowing us? And Aminadab said unto them: You must repent, and cry unto the voice, even until ye shall have faith in Christ, who was taught unto you by Alma, and Amulek, and Zeezrom; and when ye shall do this, the cloud of darkness shall be removed from overshadowing you."

Along with this whole cleansing thing, at the top of that list will be coming to know Christ in a much more personal and private way. In strengthening my faith and knowledge of him, how he lived his life, and how I can be more like him. The spirit reminded me this week in a quiet moment that Christ died for me too. And not just for my sins, but for all my hurts. That he knows the pain I am in, and he wants to remove it from me. I just need to trust Him. I just need to give up wanting the control so bad and have some faith.

Appropriately enough, my lesson today in Young Womens was on the Purpose of Life. It was an awesome lesson, the spirit was really strong, and I received even more answers (and I hope the girls did too!). I know what I need to do. I know that it's going to be hard, and probably very painful at times. It's going to take a lot of work and time, and patience. But I really believe it will be so worth it in the end. It's time to really give my life over the Lord. I've made a mess of it, and it's time to straighten things out.

I have two rules for now in regards to the eating. One, no binging. Two, I can only eat out once a week with Mike. This is what our budget allows for and I need to stick to it. That's it. I'm not going to pin myself down for anything other than that for now. I don't expect that there will be any more "rules". I just expect that by focusing my real attention on my insides, my outside behaviors will become exactly what they need to be for me to have a happy and healthy body. I still plan to move my body. But even there - no rules. I'm just going to move to live!

How am I going to cleanse my inward vessel? Well, I'm going to start with the basics. Which for me include prayer. Daily scripture study. Service opportunities. And Personal Progress.

Personal Progress is a program designed to help our 12-18 year old girls learn about themselves, God, and the Gospel of Christ. There are 8 values that they learn about. Faith, Divine Nature, Individual Worth, Knowledge, Choice & Accountability, Good Works, Integrity, and Virtue. Going through the program includes learning about these qualities and taking part in different experiences to really learn how they apply to our lives. As leaders, and really - any woman is welcome to participate, we can do it with the girls. I think that this program is exactly what I need right now. It will be the perfect guide for me. I am already working on my Virtue project, I have a faith project I am starting tomorrow having to do with prayer. And my next will be to start on Divine Nature. For this one, I will be focusing a lot on my role as a wife and a woman, which I really feel is a divine roll.

I will continue to blog, because I think that it's a healing act in and of it's self. I still plan to blog about my weight loss and my life. The truth is there is a lot that must be processed about my weight before I will be able to finally let it go. But I will probably be blogging a lot about my inner battles as well. Because I am a religious and spiritual person, I expect my future posts to be much more intertwined with these beliefs. While my first instinct is to apologize for this because I'm a people pleaser, I'm not going to. I am not ashamed of my religion, and I'm not ashamed of my God. I would be nothing without either of them, and I will not excuse them so that I don't offend. Of course, I do NOT want to offend anyone, and I don't want to preach. But I will also not refrain from talking about and sharing what I need to, to heal. I hope you can understand that and that you'll stay with me in this new part of my journey.

I haven't lost a lb, but I already feel so much lighter! I feel the love of my Father in heaven, and I'm excited about what tomorrow will bring. I'm excited to heal my relationships with my loved ones that my selfishness has damaged or severed. I'm looking forward to feeling the sun on my face, and to taking this step forward.

Nameless

2011-02-12T00:03:00.000-07:00

I read a comment on someone's blog a couple of days ago that said they hated it when people went missing from their blogs. They it made them wonder just what it was that person was up to? What are they hiding? What are they ashamed of? Well... let me tell you where I've been.

My last post was very motivating, I was motivated. But before I could climb, there was an avalanche...

I've been on my couch. Why you ask? Was I sick? No. And yes. Am I okay? Yes. And no. I've been watching Grey's Anatamony. For two weeks, on Hulu. I've been eating... a lot. I've been binging... a lot. I've been beating myself up inside, and hiding on the outside. I've been avoiding people - and only going to work because if I didn't, I'd lose my job. So I go to work, and pretend it's okay - that I'm okay. When really? All I want to do is something other then be inside my brain.

This isn't the first time I've felt this way. My depression started in high school. Junior year to be exact. My friends were depressed, and I wanted to fit in. So I decided to be depressed. They pulled out of it (most of them) and I never really did. I went through some.... well we'll just say "attention getting" times. I did some things I'm not proud of. I learned to deal. Eventually, after high school, I took a communication course that helped a LOT. I learned that my depression is my choice. I know that's not the case for everyone, but for me, it is.

So about every 3-6 months I usually go through a little bad patch. Sometimes, it's not so bad. And it's over quick. And I'm able to move forward. Every now and then, it gets bad, it feels like my feet are in cement. And even though I can see that the sun is shining on the other side of the blinds, I just can't go there. Unless you've been there, unless you've been in this awful dark hole, it's hard to know.

You don't know it, but I've actually written a blog post every day. In my head, I've been posting every day. I've tried to be really upbeat and motivating - while still being honest here. The posts in my head - not so nice. Not so upbeat. Some really quite ugly - you'd probably be shocked, and probably a little disappointed. I know I was. It was just too heavy though and I couldn't post.

Last Sunday I was suppose to teach a lesson on how to prepare to be a wife. Haha! That was so ironic to me! Here I am, can't drag my butt off the couch to do anything - and I'm suppose to teach them how to prepare for something I can't seem to do. This week anyway. I broke down on Saturday. I broke down hard. I cried so hard, it ended with me hyperventilating and practically having a panic/anxiety attack. It was scary. I think I really freaked Mike out.

I've said this before, but it was a long time ago. One of my teachers in Massage school taught us that when a person is not living their belief system, they can't be happy. I think that's the problem here. I'm not talking about my religous beliefe's, although I could definitley have some improvement with some things there too! No I'm talking about the mental, physical, and personal beliefs.

The truth, I've gained just about all the weight back that I lost last year. I am wearing the clothes I started out in, because nothing else fits. I see families every where I go, and all I can think - I wasn't enough. I'm not enough. I truly did believe it. I believed that I would lose the weight. That it was gone for good. That I would finally be free. That I would finally be ready to take that next step with Mike. And now? I find myself physically right back where I started. Mentally, right back where I started! Maybe worse, because not only am I trying to battle the normal thoughts of someone who has been fighting weight forever, but I believed and I failed - again. I threw down the gauntlet, and I failed. Our finances are... depressing. And beyond a few reasonable purchases (like putting Mike in school again - that is worth EVERY penny!), I recognize that also comes down to my choices. Our choices. And I guess worst of all - I recognize that all these "problems" are really SO superficial and I need a slap in the face. Because I know there are people out there who have it much worse then I do. I am so so so so blessed. And I'm the jerk that can't even get out of her own junk and way to see it. Which just starts the whole ball rolling again.

Yesterday (Thursday) I went to lunch, and as I was sitting in my car eating, I suddenly got the desire to clean my car. To be rid of the garbage surrounding me. I went to the car wash and cleaned my car out. It felt really good. For just a moment, I felt some hope. Last night I cleaned for one hour. It was one hour - I know that's not much - but it was one hour more then the day before! I know there is light at the end of this tunnel! I don't know what it holds for me. I don't know if I'll ever get to be that girl. You know the one - who gets to become the picture in my head. Maybe that's the point. It's time to accept what is and learn to just love it.

I'm not really putting this out there because I'm looking for sympathy or pitty (trust, me I know that what I need is a good swift kick in the butt). I'm the one that put me here. And I'm the one that will get myself out.I guess I just finally decided it was time for me to stop hiding. I think you deserve the truth, and that it really is probably one of the steps to my feeling better - no more hiding.Thanks for listening.

It's time to show up!

2011-01-26T20:51:00.000-07:00

"Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness & growth occurs while your climbing it."

~Author Unknown

Picture Source

Well, I'm finally starting to feel better. For the most part the spinning has stopped and I was finally able to go back to work. Two weeks on the couch -I watched all 7 seasons of Buffy! Gotta love a Buffy Marathon, but I was ready to get out of the house! There are moments where my head still has a LOT of pressure in it (like 80% of the time). It doesn't really hurt, but it's very uncomfortable. It kind of pulses, and gives me this floating feeling - like my head is going to float right off my body (no, I haven't been doing drugs! ;D). I don't know how to explain it. I tell you though, it makes it really hard to concentrate!

I had a lot of down time over the last two weeks. And I did not handle the food thing well - but I'm not going to dwell. I'm moving on. I also did quite a bit of thinking - I know, shocker right! It's no secret that I've been fighting some depression. Part of it's just winter blues. Part of it was being sick for so long. Part of it is dealing with my "failures" and seeing myself slid backwards at the end of last year.

I found the quote at the top of this post sometime last year. I didn't really know how pertinent it really would be. I did a lot of hiking last summer, and I definitely learned that so much of the beauty really is in the journey. Somewhere along the way, I seemed to forget that. And it's funny how when you stop for just a moment, really a MOMENT, it can all slip away.

I find myself at the bottom of the "weight loss" mountain again, looking up and asking myself "Really? You're really going to try and climb again?" And I'm delighted to say yes, yes I am. And you know what? It's not the same mountain. I'm not the same hiker.

Last year, I lost weight. But I lost a lot more then that. I let go of a lot of emotional baggage. And I feel it trying to creep back in. To creep in through the holes of frustration and depression to wrap it's cold fingers around my heart again. The negative thinking, the cruel words that are sharp as knives. But I'm putting my foot down. If I must, I'll gain physical weight again. Whatever. But I will NOT allow the emotional baggage that I had tossed out, to come back. I will however, protect myself, love myself, and continue to rid myself of these kinds of toxins.

The picture I posted above shows some of our beautiful mountains! I love this valley and those are my mountains. But notice the ridges. When you climb up and down one of them, what is next but to go up the next one! There will ALWAYS be another mountain to climb. It is a natural part of life that I again stand at the bottom of this hill and prepare to climb. And it may be that the only thing I continue to lose is the emotional crap. Come what may.

One last thing, I'm tired of being average. I'm tired of quitting. I'm tired of being a flake. I'm tired of letting myself down, and letting others down. It's time to show up. Show up for me, show up for my responsibilities, and for others that need me.

It's time to show up!

I'm going up that hill. If you've been struggling and sliding backwards - come take my hand and let's move forward together!

Dizzy!

2011-01-14T19:15:00.000-07:00

Wednesday morning I woke up around 5am and went to the bathroom. When I laid back down I turned my head toward Mike and my world literally turned upside down. My life was spinning and spinning! And kept on spinning! It was so bad that I had to lay very still and not move. I finally was able to fall back asleep. When I woke up again, I tried to walk to the bathroom again, and almost fell over. Luckily Mike had the day off and was there. He caught me and helped me to make it safely to the bathroom. It was one of the worst days of my life! I couldn't walk anywhere by myself. I threw up several times (sorry for the yucky details) from the dizziness! I knew I needed to go the doctor, but there was no way I would be able to walk or ride in a car. Unless I was just laying on my back looking straight up, it felt like I had just gotten off the tilt-o-whirl. I hate that ride! Finally, during the night I was able to turn on my side without feeling like I was going to toss my cookies (except that I hadn't eaten any cookies. I barley ate anything!!!). Thursday I was still way dizzy, but I could at least walk by myself, with the help of a sturdy wall. Mike took me to the doctor. I felt like a 5 year old walking in there with my bowl, but I didn't want to throw up on their floor! :) Luckily I didn't throw up. Turns out I have fluid behind my inner ear that is causing vertigo. I got a shot in the butt, and some other drugs. I came home and slept for like 4 hours, and when I woke up, the world was only slightly spinning. In case you've ever wondered, vertigo is the worst thing ever!!!!! I hate spinny rides, and this is awful. I was planning to start the Couch to 5k this week, but... yeah, now I get to just practice keeping the couch company. At least I'm able to sit up now. This week didn't quite work out the way I'd planned. I had thought to have a cleaning night tonight - blare some music and clean the house top to bottom. That way we could just enjoy our weekend holiday. Instead? I guess now I get a date with Buffy, my couch, and the cutest puppy ever curled up beside me. I guess that's okay too. :) Just thought I'd let you know what's going on with me and say, I hope you have a better weekend then I'm going to! :) Don't worry, it will go away soon (I pray) and I'll be back on my feet in no time!

They had a baby!

2011-01-08T09:17:00.000-07:00

Let me start out by thanking those who left such sweet and understanding comments on my last post. It was something that I had really been dreading - thanks for being so thoughtful!

I gave it quite a bit of thought and decided that I could in fact do both. I just need more structure right now, which I will get from WW, but I can also continue practicing and perfecting the skills I learned from Intuitive Eating. The best part about this news? Mike and I signed up for Weight Watchers last night. I'm ecstatic that we are going to do this together. I think learning these fundamental skills together will be great for our marriage, and we will be able to support each other more fully.

So did you know, that Weight Watchers and Intuitive Eating got together and had a baby? Yeah, they did. It's called PointsPlus! After we signed up, we sat down to wait for the "newbie" meeting to start. I was looking around going.... "Really? I'm going to do this... again?". I looked over on the wall and noticed they had some new posters touting the new program. And this is what it said:

1. Ask for help

2. Learn from experience

3. Manage your environment

4. Manage your feelings

5. Manage your thoughts

6. Monitor yourself

7. Prepare yourself

8. Take care of yourself

Sound familiar? It did to me. And it was comforting to me. Right there in front of me I saw that I could in fact merge these two ways of living comfortably. The other thing that was interesting is over and over the leader kept saying... this is not a diet. She said these are tools to help you learn to listen to your body and to treat it with respect. I have never really looked at WW like that to be honest. But... I can see her point. And it thrills me to know I don't have to pick! I can have the best of both worlds!

The thing I really struggle with is portion sizes. Even when listening to my body - my eyes never listen and I always end up with more food on my plate then I probably need. Then... I panic when there is food on the plate at the end. I know that may be silly - and truthfully I don't know where the panic comes from. My mom was not one of those "Finish your food or else" kind of moms. So knowing this is a struggle - WW comes in. Because to count your points, you do need to measure your food. Which I know goes against the idea of Intuitive Eating. But... when I measure my food I do better at actually listening to my body! I think this will work for me.

Anyway, just wanted to put it out there - I joined Weight Watchers again. Mike joined Weight Watchers! I'm excited to get started! Today is a clean the house day. Take down the Christmas and prepare for a great week next week!

Hope you have a wonderful weekend!

Conflicted

2011-01-06T21:09:00.000-07:00

I have started this post four times now. Here goes number five...

I am conflicted about whether to continue Intuitive Eating or go back to Weight Watchers, or trying in some way to do both. That is my conflict.

The other conflict was about telling my readers that I was in conflict about this. :0 I have been so worried about what my readers will think. I've been feeling shameful and two faced. Not that either one of them are bad or wrong, It's just I've made such a big deal about not dieting.

After writing practically two pages of posts trying to make light of this, or trying to justify myself, or trying to explain to you and help you understand I finally came to the realization - it's not about my readers! This is a very personal decision. And if some of my readers want to judge me for that... well then so be it.

My good friend Anne from Smaller Fun Pants has been talking a lot about part of this journey being that she is learning to stand up for herself. I think I am learning that too. Sometimes, it's about standing up to yourself and encouraging yourself to make better choices. And sometimes about standing up for yourself (in a loving way), it's about self respect. I need to do more of both! In continuing my blog, I need to be less fearful about what others will think - and just put myself and honest thoughts on the line.

Last fall, I stood up for myself and I took a chance. I quit dieting and I tried Intuitive Eating. I feel like I learned so much in the first three months. But somewhere a long the way I stopped the number one thing you must do in Intuitive Eating - I stopped being aware. It's important to me that you recognize this not as a fault with the idea or program, but really, it was my choice to do that. I have met some amazing people who have lost and maintained their loss with this life style. I know in my heart that this is the ultimate plan for me.

I just seem to be struggling a bit with the trusting myself. Trusting my body. I kind of need a push. Weight Watchers is such a great plan, because although yes - it's counting points - it's still a lot about listening to my body and learning to trust - just surrounded with a little more structure. Maybe it's about learning to crawl before you walk? I don't know... maybe I'm justifying myself and my fears.

Mike said he might be willing to go with me to Weight Watchers, and that is a really big draw! I've been wanting us to really dig down and do this together. He will usually follow along with whatever I am doing, but if he came, I just think we could do it so much better then we ever have before.

Well... as you can see I'm not very close to an answer. But... I will make my decision this weekend and move forward. I've let this week slide, because I really have been quite conflicted about the whole thing. But it's time to decide. Whatever I do, I'm ready to move forward!

You Knew... Didn't You?

2010-12-31T14:12:00.000-07:00

You knew that I couldn't do it - that I can't give up blogging. I have another blog that I am going to use as the journal I mentioned. That way I can continue blogging here publicly. I don't know what it will look like. It will still be about weight at times, but I'm hoping it will be about more than that too. More of a life blog then a weight-loss blog. So, stay tuned. :D

2010 was such a beautiful year! I grew, I learned, I fell down - a lot, but I got back up a lot too! I played, I hiked, I rode my bike, I camped, I ran, I came closer to the Lord, and I did things I never thought I would be able to do (like a 11.4 mile hike)! I proved to myself that I can do hard things. That I am a person of worth, and I deserve goodness in my life!

Among some the new things I tried was Intuitive Eating. This was a wonderful experience for me. It was liberating to eat with no restrictions. To love myself appropriately with food. I know that sounds wierd, especially from someone who "should" be learning to love herself without food. But hear me out.

I have been reading this book called Secrets. It is about a community that is slowing finding out that they are riddled with abuse. Sexual, verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. As I've been reading it, I've thought about my own life. I have been so blessed, and so sheltered! However, as I thought about it, I realized I have been receiving verbal and emotional abuse for many years. I'd say it probably started when I was in 5th or 6th grade. I don't think this person ever meant to intentionally hurt me. I think they were probably reacting to situations and circumstances that they themselves didn't understand, and took it out on me. They were scared, fearful, had little understanding of their own divine nature, and were prone to insecurities. I was an easy target - I was there. I was young, susceptible, and very trusting. As I grew older, I should have seen, should have realized what was going on and done something about it - but I didn't. It's like the frog. I was slowly boiled. The person I am talking about, the person who has belittled me publicly and privately, who has used mean - cruel - hurtful names, who has un-righteously judged and criticized my every move... was me.

The truth is I have been abusing myself for many years emotionally, verbally, and yes physically. When I have shoved more food in my mouth than was ever meant to be eaten - to punish myself for this or that. That is abuse. Or when I've checked out mentally and then physically abused my body by eating ungodly amounts of food. I've forced myself to wear clothing that were to tight sometimes - because I deserved it. I deserved to have people stare. I deserved to be uncomfortable. After all, I put myself there, right? I'd made those decisions and I deserved the consequences. Right? Wrong!

I have learned this year, that even though I have made mistakes, and I do have to live up to the consequences of my decisions, I do not deserve to be hurt. I do not deserve this abuse. And I don't have to take it any more. That is what Intuitive Eating was for me - freedom. Freedom to eat what I wanted, when I wanted - and NOT to have to beat myself up about it afterward! I've learned that it's okay to love myself. It's okay to have weaknesses and not to hate them. It's okay to eat. So I learned that I can eat and love myself. That is what Intuitive Eating has taught me.

In my last post, I vehemently discarded dieting - I was done. I think that was another step I needed to take in shedding this painful abuse. Diets have always told me who I am, what to do, and how to do it. Another form of abuse is some ways. I needed to shed that and be allowed to do it my way. To think my way and do what I wanted - without the guilt. I'm still learning to let go of that guilt, but I am well on my way!

As Mike and I have discussed our plans for 2011 and what we want to accomplish, I knew that I would continue my goal to lose weight. But it's so different then it was last December. Last December I was desperate. I was lost. I felt alone, hungry, and defeated. This year? I feel enlightened. I feel free. I feel safe and loved! I feel a sense of who I am and where I am going and that it is, in fact, me that is directing this path with the Lord on one side and Mike on the other.

As I consider what it is I want in my life, I realize I already have so much! There really is only one thing missing that tugs at my heart every day. Children. This has been really hard for me lately. I've been really weepy about it and having some pity parties to be honest. It's been making my daily tasks so hard, and has been draining my energy. But as I write this, and as I admit the abuse that's been going on, and as I see things for what they really are, I see that there is purpose in all of this. There is purpose in me not having had children yet. There is purpose in the years of pain that I have experienced, and there is purpose in my journey to be rid of all the abuse, hurt, fear, loneliness, hate, etc. I know the Lord sees me, and is preparing me for whatever it is that he has in store for me. And I need to do my part.

That includes losing weight. For whatever reason, my woman parts just don't seem to work when I am over weight. So I do need to lose weight. But... like I said before - that "need" is coming from such a different place this year. But this year will not be just about weight loss. There are other things - big things - that Mike and I will be focusing on together. I'm actually really excited, it's going to be a HARD but awesome and empowering year!

Some of the things we will be working on will be paying off a rather large credit card, getting Mike back into school full time, going on a real vacation (and paying for it all with cash), LOTs of yard work, I'm working on my Personal Progress as a leader, Mike is planning to participate in several sprint triathlons - and maybe an olympic or two. I am going to train for a 1/2 marathon - and possibly a sprint or mini sprint triathlon, and we both would like to lose some weight. I am thinking 50lbs for myself. That is losing less then 5lbs a month. Very realistic, and very maintainable.

I haven't set them all down on paper yet, or the plan, but I will share once I do. The other big goal I have for this year - and it will be REALLY challenging for me, but I think it's important. That is to not change my goals once they are set. This year was about change. It really was, so I do not feel bad that my goals and mind changed as often as they did. But these goals for 2011 are very specific, and I'll probably want to change them, because they will be hard. But... I am not going to. Hold me to that, okay?! :)

I'm excited to stay. I'm excited to move forward in our lives. I'm hoping to get Mike a little more involved in my blog - to make it our blog. He doesn't know it yet, but I'm going to ask him to do some posting too! Good things to come!

Be honest with yourselves in all that you do! Sometimes admitting things, like self abuse, is really painful. But in the end, very freeing!

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-24T07:15:00.000-07:00

To all my dear ones out there, I want to wish you a very MERRY and CHEERFUL Christmas and may you have a delightful NEW year!! We have all worked very hard this year, I hope you're able to look back on the year and say proudly "I did that!" what ever "that" may be. And even if "that" wasn't exactly what you thought it would be, it was still a big accomplishment! I pray we can all be safe and happy this season, and in the new year. Have a safe day tomorrow! May it be filled with the spirit of our Lord as we celebrate his birth. Without him, we have nothing!

Much LOVE to you all!

Merry Christmas!!!

Changing the Game and Farewell

2010-12-10T09:35:00.000-07:00

For anyone that has read my blog or known me for five seconds will know - I LOVE change! I love changing the plan, changing my goals, changing me, changing my life, changing where I live, what I do, how I do it, everything! I'm not really sure why this is the case. If it's because I I thrive on the excitement and thrill and unknown that change bring - or if it's because I'm running from something. If I'm honest, I'd say it's probably a little bit of both!

Of all the goals I set for 2010, I've achieved exactly 2 of them. One was to blog this year about my weight loss. Check! And two, was to run a 10K in Moab with my friend Liana! Check! Last weekend we journeyed down to Moab to run this race. Mike, Liana, myself, and my friend Emery all ran it. I knew Mike and Liana were both going to try for a good time - which I was in 100% support of! I was a little nervous about running that far by myself, but... I figured it would be okay. I had posted about registering for it a couple of months ago, and my friend Emery said she would love to do it too! So you can imagine my surprise and delight when I also found out she planned to stay WITH me the entire time! Em is fit as a whistle and could have run this race in nothing flat, so I was really honored that she chose to stay with me and finish at the very end! She was so awesome, we just chatted and caught up since we haven't seen each other in forever! She offered kind encouragement and I was really grateful to have her with me!

From Left to right: Liana, Sam, Mike. And in front: Stan and Emery. Us before the race!

I was pretty nervous but before I really had time to even think about it, the race had started and we were off. Let's be clear - if it had been this summer, I know that I could have run just about the whole thing! I was ready then. I was NOT ready now! It was tough! The first 3 miles we walked/jogged the entire thing. Not terrible really, but not my best either! We walked pretty much all of mile 3-4. When we got to 4 I told Em, okay, we are going to jog nice and slow the entire mile, and we did! That felt really good - to know that I could still do that! We also jogged most of 5-6.2. Toward the end I started getting a charlie horse in my calve, so that sucked! It hurt a lot, but I kept going. When we got back to the school where the finish line is, you have to do one last lap around the track - that was probably the hardest part. Because you know you are SO close to the finish line and yet... you still have to keep going. And now my calve was REALLY hurting and tightening up! With 200 yards to go I started crying. Crying because I was about to finish. Crying because I accomplished something I never thought I could. And crying because it hurt so bad! But I did it!! I was 6th to the last person that finished the race (hahahahahahaha) but I DID it! And that is what mattered to me! We are going to make this a tradition. And my goal for next year is to jog the entire thing.

I don't know if you read the last post I just posted, but that was actually written about a week ago - I just forgot to actually post it. I've done a LOT of thinking since I wrote it. And I've made some decisions.

Today I was playing with Willow while sitting here reading through some blogs. Right at the beginning of the year I posted about a weekend that we spent entirely training her. It was tough and painful for all involved! She is SUCH a strong willed dog and does NOT like to give up her control to us. But really - who does like to give up their control? Anyway... we had her trained really well. She would sit, lay down, stay, come, and drop her toy in your hand all at our command. Okay - let's be honest here - all at MIKE"S command! Haha! I never really have been able to get her to 100% listen to me. I'm too much of a push over - and she knows it. Anyway, the point was, she had made a HUGE amount of progress! But then... we took her to some family parties. And unfortunately all the kids running around telling her to sit-sit-sit-sit-sit and drop-drop-drop-drop over and over and over and over again taught her that what those words really mean are - run away!

So now when you say drop, she'll run a couple feet away and then drop it. Or she'll bring it to you but then jerk away at the last second. It's MADDENING! Well today I have the day off, whew! I am going to clean and finally get the rest of Christmas up. But as I was sitting here she kept playing this game that she does, and I decided - I wasn't having it. So I'm going back to making her put it in my hand. She gets so frustrated! She drops it right at my feet, where I will usually pick it up. She even put it up by the key board a couple of times. But no. I want it right in my hand. She finally did it a couple of times. But then she realizes she is giving her control up to me, so she gets frustrated and just takes it to chew on it for a while - but she always comes back. At one point she was just staring at me like "You're changing the game - and I don't like it!".

It donned on me that is exactly what has happened to me this year! Each time I got into a comfortable place with my weight loss and what I was doing - the game changed. I know 100% that those changes were all meant to be and that I was doing as the Lord asked. So I'm not trying to say that it was a bad thing it changed, just that it did. This year turned out to be nothing like I thought it would. I thought I would lose some weight. I hoped for 100lbs, but would have been thrilled with 50. That's it - that's really where my expectations stopped. And even though in the end here I lost 45, but have gained back 15, the point is - I still lost 30lbs. But what I have gained in spiritual growth, personal growth, and confidence are SO much more important and precious to me.

I think the Lord has been trying to teach me obedience this year. Each time I made an effort to do as I was asked, the game changed slightly. And for a while I would throw my efforts at His feet, but it wasn't enough - and I knew it. We always know when we are not doing our best.

As this year draws to a close I am grateful. I am grateful for the love I feel from my Heavenly Father that I did not recognize this time last year. I am grateful for a temple recommend that I did not have at this time last year. I am grateful for new friends that I did not have at this time last year. I am grateful that I am 30lbs lighter then I was at this time last year. I am ever so grateful for the peace and confidence that I have now, that I most definitely did not have last year. I know myself better, and know more of what I want. And I think I finally know how to get it.

I'm giving up.

I'm giving up my desire to control everything that happens. I'm giving up my burning desire to lose weight and to control everything that has to do with my weight. I'm giving up focusing my life on losing weight. Why focus a short life on losing - when there is SO much more out there to focus on! I'm not only giving up on deiting as I've stated, I'm giving up on the whole institution.

Instead, I'm embracing myself for who I am NOW. I am loving myself for who I am NOW. And I am thanking God for all that I have in my life NOW! I'm not going to waste any more of the little time I get here on my weight. I'm done!

Does this mean I'm going to stop exercising? No. Does this mean I'm going to stop trying to listen to my body? No. I just means I'm done obsessing over it. It's time for me to focus on other things in my life. I think that if I gave as much attention to other things in life that I give to losing weight - I could accomplish ANYTHING I WANT! I truly believe that, and that's exactly what I'm going to do.

I know that I would not be in a position to even say any of that, without this year that I've had to focus on my body. And for that I will FOREVER be thankful! I have learned so much about what I am really capable of, and what others are capable of. I've lived life to the fullest, and I'm ready to continue doing so to an even higher level!

Next year will of course be filled with goals - as that's my thing. But they will not be the same goals I've always had and for that I am truly excited! I'm ready for what comes next!

With all this thought on change, I've been considering my blog a lot as well. I kind of feel (and you probably do to) that it is coming to an end. I've decided to go silent. I am going to continue blogging, but it will be a private blog. I will not be giving anyone access and will be turning it into even more of journal then it already is. With the goals I have in mind for next year, I know that I am going to have a lot to put on paper. And those are not always going to be thoughts that I can share with others. While the thought saddens me to some degrees, it also is very liberating as well! I plan to keep my blog rolls as they are so that I can still read all of the blogs I have come to love so much!

I'll blog a couple more times through December, and then come January 1, I'll be say adieu.

Feeling lost

2010-12-10T08:31:00.000-07:00

Honestly it kind of saddens me to write this post. But... I have to be who I am. And hiding it from the world or myself doesn't do any good. Lately, when it comes to my body and eating, I feel a little lost.

Since I have ~~wandered~~ walked directly into the Intuitive Eating realm, I've lost touch with a lot of my blogging friends. This make me sad. I understand my blog doesn't do it for them anymore, and frankly, some of the blogs I was reading don't do it for me either. We just kind of went in separate directions. I still peruse my blog rolls, but I'm not faithful about it like I was before. There is no blame here. Just stating it is what it is.

I have been feeling the weight gain lately. As the year is closing to an end I am reminiscing a lot about this year. About how awesome I felt this summer, and let's be honest here - wallowing a bit.

I don't regret my choice to give up dieting and be an intuitive eater, but at the same time, I do. I've gained 12.5lbs. I regret that. But I guess in the long scheme of things, 12.5lbs is a small price to pay for peace with food, right? But I guess that's really the root of the problem. I don't know if I have peace with food. I'd say maybe 10% of the time I do. The other 90% I'm outta control. But then some days I have 90% peace. So is it me? Am I just incapable of showing self control? Is it the food? Is it just so powerful? Is it the plan, does it just not work? Is it really a bunch of crap like so many people say?

This has been a very up and down kind of week. One moment I'm feeling like I just can't do it, like I should just give myself a few rules to follow and that it's not bad that I want to lose weight. And other times I have felt and depressed about my weight, like when I went shopping for clothes the other night. And other times I felt hopeful. I wrote the first part of this post, then I went to Young Womens tonight (a youth group for the young women in my church) and had a great lesson on faith from the Bishop. So maybe I just need to give this more time. Maybe I need to give myself some time. Maybe I need to really dig my feet in and actually try harder! Maybe I need to trust the promptings of the Spirit that lead me to this in the first place.

I'm at a crossroads, I'm tired of swinging so wildly from one end of the spectrum to the other! I'm tired at being in battle with my emotions and my body. I'm tired of being tired. I just want peace. I just want freedom. I just want to let go and trust.

"It's Time To Let Go..."

2010-11-25T18:14:00.000-07:00

"It's time to let go of this painful life"

I had a dream this morning. It was a dream that would have made a great book! Problem is, I don't remember most of it. It was about three women that were friends. And one of them had to leave. I don't remember the circumstances or what happened. The only thing I remember was at the very end, seconds before I woke up, one of them said this quote. And I remember the specific feeling behind it, even though I don't remember the specific context of it. Does that make sense?

In the context of the dream, there were certain circumstances that were causing pain in the woman's life (the one who had to leave). I can't remember what. But I think maybe one of her friend's said this quote to her. And even though she was leaving, that wasn't all that she was letting go of. It was more... that there were things in her heart that needed to be set free so that she could be released from the pain that was haunting her.

As I came out of my dream, this saying was repeating over and over in my head. And it got me thinking. Are there things in my heart that need to be set free? Things that daily cause me pain? That cause others pain? Things that cause this to be a painful life? This question was met with a sorrowful, and yet resounding yes.

I think that it's in our nature as human beings to hold on to things. Hold on to grudges, anger, fear, love, tangible items, beliefs, memories of how things once were, the dream of what could be, the list could go on and on. Sometimes the things we are holding on to are good and wholesome. They bring us peace, hope, joy, and love. But sometimes, there are things we hold on to because we feel it validates us, when really, all it's doing is hurting us. It's crippling the very person that we could be, our true potential if you will. These hurtful things lead us to live painful lives, or at least pain-filled lives.

As today is Thanksgiving, I was in a particularly thoughtful mood. So as I was thinking of all the things I'm ever so grateful for, I was also thinking of things that hinder me and bring pain to my life. See I believe that if we are truly grateful, we will act on that gratitude. Having gratitude should be an action! And although I often express my gratitude, a lot of times it's just lip service. And the only person that benefits really, is maybe myself. And sadly the things I often actually act upon, are the exact painful things that really, I should let go of. Insecurities, fears, judgments, grudges, pride, etc.

I got thinking that maybe if I just chose one of those things that I've been holding in my heart, and chose to let it go, even if it was just for a day - a week - or a month, how would that feel? What would it look like? And although I don't really know the answer yet, I know I want to try. And I want to invite you to join me.

If you can think of something in your life that is causing you pain, I say to you "It's time to let go of this painful life..." and I would add to that statement "so that you can embrace a more joyful one in it's place"! I want to challenge you to post about it. Find one thing that you can let go of, how you feel about it, how it feels to let it go, and what feelings or good experiences can replace it. Let it go! Post this little picture, and if you want, encourage your readers to do the same. Think how much better this world would be if we all removed one of these painful things from our heart, and replaced it with a feeling and action of gratitude!

So my one thing? I know that it's time to let go of the painful life that my selfishness brings to me. I know that is such a huge thing, but it's hard to narrow it down! And really, it has effected EVERY part of my life! My marriage, my relationship (or lack there of sometimes) with God, our finances, our home life and house, my body, my job, etc. Everything. And while it may be too large for me to tackle all at once, this is what I want to be rid of. This is what I want to let go of! And I think I am going to start with my marriage.

My goal this week is to put Mike's needs in front of my own. To respect him more, and to love and serve him more. Also, one of my big goals I had from the begining of the year was to read Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. I never read it, but I am going to finish it before Christmas and start to put what I learn into action. I am SO grateful for my husband, and it's time for me to act on that gratitude!

If you take my challenge, let me know, okay?! I want to read your post and cheer you on!

Happy Thanksgiving my friends! I could not let the day pass with out acting upon my gratitude for YOU! My life has changed because of you and I am a better person because of you! Thank you!!

Peace Brings Power!

2010-11-21T20:26:00.000-07:00

Week 3 - Step 3: Make Peace with Food

From Intuitive Eating:

"3. Make Peace with Food Call a truce, stop the food fight! Give yourself unconditional permission to eat. If you tell yourself that you can't or shouldn't have a particular food, it can lead to intense feelings of deprivation that build into uncontrollable cravings and, often, binging When you finally “give-in” to your forbidden food, eating will be experienced with such intensity, it usually results in Last Supper overeating, and overwhelming guilt."

Make peace with food huh? Well, I'm getting there. I still have a ways to go, but I feel like I've made a lot of progress in the last three months. I'm not binging near as often as I was when I started. I'm only overeating about 1/2 to 1/4 the time. I still struggle quite a bit with the emotional eating, but... I'm not giving up. I have a feeling when I get to that step I will probably work on it longer than a week. Maybe a month. I think of all these steps, that is truly what I struggle with the most.

I think that I am actually at peace with the play foods. I honestly and truly believe they are no longer off limits and that I can eat them when ever I want. It's almost like they have traded places with healthy food. I have been hesitant about healthy food or diet food. Thinking about it, I think it's because I'm afraid of it. Afraid that if I eat it I will start sliding back in my thinking. But... I know what the next step in making peace with food is. I need to give that fear to God and let go. And then accept healthy food the way I have the play food, and fall in love with it!

In all the diets I've ever been on, I don't think I've really ever LOVED the food! I think most times I tolerated it, sometimes I liked it or didn't mind it. Sometimes I found things that I actually did love! I wrote the first part of this paragraph, but as I read over it, I realized it isn't true! I mean sure, there was some food I didn't love and will never eat again because I don't have to. But really, I did love a lot of the food. It tasted good and I made great meals! I think what tainted the food though was the restriction. Feeling like I had to eat it to get what I wanted. That was what I didn't love. It was like the food took my power away from me, and for that, I hated it!

This time it's different, because I have the power! I can make the choice to eat healthy - when I want to. And I can make the choice to eat a play food and NOT feel guilty about it.

I was just looking through all my pictures from this year, and man, I smiled a lot! I sweat a lot! It was a good year. I was in LOVE with how I felt! I was in LOVE with the energy I had! I was in LOVE with myself! And while I realize I feel at peace with food, I also realize that eating only play foods has taken away some thing that I LOVE, cherish, and crave...

Energy!

While I have been making peace with play foods, and I do believe that has been a very important process for me, they are not very nutritious. They do not give me energy. So even though I have wanted to move my body, I'm usually too tired.

I have been thinking about this all weekend, and I feel like.... I mean I'm ready... I mean I need... I mean I want to eat healthy foods this week! And what I LOVE about that, is that it's truly a want! I want to have the energy I know they'll bring! I want to have the energy to really start moving my body again! I mean I really felt good when I did that! I felt so alive! And what I also love is that I KNOW that even though that's what I want, it doesn't mean I have to start depriving myself of the play foods I have been devouring. It just means that I don't really feel like or want them all the time any more. I know that I can have them when I want, and that is so freeing! But even more freeing is knowing that I don't NEED them all the time! I no longer dream about them, drool over them, or obsess about them. I am at peace with the play foods.

I found this picture, and I don't know if I had ever shared it, maybe I did. But I just love it! I love the HUGE grin I have! And I love how you can see this delight and pride in my eyes of knowing how hard I had worked to earn that bright pink glow! I want that glow back. I want to sweat again! And the best part is that I know I can have it all! I can have the healthy food, I can have the play food, I can have the sweat! It's mine for the taking, and don't mind if I do!

Changes & AWESOME Ideas!

2010-11-19T07:22:00.000-07:00

Do you ever just need change? I do! I love change! You've probably noticed that. I change my plans, I change my blog, I'm changing me. You may notice I've gone from a three column blog to two. I've been playing with the sizing, so if you are seeing anything funky, please let me know (things like text overlaying each other or running of the page, or not being centered).

What kind of changes are you working on?

This has been a year of changes for me. But I think one of the things I've learned is that who I am is just perfect! I am a beautiful individual and am just who I need to be. And all of the people that I have met, they're beautiful too! Every single one of them! It's just the outer layer that needs to be shed. No, I'm not talking about the lbs (although those are welcome to leave any time, right?). I think that each of us at the core are perfect. We are exactly as God intended. The problem is we go through life and all this "other" stuff gets in the way of who we really are. It's like when you have something sticky, like a sucker (a really big one, and it's heart shaped), and you walk outside and some of those white dandelions get blown by the wind and get stuck to your sucker (okay, bad analogy, I couldn't think of anything! :D) Underneath is a perfectly good sucker. Sweet, tasty, etc. Now, you just have to pull of each of the little dandelions fluffs (okay, this just went from bad to worse!). Those little fluffs are the negative habits, thoughts, experiences that we pick along the way. And to get to the yummy core, we just have to pull them off one by one! You with me? Let's get rid of the fluff!

So I picked up some great ideas today, and I wanted to share them with you.

Okay, first one. I have never really liked shopping! I think I did when I was younger, but the older I got, and the heavier I got, the less and less I liked it. I would even say for a long while, I hated it. Then, I finally made peace with it and we tolerate each other. This is how I shop, get in, try it on, get out as fast as possible! Also, I tend to talk to myself in the dressing room, and that leads to embarrassing moments!! It's quite comical really, I talk to myself as if I were a friend come to help. Haha, I think maybe the first step would be to bring a real friend rather than my imaginary one? Anyway... there is no joy in it. But... I think I might enjoy it if it wasn't so painful. So here is the idea I heard.

Let's say you need to buy some slacks. You should get three sizes to go in the dressing room. The size you think you actually are, and the two next sizes up. Start with the largest size and go down. It is much less painful to go down in sizes when trying them on, the up. The other part to it, is when you go into the dressing room, put on the pants while facing away from the mirror (and even close your eyes if you have to). Then once you find the pants that feel the best, you can look in the mirror. And by feel the best, I mean the ones that the waist band is not to loose or too tight. You can sit down in them comfortably. You can move in them easy and gently. Etc. Then, you can look. Then if you like the look as well, tada! You have a match, and it was painless and maybe even gave you some confidence in the choice you made. I'm going to try this the next time I go, I'll let you know.

Next, a tip on exercising, DON'T do it! (Don't leave, let me explain!) Instead, just move your body! What's the difference? One, I guess the reason behind it, and two is what you are doing. I've had several gym memberships. I've spent a lot of time in the gym working really hard (and not losing as much weight as I thought I deserved to be losing and getting more and more & more frustrated)! I've also had many many many months where I paid for my membership, but didn't use it once. In fact, I've done that more often then I want to admit. Anyway... now, I'm trying to look at exercise a little differently. Exercise is about LIFE not calories! It's about using your body and feeling ALIVE! It's about doing what you LOVE and what makes you FEEL GOOD! Yesterday I heard the best question, "What does the toddler inside of you want to do today"? Don't you love it??! I do! Think about a toddler you know. When they are running around chasing a dog, or playing in a pool, or even going for a walk with mommy, are they thinking about calories? Of course not! They are playing! They are having fun! They are doing what they love and probably feel really energized, happy, and healthy! That is what I want my activity to be. I want to do things that do make me feel alive and energized. That make me happy! For me, that could be going hiking (which I LOVE) or jogging (which I also love! I love that feeling of satisfaction knowing I'm doing something I never thought I could do and the time it gives me to be with my thoughts). I know that there are SO many health benefits to exercise, and I'm not trying to discount those. But let's be honest, if that were really a motivating factor for most people, we would be a healthy nation. But we aren't! But what if we let the real motivation be how it makes us FEEL? I think a LOT more people would move their body more if they didn't feel like they had to go to the gym to "exercise". And just for the record, if going to the gym does make you feel alive and great, then by ALL means, do it! I've heard so many good things about Zumba, Yoga, Pilates, Spinning, etc. Those are all in a gym, and I want to try them all because I think they sound just delightful! I guess what I'm trying to say, move your body to feel and be alive!

And the last tip I can't remember. When I do, I'll post it. Sorry, my brain doesn't seem to hold much these days! Hopefully those two will hit a nerve, if they do, I'd love to hear about it!

Life Changing Paradigm Shift

2010-11-14T20:12:00.002-07:00

Week 2 - Step 2: Honor your hunger

I bought the Intuitive Eating digital recording. I thought it was the just an audio recording of the book. But it's not. It's actually the authors more teaching the book. It's shorter than the book, but I'm really enjoying it. They do these learning sets where they walk you through some of the skills. So far I've listened to the first two steps and gone through the skill sets. Wow, talk about an eye opener. I thought the book was awesome, this is even better! It's like having counseling sessions with them! :)

I actually had what Steven Covey calls a Paradigm Shift last night. It had been a good day. Mike is still sick, poor guy, so I told him to plant his butt on the couch and rest. I cleaned most of the day and felt really productive! I tried to go running, but it was just too cold. My running clothes do not cut it. So I turned around and came home, I'm going to buy some winter running stuff tomorrow for the race.

Anyway, I was feeling really good about having done so much. I had a couple of really great listening to my body-days. So I bought this digital download and started listening to it yesterday. In the first skill - Reject the Diet Mentality, there were two things that kept jumping out at me every time they said it, which was often.

Be curious, don't judge.

Put weight loss on the back burner.

As I think back over these last couple of weeks (months) of struggling, I thought I had stalled out. I thought I was failing and "struggling". But now I realize that I have been going through the exact process I needed to. The only real problem, is that I have been judging myself and criticizing myself for gaining weight, and not losing weight. Part of that comes from 15 years of judging myself. Part of that comes from focusing on what I always have focused on... weight loss. Rather than being curious about my experiences, why I was over eating, why I was hiding from certain emotions, why certain experiences or people were setting me off, I was just judging. Now that my eyes are open, I plan to change that. I made these little signs, and I'm going to put them up every where - in my car, bathroom, kitchen, work, computer. I want to learn to be curious and not judge. To learn and to be taught, and not to judge.

So I got curious about what I have I been doing right. Well, I've definitely been eating! : ) I think I've am really to the point where I truly believe, and my body believes, that I can eat anything... unconditionally. If I want to eat a whole sheet cake, I can (I didn't eat the whole thing, Mike helped!). If I want to eat a whole bag of caramel apple suckers, I can and did, and they were delicious. If I want to eat a stick of butter, I can (I didn't, I'm just saying I could if I wanted to). My point is that I am truly to the point where I know that no foods are off limits, and never again will they be. This I think is huge!

I have become fairly adept at honoring my hunger. I don't always get to eat right when I feel I should, but I can feel it. I'm learning when it's time to eat, when I've gone way past it, etc.

I have learned that I have a hard time being brave and sitting with my emotions. I'm not judging myself for that, just acknowledging that it's the case.

I also need to acknowledge that I have been avoiding diet foods. There have been times that my body wanted to eat them, and I rejected them because they are a diet food and I am not "dieting" anymore. Which means I have not been unconditional about eating those foods. Haha. Didn't see that one coming. Now I am trying to open my self to the fact that it's not about what my head wants or deems appropriate anymore. It's what my body wants. And if my body wants something that I use to consider "diet" food, well, it's not really "diet" food anymore. It's just a healthy choice.

Lots of good things, maybe not perfection, but definitely progress!

Anyway, back to my paradigm shift. So I finished listening to the part on Reject the Diet Mentality, and they wanted me to find somewhere quiet and go through some statements with them. So I went in our bedroom, shut the door and turned off the light. I made it so my iPod was the only light giver. She would say a statement that was more something you might hear a dieter say, and then help you change it into a intuitive eating statement. It was a great process. At the end she mentioned that putting weight loss on the back burner is one of the key elements to really adopting this way of life. I paused it, and there in that dark room, I searched my soul.

I flashed back to the last month, weeks, days, and even hours. I saw the truth, and it was so big and obvious. I may not be stepping on a scale anymore, but I am still weighing myself just the same. Every day! Every moment practically. I am judging myself for how tight my pants are, for the muffin top that is hounding me, for the image in the mirror.

There in that dark room by myself in the quiet, I faced some real demons. Well, maybe not real, but... they are my demons to face. I realized that this is never going to work, unless I trust the process. And by that I mean trust myself. Trust my body. Trust my God.

I have to stop looking in the mirror and being disgusted by what I see.

I have to stop tugging and pulling on my clothes and for heavens sake just wear something that is comfortable.

I need to give myself some room to just breath. To grow. To learn. To make mistakes, and to learn from them.

And to realize that by letting go of this faithful friend that I've had so long, "weight loss", I will gain so much more in the end.

It's time to shed some weight alright. Just not the weight I always thought I needed to lose. It's the other things that weigh me down that need to go. The insecurities, judging others and myself, selfishness, the masks I wear to protect myself, laziness and procrastination, fear, anger, and this desire to fix myself by losing weight.

It's time to forgive. It's time to let go.

It was one of those moments that you know changes everything. Where your heart almost starts racing a little, and your skin is tingly and on fire. And you know from the top of your head to the bottom or your toes, that when you open your eyes, everything will look different. My contemplating quickly turned into a prayer. A prayer of sorrow at first. Asking forgiveness for my faults, shortcomings, and attitude. Then a prayer of gratitude. I have been given SOOO much in my life! And lastly, a prayer of... begging really. I begged that this affair that I have with weight loss could end. That this could be a real change deep within me, deep within my heart. That it can be lasting. That I can give up this desire, that he would pry open my clenched fingers and take it.

And my prayer was answered. There is a pit inside me where this longing use to reside. And it was emptied yesterday. It was then filled with the love of God. I know that sounds probably a little crazy. I wish I could really explain it, but the truth is there are no sufficient words to describe the utter peace, warmth, and light that filled it's place.

I am now ready to start the real work. To start down this path that I had no idea I would even be on. I can't wait to see what comes next!

I want to live it!

2010-11-11T18:30:00.001-07:00

So Willow got a new toy, she turned one! And yes, we're going to have a party, I just don't know when. That's right, I'm throwing a birthday party for my dog. Leave me alone. ;) Anyway...

I'm sitting here reading blogs, and realize she is whining (and probably has been for 5 minutes) for me to throw her toy. I bend down to pick it up, but it's not there. I ask her "Where is it?" and she runs under the desk to find it. She comes prancing out with it in her mouth and ready for me to throw it.

That is how I have been with this whole healthy eating thing. I'm whinning and whining and hoping it will work, and crying because it's not. But if someone were to ask me "where is it" or "what are you doing" I'm afraid I'd have to wonder off to go find it before I could answer. In other words, I spoke of honoring my hunger on Sunday, and that is where I left it. Oh, I've done a little here and a little there. I've done some reading, and granted I've been really sick this week. But ultimately, I'm not trying. There, I said it. I'm not giving my all, and haven't been for quite some time. I want to be giving it all, I sit and watch my all, and think of it and picture what it looks like in my minds eye. But... sad face here - I haven't been living it.

I had a really interesting conversation with Mike and my father in law the other day. We were talking about religion and what it means to be a true disciple. We also had a very provoking discussion on what it means to "find yourself" or to "lose yourself" but that is for another day. We were talking about when God gives us a commandment, (and I'm paraphrasing the entire conversation here, so bear with me) there are three reasons we would obey it.

One, fear. We fear what would happen if we didn't, or the consequences of what would happen if we don't do it.

Two, the blessings. We want the blessings so we do what we are asked. Sometimes this want comes from greed, and other times I think it comes from a very sincere need for blessings. And sometimes it comes from just a want to have a better life. Be it spiritually, physically, financially or whatever. I don't believe wanting blessings is in poor form, but I do think that sometimes we (and by we I mean me) get too focused on "what's in it for me".

Three, faith and true devotion. We do as we are asked, not because of the promise of more, but for the love in our heart. Just as a child submits to a parent, we submit to God.

(I need to state here that I am merely observing these options. This is not meant as a judgment on anyone, or even myself. Heavens knows I have lived my life coming from all three places at one time or another.)

I've been contemplating all this since Saturday. And yesterday as I was reading Intuitive Eating, I applied the same concept to my body. I started thinking about why we treat our body one way or another. After all, is not our body a gift from God? I believe that it is. I believe that he wants us to treat ourselves and bodies with respect and love. I believe that eating the way I do sometime is selfish and greedy. And that when I talk to myself in such a irreverent and cruel way, I am hurting Him too. So why do I want to be healthy? Why do I want to learn to be an intuitive eater?

One, fear. I fear gaining more weight. I fear the consequences that could bring, like never being able to have children. Never feeling comfortable in my own skin. Never being able to play with my kids - to ride bikes, hike, swim, etc. The possibility of cutting my life short because of my poor health. The likely hood of passing on my habits to my children. (Interestingly enough as I thought of several "nevers" I thought, no I could still do that. Even if I gain weight, I can still be and feel sexy. I can still love life and be happy. I think so often we pin WAY to much on being thin or skinny.)

Two, the blessings. As stated above, sometimes this is a good thing. It's wanting better health by the numbers. Lower cholesterol, lower blood pressure, balanced hormones (what would that be like?), etc. Sometimes it is a more selfish thing, like just wanting to like what you see in the mirror. Wanting to be able to go shopping and not have to leave in tears. Or wanting to prove to everyone who ever said you couldn't do it, that you can.

Three, faith and true devotion. As I've written this, I've discovered that three is really just a little of one and a little of two all mixed together with a strong dose of faith and love. Fear isn't always a bad thing. And blessings are there for a reason. When it comes to my body? I don't want to take care of it so that I can just avoid future regrets. I don't want to take care of it just so that I can have what I think I've always wanted because I think it will give me the happiness I "never" knew. I want to be healthy and treat myself well, because I deserve it. Because I am a good person and I am worthy of being honored and respected. I can make these healthy decisions because I love my body and cherish it. And I want to be able to share it with my loved ones now, and for a really long time.

So once again, I am committing to love myself. To honor my body. To cherish what God so lovingly gave me. And hope that this time it will stick for more than an hour. :D

Week 1 - Step 1: Reject the Diet Mentality

2010-11-07T18:36:00.000-07:00

* I would like to start this post off with a blanket statement. I get that this type of living is not for everyone. If you are reading this and you have no interest in intuitive eating, or giving up dieting, that's okay. Please understand - I'm not asking you to! I'm not really even asking you to get it. I'm just asking that you lovingly support me in the way I have chosen to live, just as I will lovingly support you. If it is not for you, I invite you to read anyway. Take what you can from it for what you are doing in your own eating world, and leave the rest for someone else. Thank you! *

Welcome to my first post of my 10 Weeks of Intuitive Eating. I am currently ending week 1. I had actually thought I was working on Step 2: Honor your hunger, but as think over the week and how it went, I really was working on Step 1: Reject the Diet Mentality. I'll get into more of that in a second. So each week I will read the chapter and focus my efforts on living and learning that skill. At the end of the week I will post about my experience. Should you be interested in joining me, I am following the steps from Intuitive Eating.

Want to know what I learned this week?

1. I'm a fake. Or flake. Maybe both.

I promised myself and my readers I was going to do the shred daily, and run on Saturdays. I remember it, you may remember it, and it's in a post, so there is proof. I promised I would do it. Guess how many times I did the shred? Go ahead, take a stab at it! If you guessed a big fat 0, then you would be correct! I did run last Saturday, and a short one on Tuesday. But did I run yesterday? Nope! Plum forgot! I had the time too! I could have! Duh! I'm a little peeved at myself, if you can't tell.

**I finished writing this post and am coming back to proof. After writing the whole post, I'm not mad at myself anymore. I just recognize that I wasn't ready. I pushed myself because I was feeling the pressure to do something that would help me lose weight. And while I tied it up in a pretty package about being about energy and all that it wasn't really. It was about me being scared that I'm gaining weight and turning back to an old mentality. It was about me not trusting myself or the direction the Lord has given me. Although I do sometimes do things that make me a hypocrite, I do not believe I am a fake. And although I definitely could be more responsible, I do not think I am a flake. That statement was said in frustration of not really understanding myself. That my friends is the power of posting. I love it when I just let my fingers go and then I learn something about myself in the process! Do you do that?

2. I thought I had given up the diet mentality, I hadn't.

So this week was a real struggle! Not only on the exercise front, but the eating. I did try and honor my hunger, but more often than not I chose to just EAT! I actually feel like I am getting pretty good at recognizing my hunger and eating when I do. The problem is more recognizing when my hunger is gone and when it's time to stop. Today as I've been looking back over the week and thinking about it, I think that I was using "Intuitive Eating" as an excuse to EAT EAT EAT! There were times when I was out to eat, and something looked tasty, but I rejected that idea because it was a "diet" food. I don't diet anymore! But then as I've thought about that, I thought duh Sam! You weren't thinking of that option because it was a diet food, you were thinking it looked good! Your body wanted it, which means it was a good choice! Instead I chose something that was not as healthy, and it was not as satisfying! While that's frustrating, it's also encouraging to know that foods that would be better for me nutritiously are starting to be appealing again, and my body is slowly weaning (and I do mean SLOWLY) itself off of the play food.

As I look back over the week, I had a lot more times when I was standing in front of the mirror or in the shower, or when I would catch my reflection in a mirror and I would think "I'm getting fat again. I can't let that happen!". I found myself being a little rude to myself again, judging myself again and not stopping it when it happened. I found myself fantasizing about Weight Watchers a little. I thought I was past all this, but I think it's probably not something I just "get past" it's probably more something that you just continue to commit to over and over and over and over until yes, someday it becomes habit. So I was going to skip this step in my focusing on them, but turns out, I needed it! I needed to recommit myself, and to feel that this IS the path I want. I do NOT want to diet again. I do NOT want to go backwards. I want to move forward with what I feel will work for me.

3. I still care way too much about what others have to say.

I check my blog so many times a day to see if I have comments! It's really quite ridiculous! And then if I get one that I feel the person commenting misunderstood what I was trying to say, I dwell and dwell on it. Sometimes I think of e-mails or conversations I would have with that person to explain myself. Sometimes when this happens, I think I should just not post. Or turn off commenting all together. Or maybe I should moderate my comments - but even if I did and I got a comment I didn't like - I'd probably still post it, because deep down, I'm a people pleaser. I want to please others. I want others to like me.

This happened this week, and as I was dwelling on it for the umpteenth time, I thought, "You know Sam, maybe there is a deeper issue here". Why is it that you give so much power to what others say about you? Or to you? Obviously, by posting on an open blog on the internet for all the world to see, you have to have tough skin. Truth is, I don't have it. I play like I do sometimes, but I don't. I'm feel vulnerable and sensitive, scared and insecure. But I do want to get to the point where it does bother me so bad. Where others can share their thoughts or opinions and rather than feeling like it's a criticism or a personal attack (even when most the time, it's probably not! I just see that way with the stories I tell in my head) I can just see it for what it is. I don't have the answer yet. But at least I'm aware of the problem and will be looking for answers. Validate me here by telling me I'm not the only one who struggles with this! ;)

4. Even with all the struggling, flaking, and all that - I'm not giving up.

I will continue to put this way of living to practice in my life. I don't think I'm ready for the shred. I thought I was, but... obviously there is some hesitancy there and I am not going to force myself to do it for the sake of losing weight. If the desire were there, I would have done it. But, it isn't. As for the 10k? I'm going in with no plan! I'm just going to wing it! I'm just going to do what I can before the 4th, and do my best at the race. Mike has possibly broken his foot, so he will not be running (But he and Willow will be there to cheer us on!), but Liana will. And I have another friend that will be joining us as well! I'm looking forward to it and it will be an awesome way to close out this most amazing year!

I am not going back to dieting. I'm not. Even though I did think about it and consider it. And yes, I would like it if my clothes fit better and the scale gave me a smaller number. However, even more than that I want FREEDOM! I want PEACE! I want to be the one in control, and not the food. So for me, I committing myself to this plan another day, another week. This week, I will focus on Step 2: Honor your hunger, while remembering that I no longer need that dieting mentality. I'm safe without it!

When I Grow Up...

2010-11-05T08:06:00.000-06:00

This was a song that I listened to when I was a little girl. (I don't want to hear any snarky comments about brainwashing! :D) Funny thing is, when I was a little girl babies were the farthest thing from my mind! I am the youngest of three. So I never took care of younger siblings. And because I was the youngest of my neighborhood girls, by the time I was old enough to babysit everyone already had babysitters. So there were like two families I tended for sometimes, and they were older kids.

My first diaper I ever changed? I threw up afterward! Now granted, it was a 3 year old's diaper, but still.

When I was like twelve and suppose to be gaga over babies - I would hide from them. When I would go to young women's if there were babies all the other girls would be fighting over who got to hold them next. Not me! I wasn't interested.

I had one young women's leader that would make me hold her baby. And there was a baby that I really loved to hold on my mission. But other than that... well yeah. That's about the extent of my baby experience.

It wasn't until we had been married a year or two before all of sudden I got hit in the head with baby hunger. I just couldn't get over them. Everywhere I went, it was all I saw. Babies, baby stuff, baby clothes, pregnant women, etc. I still didn't want to hold babies. Not because I really didn't want to, but because I was scared. I felt awkward and stupid about the fact that I felt awkward! Shouldn't every woman know how to hold a baby? I don't. Still don't really. I will hold one if I am sitting down. I hate the pass off - that's the worst!!

Anyway you get the picture, right?

Well, even though I'm clueless about babies and kids, I want one more than anything. We've been not protecting for about 4 years. But we haven't done any fertility. We will. And if we can't get prego, we will adopt.

This year has been about finding myself. I've lost about 40lbs, I'm much more spiritual and aware of myself then I've been, probably ever. I'm happy, I have happy thoughts, and I love my life. I still have a long way to go to be the woman I want to be for the the people I love, but I'm getting there. But there is still something missing. I still yearn to be a mom. I still yearn to give hugs and kisses, kiss scraped knees, and give away yellow balloons! I know that every mom who is reading this right now, is rolling their eyes.

There is a couple of upsides to having children later, one of which you get to watch all your friends have kids first. So you get to learn from their mistakes! :D Thanks ya'll! I have done a lot of watching in the last four years and this I know - being a mom is not all hugs and kisses. It is exhausting, frustrating, harder then anything I've done up until now. I get that. But I still want it!!

There is this couple in our ward (church) that had been trying to get pregnant for 9 years. They finally adopted the sweetest little boy about a year and 1/2 ago (who funny enough, looks just like them). At our Halloween party I saw her and realized she is pregnant. I asked her about it in the hall way (with tons of people around) and she told me they were preparing for their second adoption this summer when she found out she was pregnant! I got so excited for her I just gave her a big hug and started crying (again, with tons of people around, I felt really silly!). Sure, partly they were sad-jealous tears if I'm honest. But more than that they were happy-hopeful tears. Happy for her that she gets to have her dream come true, hopeful for us. I know that Heavenly Father has heard their prayers and that he will hear ours too!

I've been feeling very strongly about something for a while now, I've decided to act on it. This is one of those projects I've been alluding to in the last couple of posts. I feel really silly when I tell people about it, but I feel like it is really important for me to do and that the Spirit is telling me so. Part of this year was getting to know myself, yes. But another part of it is preparing to be a better mother than I would have been. And I think part of that should be learning about children, and babies, and taking care of them. There is another family in our ward that I really look up to! They have six children and are amazing parents!! I especially look up to Jeanette. I've watched her in sacrament meeting with her kids. She is always SO patient and kind to them. Even when they are throwing a tantrum and just being naughty. She just quietly whispers to them, never gets frustrated (I'm sure that's not true, I think all mothers must get frustrated! But she hides it very well!). That is the kind of mom I want to learn how to be.

And learn it I will have to do! I get so frustrated with Willow, my dog, so I'm sure that I am going to have to learn to keep my temper under control, learn to hide my impatience, and to be kind even when I feel like yelling. But I really really do not want to be a yelling mom.

Anyway, Jeannette just had a baby not to long ago. So I've asked her if I could come over a couple of hours each week and she can teach me some things about babies, and about being a mom. I think she was excited, and I know I am. While I felt so silly asking "can you teach me to be a mom" it feels right. I hope to get to the point that she can leave the kids with me and they can go out. I want to say here that my own mom has taught me a lot about being a great mom! She is loving and kind as well, and very service oriented. So I feel like I already been given a great example, and have a very good foundation to grow from.

For anyone who has struggled to get pregnant, you will understand how painful it is. How hard it is to go to baby showers, and even to church sometimes. I had to force myself to go to the Halloween party (where we took 1st place for our Chili, by the way!!!) because I knew I would see so many cute little families. How you have to hurry past the baby section in Wal-mart or Target, because if you don't, you'll find yourself wandering through the clothes while your heart is being twisted inside out.

But you know, even with all that, I feel like this year has given me a lot of perspective. I'm actually glad I haven't had kids up until now. Because I know that I will be a much better mommy then I would have been. I still will fall on my face... a lot... but it will be better for my children that I have had some time to grow up. And now, I thank my Father every day for that time! And I know, being a parent is around the corner, and I'd better finish getting ready (well, as ready as one can be for something that you can never really be ready for!)!!

What you do after the hill, is what counts!

2010-10-31T21:13:00.000-06:00

So as promised, I went running Saturday. I did not go four miles. I didn't leave myself enough time. And if I'm honest with myself, that is okay. I think four miles would have killed me. So I settled for two miles and promised myself I would jog the entire thing. I almost did, I walked in about three places, and not for very long.

I had kind of an interesting experience though, so I thought I would share it.

I was on my little trail that I always run. I should take some pictures for you some time. Anyway, I haven't run for another two weeks. So this was not an easy run, and I knew it wouldn't be. But I just took it nice and slow - and went for it. Right in the middle of the jog (which is 2 miles long exactly), there is a hill. It's probably only about 1/8 of a mile, but I think it's pretty decent! Anyway, for the first part of the run, I was trying to focus on my breathing. And I'll be honest, I focused quite a bit on how BAD my feet were hurting, and how the cold air was my lungs burn, and how my thighs felt like rubber! Me - Me - Me! Not in a good "I'm living in the now and observing my surroundings" kind of way. More of a... selfish "everything is about me" kind of way. It wasn't good. And you know what's interesting, but then not really a surprise? It was hard! That was the hardest part of my run! I was tired, it was labor to keep going. I was in pain, and it wasn't going away! Anyway, I got to the hill, and my "coach" got going and helped me jog all the way to the top without stopping. Yay! Thanks coach (Yes, I talk to my voices - leave me alone)! As part of my encouragement to make it up the hill, I had told myself I could walk when I got to the top. So I made it to the top, and I walked. As I was walking (at a quick pace) I thought to myself, "You know if Jillian Michaels was with you, she would be yelling her head off at you!". Why? I guess the truth is that it's what you do after the hill that really counts. So I made it up the hill!! Go me!! But then what? I just give up? I stop running? Why? I wasn't 100% out of breath. I could have just slowed my pace a little to catch up with myself. Why did I have to stop jogging? So here is where my thoughts really took a turn, as did my run. I started jogging again. And started writing this post in my head.

You know, in life, we have to deal with a lot! Sometimes it's an immediate crisis, like losing a loved one, a car accident, a scraped knee, learning you have a very debilitating disease, loss of the use of a limb, divorce, not being able to have children - or at least having trouble doing so, etc. As I was thinking of these, I think it was interesting that they spanned such a wide scale of severity. I do not mean to belittle any one's crisis by comparing it to a scrapped knee. I guess I was just thinking that to every person, if what they are going through feels like a "crisis" well then it is one. Even if their crisis may not seem like much in comparison to someone else's.

Anyway... I was thinking about going through a crisis. What do we do? We bunker down. We deal. Or maybe we don't deal, and that's how we get through. Some of us hide ourselves from the world, while others constantly surround themselves with others. Some people need silence, while others have to have constant noise to drown out the feelings. Some people starve themselves, not on purpose I think (I wouldn't know, because I've never had this particular problem. :D But I do know people that have) and some people shovel the food in like it's going out of style. Some people shop, and others save. The point is, we all have our way of dealing with these times. And we do what it takes to get through the crisis. I think that during a time of crisis we need to be loving and kind with ourselves, and allow what needs to happen to happen.

But there does come a time, when we are able to move past the crisis - or the crisis is over. And I think this is a time we get to find out what we are really made of. I think it is a time we still need to be loving and kind to ourselves. We need to not necessarily judge ourselves for our weaknesses. But I do think we need to hold ourselves accountable and responsible. It's a time to look back on what just happened and look for the possible lessons that can be learned. It's a time to look at what is in front of us, what we have now, and decide what we are going to do with it.

I started thinking of people I know who have dealt with serious - life altering - crisises. I look up to these people so much, and hope that someday I can be more like them. These are people that have dealt with losing loved ones in tragic circumstances, divorce (some expected, some not expected), some with chronic diseases that will never go away, etc. And you know, these people I am thinking about are astonishingly positive. Instead of dwelling on their crisis, they have chosen to use it as a way to become a better person. And not only that, but to share their inspiring attitudes with others. These people have impacted my life and taught me that it's not what life brings you that matters - it's what you do with it.

So the point of all this, when you get to the top of hill, don't stop running! I did, and it was disappointing. I was disappointed in myself when I realized what happened. I want to fight a little more, stay engaged, stay in tune with the goal before me. And when I get to the top of the hill, I want to keep running!

The cool thing? After I thought about all that, I started thinking on the projects I briefly mentioned in my last post that I'm not ready to share yet. One of which has to do with serving others. I started thinking on that, planning, brainstorming. And you know what happened? From the time I started thinking of others, my jog became easier! My breath leveled out. The pain in my feet lessened. The rest of the jog I had no desire to walk. I wasn't worrying about "me" anymore. Talk about a big eye opener!

Lesson learned: Forget yourself!

Bum in Blogland

2010-10-29T21:11:00.000-06:00

Who is the bum you ask? Actually... you probably don't need to ask! I have not been really feeling like blogging. I haven't been posting as you can tell, and I haven't been leaving comments. Sorry. I read lots of blogs though, and am supporting you in my heart! Life has changed quite a bit for me recently, and I'm adjusting. I honestly don't know what that means for my blog at this point. But... I'm not letting it go. Just slowin' down a little.

Mike and I have been talking alot about getting out of debt. We've decided to make it happen and make it our main focus for next year. So we are getting started early. We'll be following Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover. I'm pretty excited! We've already saved our $1,000 emergency fund, and paid off two debts. So right now we are trying to not spend money as often as possible and to increase our income. Luckily, my new job has a LOT of overtime available, as does Mike's. So as often as I can, I'll be working between 10-20 hours of OT a week. So between that and a couple of other projects I'm not ready to share yet (but I will), I"m going to be really busy! I'll try to get one or two posts in, but we'll see. I will still be working on making peace with food next year, but it won't be my only focus. So I'll be talking about a lot more varied things. I'm excited about that too! While blogging about my weight loss has been amazing, I'm excited for the same accountability in our financial world as well. Don't know that I'll be sharing numbers, but I want to take whoever wants to read on this journey as well.

So... I'm still kind of in the same funk I've been in for the last month. I'm still trying to pay attention to my body signals, but it's proving much more difficult then it was in the beginning. But then... that's life right? Everything is easy in the beginning. A friend at work shared a quote with me today: "Everything works, and nothing doesn't". It's so true! No matter what diet or budget or financial plan or whatever you choose - if you actually stick to it and work it, it will work.

I truly, deep down in my gut, know that this will work (for me). That this is the means to the end. No not the end, to the journey (for me). I have faith in myself that I can be trusted with food, that I do not need to/have to depend on it emotionally, and that I can eat in a way that my body will go to it's natural weight - be that whatever it is. I just have to stay the course. I just have to pay attention and not give in to old habits. Just because I'm not "dieting" in the traditional sense, it is still work. It's just a different kind of work. And I keep telling myself that it took 15 years to get here, it's not going to change in a month. Patience. Patience. Patience! (Who has time for patience anyway?!) My dear friend Susan once told me that patience is the art of hiding your impatience! So I need to work on that art a little more! :)

So I think what I've decided to do is break down the steps into weeks. There are 10 steps to Intuitive Eating. So each week I will focus on one step. Of course I'll still try and do the others, but I'll give particular attention to that step. I hope this will keep me engaged, on target, and in tune. I am also going to start the 30 day shred. That's right, I'm giving up my non-plan plan for a... plan. :) My running has, unfortunately been non-existent. And with my schedule being the way it is going to be... I just don't know when I'll get to run. Because the only time I'll have is at night or early in the morning. Which would be fine - except for the fact that it's dark. I've considered running at lunch, but there isn't a shower at work, and 9 times out 10 I work through my lunch for the OT. Soo... I can do a 20 min workout in my home anytime. So that's what I'm going to do. And then I'll go for a jog on Saturdays, and hope it's enough to have me ready for my 10K in Moab.

I get so tired sitting all day, I know it's just sitting. But it just makes you lethargic. So I will be following this workout plan to 1. Give me Energy! 2. Help my day feel accomplished and help me feel good about myself. 3. Help prepare me for my 10K. 4. Tone my body. And 5. Yes, burn calories. I finally admitted to myself that I do want to do that. Although, I am happy to say it really is number 5 on the list and will not be my number one reason for working out. So the "plan" will be to do the shred Mon-Fri and a run each Saturday. I have five Saturdays until the 10K. So for the first three I will do a four mile jog. The 4th one I will do a 5 mile jog. And the 5th one I'll do a 6.2 mile jog. Whew!!! That's heavy, but I'm excited for the challenge!

As I was just proofing my post, I realized I talk a lot about plans. I change my mind a lot this year. That's just part of who I am I think. But here's the thing, even though I have changed my mind quite a bit this year, and I've had to make adjustments. For once, I've stuck to my determination to get healthy. I've had my down times, and my up times. But I haven't quit! And regardless of what the scale says at the end of the year, I did it. I stayed true and for that I am happy! With that said, I am committing myself to these two plans. The 30 day shred, and the 10 week focus thingy (I'll have to come up with a name :D). Just had to say it (or type it) out loud for myself, and for the accountability.

I hope all my readers are doing good! I know each of us are working on different plans, different journey's, different diets or non-diets, etc. Regardless of what your doing, stay strong, be true to yourself, and most of all - LOVE yourself!!!! I know I sure love you!!!

I'm Full of It

2010-10-21T23:10:00.000-06:00

So imagine you're on a hike. You come to a fork in the road. You're not really sure what the right way is. You don't really know if the way you choose will take you to your desired destination. But you choose. You make the choice. And you move forward with confidence. Along the way you see beautiful, rich-in-color blossoms and delight in the warm sunshine. You see a delicate doe prancing through an open meadow as the butterflies dance in the wild flowers. You feel God's love for you as you watch the bubbling brook as it laughs it's way down the mountain. It is a glorious trail, and you feel at peace. You come around the bend, and before you is a HUGE boulder indicating the end of the path. So, after leaning on that boulder to take a little breather and rest you turn around and go back. When you get to the fork again, you take the other path.

So the question is... do you get upset about the detour? Do you belittle yourself? Do you say and think hurtful things about the kind of person you are? I mean really... how could you have chosen the wrong path?! Do you get frustrated and think about quiting? About choosing the easy way out?

Or...

Do you relish in the journey? Do you thrill about the small treasures you were given along that short path? Do you thank your Father in heaven for the truly majestic world He has given us? And thank Him for the privilege of being here to witness those small wonders? Do you appreciate the break and rest you received and the strength you've been given to continue on?

If it sounds like I'm trying to say that I'm quiting - I'm not. I'm just admitting to myself that the last two weeks I have been on a detour. I have been reverting back to eating a LOT of fun foods and not so nutritious foods. But worse than that, I have been judging myself for it. I have been considering working out to make up for it. I have been cringing when I look in the mirror and obsessing about the way my jeans fit.

I've been feeling like a hypocrite.

Last night I was reading Intuitive Eating and I read something similar to the hiking scenario I shared. And they pointed out that a hiker would have chosen the later feelings and thoughts. They would not have been upset, but appreciated the detour for what it was. They would be curious and thoughtful about it, but not judgmental and mean.

Yesterday I ate so much food! I did not stop to consider my feelings, my thoughts, anything! I just ate - and ate - and ate! As I went to bed, I was sad. I felt physically horrible. But even worse, I felt spiritually empty. I felt disappointed in myself, and honestly, I felt like I was not the only one that was disappointed in my actions. As much as I talk about not judging my food choices - which I still believe is a true and good principle to live by. I also do believe there is a certain point where too far, is just too far. I went there yesterday. It wasn't the first time I'd been there. The difference? I was aware. I knew it. I saw it. And I did nothing to stop it. Being aware also brings with it responsibility. It was selfish. It was not in the name of learning. And I am not proud of my actions.

As I always say... so now what?

I guess now I find out what I am really made of! I find out just how much I've learned this year. I get to practice "moving on" and "forgiving myself" and "asking for forgiveness". Well I have begun that process today, and I feel much better. It was a real eye opening experience! So I guess it was for learning after all. Just not the kind of lesson I want to have again. I spent the day in quite a bit of prayer and reflection. And actually, it turned into a great day. I went to my meditation class and had a wonderful experience. The spirit was so strong, and I felt my Father's love for me despite my short comings. I also was shown that I have a long way to go - but that if I am willing to do the work - I will not be alone! I will not be left wanting.

Today I felt my hunger. I let myself get really familiar with it. I did not rush in to hurry and eat and protect myself from it. I guess I just needed to really see that, it won't kill me to be hungry. To listen to my hunger. To TRUST myself more. To trust my body more. After all, it is from God, right? So it comes with all these built in features. Like knowing when to eat, what to eat, and when to stop. And if I can just stop getting in my own way, I think the Lord could really make something of me.

Willow has this green ball that she just adores! She carries it everywhere! You can ask her "Where's your ball?" and she'll run all over the house to find it. When we first started training her, we taught her "drop". She would drop it exactly where you could reach it and prepare herself to go fetch it. She LOVES fetch and could play it ALL day! Then we took her to a family party and the kids played with her. And they said drop so many times, that she started to learn it was better to just run away. So now, even though what she wants more than anything is for you to throw the ball. When you say drop, she runs away.

Every time I play this game with her, I think that this is the game I am playing too. Long ago, I knew how to listen to my body. I knew of God's love for me, never questioned it. I was kind and loving to myself, forgiving of others, and only wanted to be a helper. And my love for myself was not dependent on how my body looked. Then through life, I've learned some bad habits, and forgotten some good ones. Now, I am trying to get them back. And even though what I want more than anything is to give it all up to God and let him make me what he knows I can be, I just hang on so tight and run away.

I want to stop being so stubborn. I want to let go. I want to give more and take less. I want to think more about what I say before I actually say it. I want to be less of a hypocrite and more like Christ. I want to love more and judge less. I want to forgive myself for my actions over the last couple of weeks and recognize the detour for what it was - lessons learned. I did pick up some beautiful truths, and I just need to remember them. How am I going to accomplish any of this? Give up. Surrender! I have to stop running and turn my life over. He can do so much more with it than I can. One of the things Clint (my meditation teacher) said tonight is that the sooner I realize that my life is none of my business the happier I'll be. That when we truly give our life over to Christ and let Him work in us, that is when we really can figure out what it's all about. I've heard that before, but it struck a nerve tonight. All I can do is focus on today, on this moment. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but for this moment - for the now, it's time.

Growing Sometimes Hurts...

2010-10-16T12:44:00.000-06:00

But it's so worth it!

What a glorious morning I've had! I slept in! I picked raspberries! And I went for a jog in the beautiful fall sunshine. As I had mentioned, we have started training for our 10k. Earlier this week I ran that two miles. Thursday I was suppose to go out again, but I bummed out (I did go for a two mile walk with my good friend Carebear, but didn't go for my run). Today we were slated for 4 miles, and I did it! I did not run the whole time, but it was a good work out. Running is becoming somewhat of a spiritual experience for me. It's a time when I can communicate with God. It's a time when I'm able to really settle my thoughts down and think about what's really going on. I can think about the whys and whats about my life. It's a time to ponder, and to cheer myself on.

I had posted about the voices in my head, well I have found another one - Coach. I have a coach inside me that pushes me through the hard parts. This voice is kind and strong. It pushes me while not forcing me. It gives me a choice but also tries to show me how strong I really am and when I want to quit - it encourages me to dig deeper and keep going. I like this voice!

So last week I had posted that I was going to focus on choosing foods that give me energy. And I did... until (famous last word...) there was a moment. Most people, if they had seen the moment, if they had been there, would have thought it was no big deal. But to me, it was a big deal. So big in fact, that I just crumbled. Almost instantly. And as I felt myself crumbling food was there to catch me. I had a bit of a relapse the last 4 days or so. I have been binging again. Feeding my emotions to take away the hurt, the pain, the fear, the doubt, and the heavy feeling of knowing generally what I need to do, but not knowing if I can do it. To protect those involved, I can not really go into details here (sorry, I know that bugs). This is something that I knew would happen at some point. I thought that I had been preparing myself, that I would be ready... I wasn't. It has taken me four days to dissect this thing down to the real problem. To figure it all out in my head, and to come to terms with what must be done. And the funny thing? What "must" be done, is something I really want to do! I'm just afraid of it. Because it's so much bigger than I am, what if it swallows me whole? I don't know. I guess I'll find out when I'm on the other side of it. Are you sufficiently confused? :D

I did come to some good conclusions on my run today.

Food does not feed the soul. We talk often of comfort food or of celebratory food. But as I discussed this with God today, I realized, food is just... food. It is meant only to give us energy so that we can LIVE! So that we can serve and love and enjoy life. I don't mean to say food should not be enjoyed - I think it should. I just mean, that every time I binge I think of it as feeding my soul. I'm "feeding" those emotions, right? Wrong! The plate of chips and 1/4 brick of cheese I ate earlier this week - that was not feeding my soul. That was shoving it aside for a carnal need. My soul did not need that cheese, nor did my body. It needed love, understanding, a listening ear (my own, or a friend's), acceptance, a chance to grieve, to shout, to feel. However, when I choose healthy food (because I want it, not when I choose it out of guilt) that is feeding my body good energy and truly feeding my soul. Because it's showing myself that I honor myself. That I respect my body and love it and want it to have energy. When I do that, I bring my body and soul together as one. I have a feeling I'm in for an emotional week next week. What with the meditation group coming up (meditation usually brings a lot to the surface for me), and this other thing I am going to tackle. So my focus this week? To love & respect my body AND soul by choosing healthy options. To get uncomfortable and allow myself to just feel these emotions instead of pushing them aside to stuff my face. Which leads me to the next thing I discovered on my run...

2. Several times this year I have said "I can do hard things". And that's true, I have learned that about myself. But I have not really got my arms 100% around being uncomfortable yet. To me, sitting with feelings and allowing them to do what they need to do is - uncomfortable! It's awkward and a little scary - because what if those feelings just completely overwhelm me?

This week, on my two jogs, I really focused on being in the "Now". In noticing my body, listening to it. Listening to my feelings, my thoughts, being aware of what was around in me, in front of me, etc. Really looking at my surroundings, the beautiful trees that are changing colors, the beautiful yards with flowers still blooming, smiling at people I see. And I realized that running for me right now? Not comfortable! My feet hurt again, my lungs burn, I get side aches, my legs get tired and feel wobbly. But... I just allowed myself to feel those things and then I kept going! So it turns out that being uncomfortable won't overwhelm me.

Today I went up a street I don't normally run on. It was a busy street, and mostly uphill. I power walked up the hill and when I was about 40ft to the top of the hill, I started to jog. I decided I would go to the next light that was quite a ways in front of me. My coach revved up and I turned the reigns over. She pushed, she yelled a little (but in a good way), she prodded, she didn't let me stop. There was one point while I was running that there was a break in the cars, and the thought came "Stop now, while no-one is watching", but right behind it was the thought, probably from Coach, "Who are you running for anyway? These strangers so they can give you a pat on the back? Or yourself? If this is really for you, then you run even harder when no one is watching!". So I did! I picked up the pace! It was very empowering!

As I got to about the last 150ft I REALLY wanted to stop. But I didn't I pushed through. I was going faster than normal and I pushed through. In my head was coach yelling "You can do this YOU CAN DO THIS, DON"T STOP, YOU CAN DO THIS!" And then there was my voice as well, talking to me about things. And right in the middle of this big push I had some big realizations about "the Moment" that broke me this week. I realized that the "moment" had given me so much in my life. Had given me strength and courage. Has always had faith in me and knew that I could do what EVER I wanted. And now it was my turn to return the favor. This amazing gift I have been given - my life changing forever this year - it was now my turn to give back. And in that 150 yards as I hurled myself toward the corner so I could stop running, I was given all the strength, courage, passion, and desire I will need to accomplish the task before me. I still don't know the details. I still don't have a clue how in the world I will do it, but I know that I am not alone in it, and that gives me comfort, joy, and excitement! God is so good!

So now... I act. Now I pray. Now I find it in me to do what I need to, to give with all my heart, and hope that it is received. Thanks for coming on this run with me today. You didn't know it, but you were there too. I spoke to you a good amount of the time too. I must have written about 5 posts. Some I may post, others I won't. But you were there, you felt what was in my heart, and for now, that is enough.

Love someone today! Make someone's day and life better through your actions! And please know, that I love you!

Time to Turn Up the Energy!

2010-10-12T21:44:00.001-06:00

So my writer's block - GONE! I have so many things I want to blog about but not enough time! A couple of maintenance things. Becky - I served in Alaska! LOVED it! :D Also, I haven't forgot about my blog candy, it's not here yet, coming later this week, I'll do a drawing soon. And will put everyone's name in who has left a comment since that post. Those who commented on that specific post - get their name in twice!

Anyway...

Yesterday was not the greatest day. It started out well, I had a tasty and healthy breakfast. But I sorta fell to pieces around lunch and dinner got even worse. Not that what I ate was terrible for my body, more the amount of food that I ate. And I wasn't really feel emotional or anything. This morning I was pondering on it in the shower and I think what is going on, I'm tired! I'm so tired all the time and I was trying to eat for energy. Problem is, the foods I chose are not the kind that will give me lasting and real energy. So today I tried something new.

I thought about all the things that could give me real energy.

1. Healthy food

2. Sleep

3. Exercise

4. Spiritual enlightenment

Huh. Interesting! Okay, not rocket science, but it was a wake up call to me none the less. So I need to break it down.

1. Healthy food: I actually have been eating great. I have been following my body, not overeating very often. And adding some fruits and veggies back in. I went to the store last week and hardly bought any play food. But I still am finding myself even when my body is craving a healthier choice, going toward the more fattening/starchy/sweet options. I don't think those things are bad for me anymore. I really don't. But I also don't think I can sustain life on them. They just don't give me enough energy. So today when I was considering what to eat, I asked myself "What will give me energy?" and "What will make me feel awesome?" (that second question came off of one of my Intuitive friend's blog, but I can't remember which one. If it was you, claim it!).

So what have I eaten today? First of all, I haven't overeaten at all! Yay! For breakfast Mike made his famous egg sandwich. It was on English muffin bread, with 2 fried eggs, ham, melted pepper jack cheese and mayo. Yum! Usually I can eat a whole one, but today I ate about 1/4 and was full. I went through our fridge as I made my lunch with ENERGY being the driving force and this is what I ended up with. Green grapes and fresh picked raspberries for a morning snack. Lunch was a LARGE salad with cherry tomatoes, olives, baby corn, cucumber, carrots, 1/2 avocado, ham, and my favorite home made 1000 island dressing. And some crackers crumbled on top. For my afternoon snack I had an apple and some more salad. (I couldn't eat it all) It was DELISH! And several people commented on how tasty the salad looked. It really was so good! I was thinking to myself, if most people saw a heavier girl like me eating this, they'd probably think I was dieting. But... I wasn't. I put a lot of dressing on, and I enjoyed every bite of that dressing. Before eating this way, I would have put probably 1/4 on. Or I would have put on the same amount, but felt guilty about it. Today, I just felt satisfied and energized! It was awesome! So this will be my new mini focus for the next week. "What will give me Energy?"

2. Sleep - I actually do okay here. We go to bed fairly early, because Mike has to get up at 4:30. I usually end up rolling out of bed at 5:30. But I think I want to try for 5 and maybe do some yoga or Pilate's for 30 minutes. Sometimes I think I get too much sleep.

3. Exercise - Exercise energizes me. Okay, not at first. When I first start working out, it zaps my energy for about the first 2 weeks. Then all of sudden I have TONS! I haven't been working out since I quit WW. I may have already said this - so I apologize if I'm repeating myself. But for me exercise has always gone with dieting. I stopped dieting, so I stopped exercising. Funny thing is, I've been missing it. I've been missing the energy that comes from it. The alone time that I get to just be in my head and think things through. The sweat. The feeling of accomplishment. I've realized that I like to exercise. I like to run. Not because it burns calories, but because it makes me feel good.

So I need to update my mini goal. I'm sad to say that I won't be able to hike the Above and Beyond hike this year. I thought maybe I could do it, but... I just am not where I need to be to be able to do it and enjoy it. I could push myself and I know I could finish it. But it would be so hard and painful that it wouldn't be fun and enjoyable. I don't mind pain, but I want this to be something that I can do holding my head high, not dragging my sorry butt up the mountain! So... I've decided to wait until next year. I know that it is in my future, so although I'm bummed, it's okay. My 10k in Moab is quickly approaching, so my focus will be shifting to preparing for that. Mike and I have started our training this week. Over the weekend we were talking about starting with 2 mile jogs and working up to the 6 miles. I told him I didn't think I could run 2 miles straight anymore. He said I could. Well, today I proved him right! It was VERY slow, but I didn't stop once. That is my goal, to run as much of the 10k I can and finish. I'm not worried about my time. I just want to finish. I'm excited about this, it's giving me something to push for, and will bring back the energy I get from the exercise!

4. Spiritual enlightenment - so I am a pretty spiritual person I think. I do my best to follow my religion, I do my best to be kind to others and put them first (that is a work in progress, but I do feel like I'm progressing),, I follow most of the commandments all the time (I haven't killed anyone today), and others I try my best to follow - like loving my neighbor. I'm not perfect at it, but I'm trying. But this morning as I thought about it, I realized that it's all kind of surface. I want to take it deeper. I want to know God and Christ on a personal level. I want to feel their presence in my life all day every day. I want to feel the spirit and know when someone is in need. And be in tune enough to know what it is I can do for them. I think I am going to have to try harder to get that. It's going to take some time studying the scriptures. More time spent in the service of others. Praying more often then once, maybe twice a day - but really learning what it means to live with a prayer in my heart all the time. And I think it means to start meditating again.

I was a massage therapist. And in school I had the privilege of taking some classes on meditation. I had one of the BEST teachers for this named Clint Brock. He is so good. And so in tune with the spirit. I had some amazing experiences. I think some people look at meditation as weird, or evil. But I don't think so. I think it depends on the purpose of your meditation. So many times, we pray but don't give God any time to respond back to us. For me, that's what meditation is. It's quieting my mind so that I can hear the spirit speak to me. And I want so much to hear! To know, and to love! I'm excited about this part of my journey, and truly feel this will also bring me much energy! For book club we will be going to meditate with Clint next week and I am SOOO excited!!!

So these are the things I am going to continue working on. I just needed to get it all out of my head and down on paper (or my blog, so to speak) so that I could define it and have direction.

One last thought, today while I was running, I realized that about 90% of my thoughts were of things in the future. It started with me picking a point to run to. I was picking points so far ahead, I couldn't even visually see them. No wonder it was so difficult. But when I would focus more on the now and pick a point in front of me and get there, it was so much easier. I started listening to my thoughts and realized how often I do that. I am living so much in the future, I'm not enjoying the now. I'm not feeling my body as it is now. But the now is just as beautiful and wonderful as the future will be. And if I don't take time to enjoy it, I'll miss out on some great things. And get to the "future" and it will be empty. I guess all I'm saying - live in the now! It's great to plan and prepare and be ready for the future. But the now is where we are, let's enjoy it!

What gives you energy? And how do you stay focused on the now?

Happy Anniversary to the One I Love!

2010-10-10T09:12:00.001-06:00

Mike and I celebrated our 6th anniversary on Wednesday. Well... actually, we didn't really get to celebrate until last night, but.... still. :) We worked in the temple Wednesday night, so that was an appropriate place to be, even if I only got to see him for about 5 minutes. Last night we went on a date, enjoyed dinner and time together. It was a wondeful evening, makes me so happy to have this good man in my life!

I thought that I would share some memories with you, and to journal my thoughts.

Mike and I met the day after I returned home from serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I had returned to The Cowboy Grub to see about getting my old job back, and he was serving. We flirted over the next couple of weeks as I adjusted to being home. Actually, he purposely would put his arm around me or tease me because he knew it made me so uncomfortable! (For those who are unfamiliar with LDS missionaries, while you are on your mission, which is 18 months for girls, there is no dating. At all. In fact the only physical contact you can have with a male is shaking hands. Or a high 5. :D) So I was pretty awkward!

Then about two weeks later, he messed up a ticket for a party pretty bad. And since I was the manager on shift, I fixed it. To "thank me" he asked me if I wanted to go to dinner after our shift. Me being the bone head I am - did NOT realize he was asking me out! Ha! I just thought he was being polite, so I politely declined, as I had to close. But as he walked away I thought... "Hmm... I think he was asking me out!" It was like a light bulb went on and you could hear the forehead slap across the restaurant! I ended up not having to close, so I asked him if he still was up for it. Some day I'll have to finish the rest of our story, it's pretty funny actually! But for now I'll say we had a delightful date! That weekend he went to Idaho to visit some - cough cough - "friends". Upon returning he realized he liked me better! Asked me out on a second date and that was that. We were together every day for the next 2 1/2 months until he proposed. Another 2 1/2 months later we were married in the Manti Temple! And it has been a happy 6 years!

As you can see, we've had a lot of fun! I couldn't find the wedding pictures, so I'll have to post them later, I know their somewhere! Anyway...

Mike, I'm going to keep this simple. I love you! I will always love you! It has been a delightful 6 years, and as I said last night - I think the next 6 are going to be even better!!!

Shocked, Awed, Puzzled, and Humbled - just to name a few!

2010-10-09T11:57:00.000-06:00

So if you read a couple a posts ago, you read about my pants that don't fit. Eek! And you've probably read me mentioning that I have gained somewhere around 10lbs. Well, this morning, I was really feeling that 10lbs. Mike and I were cuddling, and I quietly said "Mike, I'm gaining weight". And he gently said "I know". It wasn't mean or hurtful, just an acknowledgment of the truth before us. But then he tenderly said "But Sam, if you are going to do this, then that has to be okay for now". I just LOVE LOVE LOVE this man!! He is so good to me! He has NEVER made me feel bad about my weight! And supported me on every hair brain diet I've tried! And as such, fully supports this intuitive eating decision as well. Anyway... that was the end of the conversation on that and we moved on to other topics. He is working some overtime today, so after he left I ate - not nutritiously to be honest - but I didn't eat past fullness. So that was good!

I was thinking about the weight I've gained, and I really wanted to know how much it was. I'm not really sure why I wanted to know, or what purpose it would serve. I just... needed to know. Maybe so I could except what was really there and face it straight on? Maybe so I could lament it and eat more? Maybe.... I don't know. But before I really even had time to think about it I had unpacked the scale, put it in "it's place" and stepped on... ... ... and...

219.8 flashes up.

Which is less then the 220.2 I saw the last time I stepped on the scale - 3 weeks ago.

Which was just barely over the 219. 2 I was at when I started eating intuitively on Aug 25.

WHAT???!!!

Where was my 10lb gain I was so sure of! I can see a difference in my body folks! I can feel a difference in my clothes! They are tighter! All I can think is this, that because I stopped exercising, I've gotten a little puffier. The muscle I had building is not as defined (meaning I'm loosing muscle - bad - but I can reverse that!), and there for I look heavier and am... puffier. Does that even make sense? I'm not explaining it right, but it makes sense in my head, so I guess that's okay for now. :D

So what does this mean then?

First, I'll admit I was really relieved! I have worked really really really hard this year and I was sad to see it go by the way side. Even though I understood that it was for a good purpose, and that it wasn't long term, it was still sad to see it happen. Then I was happy. I haven't gained weight! I haven't gained weight! And then I was contemplative. I dissected what the real questions are here.

So what if I had? What would I have felt/thought/done/said then?

Why does it even matter? Aren't I suppose to be focusing on finding peace with food - rather than with the scale?

Does this validate intuitive eating? Or just mean I'm lucky?

Does this validate me as a person and make me happier?

Does the number on the scale really define me and get to dictate my attitude and happiness?

Here is where I have landed on all of that ("that" being all those questions, feelings, and thoughts tumbling around in my head)...

I am not my number. I am not my weight. I am me! And "me" is SO much more then a stupid number. I truly truly hope that even if I had gained 10lbs, I would come to that SAME conclusion. That it was 10lbs, and in the eternal perspective of things - so what about 10lbs!

So I haven't gained weight, what have I gained?

1. Understanding.

2. Peace.

3. Freedom from dwelling thoughts about food.

4. Freedom from a CONSTANT food obsession (not to say that it's all gone, but it's not constant anymore)!

5. The binge, while still present, is diminishing in it's power over me.

6. I have a sense of control that I haven't felt... ever? Maybe not ever... but .... well maybe ever!

7. Love! I have found a new way of loving myself! I love myself and am trying to treat myself with kindness. To not be harsh when I mess up, but to accept myself for my weaknesses and encourage myself to listen more - be aware more - and by doing so - have more. And when I mess up to learn from it, rather than judge myself for it.

8. A better relationship with Mike. It's not perfect, because I am not perfect! But I feel like we've been more loving, more understanding, more kind with each other lately. I think that some of that has to do with the fact that I am finding peace within me. The truth is when you are kind to yourself, it is easier to be kind to others. I feel a little sad that it has taken me so long to learn this. And feel bad that Mike has had to put up with my crap for so long, but I'm happy to say it's getting better!

9. I have found my power to make choices - not out of guilt - but because I WANT to make them.

10. And lastly, a deepened understanding of God's love for me!

Wow, I have gained 10 after all! :D This is a journey I didn't even imagine would be mine for at least 2-3 more years. When I started this blog, and started reading and learning about intuitive eating, I would always just think that I would do that when I had lost the weight. But the Lord had a different plan and I am SO glad and grateful that he has directed me to this. Because now I don't have to wait 2-3 years for this. I get it now! And maybe it has stalled my weight loss. But... I AM okay with that, because really I have gained so much more. And I know that as I continue to grow in all those areas I listed, the weight will become less and less important. And then it will just come off anyway, because I won't need it anymore. I think that's the real reason I've been hanging on to it for so many years. Its not because the diets didn't work, or because of my lack of will power. It's because it's been protecting me, hiding me, and was my way of loving me. But... I'm learning that I don't need protecting anymore. And I don't need to love myself that way anymore, because I have found a better way to love. And it feels so right!

Something's Missing

2010-10-04T21:03:00.000-06:00

So today I had an argument with Mike. Let me be frank, I started it. I didn't mean to, but I did. And I'm very sorry about that - which I have expressed to him with many hugs and kisses!

But after our argument, something interesting happened. He went down to change the oil in my car (thank you!) and I am trying to read my book club book before next week (Eat Pray Love). So I sat down to read for a few minutes...

In the kitchen.

Where the food is.

After a fight.

See where this is going?

Although I was pretending to read, I was really rehashing what had happened, and my part in it. Those voices I spoke of yesterday? They are alive and active today! There were all sorts of blame and mean thoughts a flyin'. The Food Police and Nutrition Informant were just warming up and before I know it, I've got a roll in one hand dipping it into my FAVORITE 1000 island dressing (Homemade from the Cowboy Grub - if you're local you should go try it!) and "reading".

In other words I'm mindlessly eating to numb my shame and hiding from the pain by reading.

But there was something missing - the mindlessness. The numbness. The oblivion. It was gone.

It was like I'm doing the actions of what normally brings on the numbness and what shelters me from the raw feelings that if felt will probably kill me. Or at the very least bring me to my knees in agony! But instead? I'm just watching myself eat this food and getting NO payout for it! And thinking "Why am I even doing this"? Normally in the middle of a binge I get so frenzied, that I can only focus on the food and getting it in faster and faster. This time, it was like I was eating the food... but also like I was apart from myself watching it and having totally rational thoughts about it. And I only had three rolls - which for me is like a warm up ...

And I just stopped.

Not because I felt guilty, or because it was the right thing to do, or because eating so much food was going to make me gain, or because of any other reason - except that I realized it was no longer necessary.

I could deal with these feelings. I could deal with the fact that I hurt someone I love and accept the responsibility of that, the consequences of that, and yes - the shame. And that maybe rather than eating about it, I should focus some time on how I can improve my actions so as to not hurt again.

I think that the "binge" is losing it's draw and power over me! I'm saddened that it took a fight with Mike for me to have this lesson, but at least two good things came out of it! I learned I do have power over food. And my eyes were opened to some loving changes I need to make.

I know it will probably not be the last time I want to binge, but today was a victory for me!

That's the Difference....

2010-10-03T21:31:00.000-06:00

Yesterday Mike and I were going to hike to dog lake. I went to put on a pair of pants that fit me last month, and they were way too tight with a muffin top. I didn't physically hyperventilate, but I instantly felt the panic start to rise up my throat. But before it even made it's way to my mouth to let out a terrified scream something happened...

But before I tell you what...

I'd like to introduce you to the voices in my head, along with principle 4 in the Intuitive Eating book. All these quotes are directly from the book, and if you are at all interested in trying this I highly recommend you pick it up! *I'd like to interject here that truly this principle can apply to anyone no matter what eating path they have chosen. Please don't stop reading just because you are not interested in Intuitive Eating! While some of what I'm about to share may only apply to an Intuitive Eater, I encourage you to pull from it what you find helpful and apply it to what you are doing.

"We have become a nation riddled with guilt about how we eat. Even non dieters experience eating angst. In a random survey of 2,075 adults, 45 percent said they feel guilty after eating foods they like! And nearly all of our clients also feel that way - guilty, guilty, guilty!"

- Page 112 Intuitive Eating

I have lived my life in a guilty state for probably the last 15 years or more! Guilty over the foods I eat, who I am, what I've done, who I had become, what I haven't done, etc. I think that is what draws me so much to this book and way of living. Is because I am tired. I am tired of feeling guilty all the time. I am tired of not liking who I am. I am tired of judging others and feeling judged. I don't think that is how God intended for me to spend my life, and I don't want to anymore. Principle 4 is about learning to hear, distinguish, and challenge if need be the voices in your head. It's about gaining freedom from the guilt - and I for one am ready!

The Food Police - "The Food Police is a strong voice that's developed through dieting. It's your inner judge and jury that determines if you are doing "good' or "bad." The Food Police is the sum of all your dieting and food rules. " I have said it before, and I'll say it again, I believe that we do have to show some righteous judgement in this life. Some things really are just bad. Stealing from a bank - bad. Killing some one - bad. Wearing socks with flip flops - bad. ;) So at first, I struggled a little with this voice. But the more I thought about it and have listened for this voice, what I have heard is not righteous judgement coming from it. I have heard hurtful, spiteful, meanness! I have heard hate and loathing. I have heard unfair judgements and criticisms - all about myself, food, and my choices on food. This to me is the Food Police. And it's true - some of where it is coming from is made up of all the different "rules" I have learned through the years from the myriad of diets I have tried. I think every person's Food Police is going to look, sound, and be different. It is up to each of us to decide what that voice is, and to challenge the things it's telling us! The main point - this is typically not a nice voice. If someone in real life were saying these things, you would not listen, and not be around that person. So why do we continue to let said voice live inside us?

The Nutrition Informant - "The Nutrition Informant provides nutrition evidence to keep you in line with dieting. The Nutrition Informant voice may tell you to fastidiously count fat grams, or eat only fat-free foods, often in the name of health.... This voice colludes with the Food Police. It operates under the guise of health, but promoting an unconscious diet." The interesting thing about this voice, is that it can be turned into an ally - The Nutrition Ally when the Food Police has been exiled. "The newly emerged Nutrition Ally is interested in healthy eating with no hidden agenda... One distinguishing factor between the Nutrition Ally and the Nutrition Informant is how you feel when you respond".

The Diet Rebel - "The voice of the Diet Rebel often bellows loudly in your head. It sounds angry and determined. Some of the things it may yell at you: "I'll show you, you think I should lose five lbs, huh - I'll put on ten!" or "Let's see how many cookies I can stuff in before mom comes home"." This voice is in direct rebellion to the Food Police and the Nutrition Informant. But it's not a healthy rebellion, and keeps me on the roller coaster of binging and over eating by trying to be defiant. However, this voice can also turn into an ally and become the Diet Ally. The Diet Ally - "Use the Diet Ally to help you protect your boundaries against anyone who invades your eating space. Use your mouth for words, instead of food in a direct but polite manner." (as I started to comment on the Dieting Rebel, this whole next piece just kind of came rolling out - I guess I needed to express myself) Eating is a very personal and individual thing. I think that we need to let each person do what they need to do and encourage them in the path that they have chosen. I'm finding that to be the case with this shift from dieting to intuitive eating. I have been feeling a little judged, but to be truthful, I have been judging too. I think the main reason I feel judged is because I know that I am now doing something so drastically different than what most of my readers and friends are, that my inner voice (maybe something along the lines of the Food Police) is telling me that because I'm doing something different, now people won't like my blog. My insecurities kicked in and before you know it, I've told myself all kinds of crazy stories. The truth? There may be some that don't like it, and will stop reading. But I believe that most of the people that read my blog, read it because of me. Not because of my fantastic knowledge of dieting, or food, or intuitive eating. But just because I'm being me and because they love me for me. Just as I have been feeling judged, I have also been a little pushy about sharing my excitement. Because now I found something that makes my heart sing, I want to share it! If I have left any comments or posted anything that has hurt some one's feelings - I'm sorry! That is not my intention. I am just going to do my thing on my blog, and encourage others to do theirs when I leave comments. This doesn't have to be about judgement, it can be about accepting each other right where we are at. Some of my friends don't get it. It's different and it scares them. The idea of not thinking of weight loss first or of not dieting or not getting on a scale at least once a day is inconceivable. And I've received some well meaning comments on my blog and off that have actually really hurt. This is where my Diet Ally comes in, and helps me find the voice to say this is my right to choose how I want to eat and live. And I'm okay with the fact that you don't get it. In fact, I'm not asking you to get it. I'm just asking you to love me for who I am, and I'll love you for who you are. My talking about it in life, and on my blog, is my way of processing what I'm learning and journaling about it. I'm not trying to push this on anyone. I know that I've left some over zealous comments, but I am really trying to rein those in and to just offer encouragement. Each of the blogs I read, or friends I speak with are different. And what works for one, is not going to work for another. I guess I would just like to throw out the challenge that we all just love each other for who we are. Accept that we each may make different choices, but that that is what makes this world so interesting! (Sorry, I guess my Diet Ally had more to say than I thought.)

The Nurturer - "The Nurture's voice is soft and gentle and has the soothing quality that might be associated with the voice of a loving grandparent or best friend. It has the ability to reassure you that you're okay and that everything will turn out fine. It never scolds or pressures. It's not critical or judgmental. Instead, it is (or can be) the vehicle for most of the positive self-talk in your head". I find that this voice is really hard to hear. But this is also my favorite voice! This voice is kind - it's the me that wants so badly to treat others and myself with love and respect and tries to always look on the bright side!

The Food Anthropologist - "The Food Anthropologist is simply the neutral observer. This is the voice that makes observations without making judgment. It's a neutral voice that takes note of your thoughts and actions with respect to your food world, without an indictment." I also find that this voice is very quiet and often goes unheard. I have to try really hard to hear it, but I'm getting there. I love that there is no emotion tied to this voice. It's just - here are the cold hard facts. Take them as you will.

The Intuitive Eater - "The Intuitive Eater speaks your gut reaction... The Intuitive Eater is a compilation of the positive voices of the Food Anthropologist, who is able to observe your eating behavior neutrally, and the Nurturer, who holds you with supportive statement to get you through the tough times, as well as the Rebel Ally and the Nutrition Ally." This is like all the happy voices rolled into one. Not there yet. :)

Okay, so here is my interpretation of what all this means. I think it's your typical good vs. evil. On one side, you have the yucky mean voices. On the other side, you have your super positive - almost too "the world is happy" voices. You have the anthropologist in the middle - I look at him (why it's a "him" I don't know, just is) as the reality check. And when you can finally use all of them for good, that is when you have the Intuitive Eater voice driving. I know - now I sound REALLY crazy! :)

So let's go back to the tight pants. I pick them up and before I've even put them on, the Food Police "I bet those aren't going to fit, you've been eating so much crap, you've gained too much weight!" and the Nutrition Informant pipes in with "Yeah, I told you not to eat at Del Taco, but did you listen to me? NO! And then you just ate too much (stupid) and now (the Food Police chimes in here) you are too fat to fit in those pants, which never looked good on you any way, (Nutrition Informant finished with), you should have a salad for dinner!". I put the pants on, zip them up, look in the mirror and see the muffin top and my Food Police and Nutrition Informant start doing the polka because they are SO excited that they were right!! "See!! All this garbage about listening to your body - see where that has got you?! Just go back! GO back while you can (stupid)!"...

In the past, I would have been cowed and said "ok" with my head down and had salad. OR, my Diet Rebel would have kicked in and said "Oh yeah - well screw you guys - I'm going all the way since I've ruined things already! Hey Mike - let's order Domino's!".

But here is the difference... that's not me anymore! So within the same breath of those two knuckle heads doing the polka - the Nurturer and Anthropologist stepped in. And here is the cool part - I HEARD THEM! The anthropologist said "This Intuitive Eating thing, while it may look like I have just fallen off the bandwagon, as I have with every other diet I've ever done, I haven't. Although I am eating foods that I know will not help me lose weight, and amounts of food some days that I know will not help me lose weight, I am hyper aware of my surroundings. Of my feelings. Of everything that is passing through my lips and how I feel about it. Although I am eating a lot - it is not mindless. It may not be calculated, but it is not mindless." And then the Nurturer chimed in with "And sweetie, that is the difference! You are taking time out for you and that is okay! It's okay that you've gained a little weight, because it won't be staying! You are being so brave and I'm so proud of you. I'm proud of the courage you are showing and I know that this weight will come off soon. Just keep being brave! These pants are uncomfortable, let's put something on that feels good and that we are comfortable in". So, I decided to listen to the later voices. I calmly changed my pants and went on a beautiful hike with my husband! Which was a whole other story to tell - so stop by tomorrow! :)

I hope the introduction to my voices as been entertaining and also informative. I hope it will help you identify your own voices. So often I read other blogs or talk to friends, who also belittle themselves and are so down on themselves, their choices, etc. If this is you, and you are in that place - I beg you to stop. To LOVE yourself! You are a good person and you deserve good things. Happy things, and a happy life! And if you have a voice that is telling you otherwise - please challenge it!!!

Fall in Utah - one of my favorite times!!

What a Week!

2010-10-02T12:51:00.000-06:00

Before I start - I was suppose to draw a winner for the blog candy yesterday, but haven't gotten too it. I'm going to do it Monday night and give anyone who still wants in a little extra time. Just post a comment on this post about anything, and you're name will go in the drawing! Thanks!

So I have had some writer's block going on. I look at my blog, and all the blogs on my blog rolls every day. Well, I don't read every blog every day. But over the course of the week, I usually have stopped by them all. And every day I think of something I want to post about. But when I sit down to actually do it? I can't! I don't know what is going on.

Some of the things I've thought about posting on?

*What TERRIBLE drivers we have in Utah!!! With the new job, I now have a 30 minute commute on the freeway. And what have I learned from this experience? People are rude!! I am not claiming to be the best driver. In fact I often make mistakes that I know frustrate other drivers. And although I do speed quite often, I try VERY hard to be a courteous driver. Slow down, move over, let people in, don't cut people off, etc. But I get so upset when people are BLATANTLY rude!!! GRRRR

*The excitement I feel about the fact that I am finally figuring things out at work. I'm still rather slow, and am asking a TON of questions. But it is starting to come together and I am asking less questions and accomplishing more!

*Why I can't seem to leave the last two bites of any meal alone - even when I am completely satisfied and no longer feel hunger! I can be completely aware and in the moment. And listening to my body and my hunger and will get down to just those last two bites... and I think "I am done". But inevitably, between the time it takes me to put it in the garbage, it's made it in my mouth!!! WHY! Habit? I'm not really full? It just tastes good? I don't know!

*How I again realized that I no longer want to wait for "until I weigh..." to live my life. There are things I've been putting off, it's time to stop putting them off and live.

*Some sadness and frustration I've been feeling at seeing others progress and myself not progressing in such a visible way. Several of my blogging friends and friends in real life (I hate that saying, because I think my blogging friends are friends in real life as well - but you know what I mean, right?) have been hitting some big weight loss milestones. And while I am THRILLED for them, I have to admit there has been some sadness and jealousy felt. I know that I've gained somewhere between 5-10lbs. And most of the time, I am perfectly okay with that. I am at peace with this path and deep down I know that I am making progress. I am more at peace with food then I think I have EVER been! And I am starting to crave, buy, and eat real food again. It's not just all play food (a new name for junk food). I have started exercising again and I feel awesome about that! I think the problem is that I have not completely given up my attachment to having a weight loss goal. And so when I see others doing it, and I'm not, it's easy to fall into comparing myself to them. But I am working on it, and I am aware of the... problem? That's not the right word, but basically I know that one, I shouldn't compare myself to others. And two, I've chosen a very different path and therefore the results are just going to be different. And three, I do want to find peace and happiness with myself as I am now. And because of that, I know that eventually - hopefully sooner than later - I will want that more then I want to lose weight. And the funny thing is, it's probably when I get to that point, that I will actually start to lose weight again!

*The giddiness that I felt when I had the perfect eating day yesterday! Not because I ate only healthy foods or certain amounts - but I followed my hunger signals, and didn't go past my satisfaction/no longer hungry signal once!

*The sickness I had from binging SO bad on Thursday night! I wasn't able to go home after work to eat dinner, as I had a Pampered Chef show I was doing for a friend. And I went to Del Taco for dinner. I do recognize that is probably not the most nutritious food I could eat, but it was what I wanted. But... I just ate WAY too much and far pass my signal to stop. I blatantly ignored it just as some of my fellow Utahans blatantly ignore traffic rules! I was MISERABLE the rest of the night, and the next day! Yuck! But... the good news, I didn't beat myself up over it. Well, actually I started to. But then I recognized the voices in my head and chose which ones I am going to listen to. So although I felt awful, it was a learning experience.

*The empowerment I felt when later that same night, I again wanted to eat (although I don't know how I could have), but recognized I was wanting to feed some emotions (the emotions of seeing others lose weight and feeling sadness that I wasn't as explained above) I was feeling - so instead I sat with those feelings until I finally realized I was exhausted and just needed some sleep. Sitting with your feelings is so interesting. If you've never done it, try it. The next time you are feeling the urge to eat, but know you're not hungry. Just sit somewhere in the quiet and listen to the thoughts in your head. If you have ever wondered if you are crazy, this will prove to yourself that you are. Because as soon as you get quiet, you start hearing the cacophony of voices in your head. The one telling you to eat, the one observing your not hungry. The one telling you it's safe to feel this feeling and it won't kill you and to love yourself. The one that is SO insistent that you eat something or you will die! It's.... an experience. And the loudest one is the one telling you to eat. So you really have to listen, and each time it speaks, tune in to what the others are saying. Try it. Anyway... I went to bed!

*And lastly, an analogy presented it's self yesterday morning as I was still contemplating all of the above things! As I was driving on the freeway, there was no one in front or behind me for several hundred yards in each direction. I basically had this little pocket of empty space all to myself. And yet I found myself speeding up so that I could catch up to the pack. But then, I thought, why do I want to do that? So that I can then drive behind someone and be frustrated that they are not going as fast as I want to, or doing something that bothers me. So I slowed down. I enjoyed where I was and being alone on the road. I felt safe and secure (I tend to get nervous driving on the freeway, when I was 15 I was in a 15 car pile up and it left a bad taste in my mouth), in control, and was actually comfortable going 10 miles slower than I normally go. I know, I shouldn't speed as much as I do! Anyway... as this happened, it just kind of hit me that the same thing is going on with my weight loss/peace with food journey. I have been comparing myself to others who in a sense are ahead of me right now in their weight loss. I was wanting to hurry up and catch up with them. But... I don't want to diet anymore. I just don't. And I'm not trying to knock that for anyone else or anyone else's decisions. I realized that this path I have chosen is a slower path, and if I'm really going to do it, then I've got to be okay with it. But... by doing so, I have found safety and security, I have been more comfortable with food and with myself, I have found an empty space where I can learn and grow and am in control.

I am okay.

I know that my blog has not seemed like the happiest blog lately. But I truly am happy! I am excited at where I am in my life right at this moment, and I am hopeful for the future! And even though it was kind of a busy and rough week, all in all, I'd say it was pretty good! And now, it will end with a beautiful fall weekend, where I will get to listen to the leaders of my church in our bi-annual conference, go hiking in the beautiful mountains and enjoy the fall colors with my sweet little family, and hopefully get a little rest!

As you can see, I've had LOTS on my mind!!

Learning to Crawl

2010-09-26T11:10:00.000-06:00

Don't miss out on the opportunity for BLOG CANDY! Read my last post too!!

So this last week was much better. I finally feel like I'm getting the hang of my new job. I'm still slow and ask LOTS of questions, but it doesn't sound like someone is speaking gibberish to me when I get the answers - so that's good! :) I ended up taking Thursday off because I wasn't feeling well. I've been having headaches a lot and it finally just got to me. I think they are due to all the sugar I've been eating (more on that in a minute) and my screen at work was all funky. But the fabulous IT department got my screen fixed, and I'll be coming down off my sugar high soon, so... it's all good. The day off really did me wonders though, I was able to get some real sleep and spent the day in silence. No music. No TV. No movies. No phone. It was wonderful! I just spent time with me. And Willow of course.

Friday was Mike's birthday! HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY my love!! We've had a lot of good times in the last 6 years!!

I just love you SOOO much! Every day I thank my Father in heaven that he gave you to me. That he prompted me to go back to the Grub so we could meet. You are the joy of my life and I cannot imagine it without you. Thank you for all the hard work you do at work, and at home. You are so good to me, and I adore you!! I'm so proud of you for doing the two triathlons that you did, and know you will continue to get better and better until you are winning them! :) Happy Birthday!!

So things in the eating realm are going pretty well. I can tell that I've gained some weight, but... I'm okay with that. I am learning and know that as I continue to figure this out, it will come off. As mentioned a couple of posts ago, I am in the "eat anything I want stage". And believe me, I have worked this stage! :) I'm starting to realize that eating like this, while fun at first, is not something I want to do for my whole life. I feel lethargic most days, I have no energy, I just want to sleep. My exercise has pretty much come to a screeching halt. But I have been learning a lot about myself. I have been doing really well with only eating when I'm hungry. I am listening to my body and can feel the different stages of hunger really well. I know when it's time to eat. Sometimes I'm not able to eat then, so I also recognize when I have gone past that and am too hungry - which leads to problems.

I still am struggling with recognizing the fullness signal. Actually, no, I recognize it. I'm having trouble honoring it. I finally realized why though, I was still eating with distractions. Reading, watching TV, blogging etc. I kept thinking to myself, I'll just sit here and watch this, but I will also pay attention. And then I never would and I would eat right past full. Or I would only take a small amount with me thinking that would stop me, but then I'd just get more. I have also started watching Buffy (The Vampire Slayer series) again. There was about a year and 1/2 when that is about all we did. Watch and eat. So the fact that I turned it on again, not good.

The good news is that I recognized what was going on after only a couple of days, and have put a stop to it. On Thursday I boxed up all my diet books, food scale, and real scale. I also boxed up Buffy. I realize that I no longer need her as a coping mechanism (Yes, I am a dork, and I know it. ;D). I can cope just fine on my own, thank you. So my focus this week is to truly eat with no distractions. So our new rule in the house, we only eat in the kitchen. It goes back to habits. I have habits in the past of stuffing myself while watching a movie. Eating and eating and eating while reading a book in bed. Mindless stuffing food in my mouth while playing on the computer. But I don't really have any habit's associated with eating in the kitchen. And I'm not talking about eating at the refrigerator. I mean, we sit down and have a meal as a family at the kitchen table. We talk. We share. We eat. And... we have this new habit - we stop when we are satisfied! It's amazing! It seems to be really working... huh, who would've thought! ;)

As mentioned, I've been really tired. But I am starting to get to the point where I know that I can have ANY food I want, but... I don't want it. The other day I went grocery shopping. And I walked down the cookie, candy, and cracker isle. I told myself, "Okay Sam, you can have ANYTHING you want. You can only choose one, but it can be ANYTHING!". There were things that I considered, but when it came down to it, you know what I chose? Not the oreos, not the twinkies, not the rolos, not the taffy cookies. I chose Popcorn. So while I am still making choices that are probably not the most nutritious, I am starting to see that I don't have to eat this kind of food, if I don't want to. That I don't need it. And in some cases, I don't even want it! I'm starting to crave my fruits and veggies again. I actually ate some this week. I'm getting sick of eating out. We built it into our budget as that has always been a part of the "I can't have that, I'm dieting". I needed to be able to eat those things and know, that I would be able to eat them again (when the budget allowed of course). I've started thinking about getting out my recipe books and trying some new things. Things I skimmed over because they didn't fit in the "diet" but that would still actually be quite good for us.

I really feel like I'm making progress.

The other thing is that I am starting to want to jog again. I have slipped enough, that I don't really know where I am at or what I could do. I have a friend that she and I are going to walk twice a week. I think that is perfect. When I began exercising this year, that is exactly what I did. A couple of friends and I went walking. Not even really fast walking. Just walking to enjoy each other and enjoy being out doors. And I slowly worked up to jogging. I've decided to do the same thing. I'm not going to push myself. I know I want to jog again, but I am not going to stress out over it. I am going to go at my own pace. Last time it took me 2-3 months to get up to jogging 2-3 miles. I don't think it will take near as long this time, as I am still in pretty good shape. I also wanted to hike the A&B hike this year, but I just don't know if it's going to happen. I might still try for the end of October, but by then it may be too late in the season. If not, then in the spring for sure! I also know that as I increase my exercise again, my body will start craving real food. Food that will really give it the energy it needs. And I'm happy to say that my heart and mind are not too far from that. Life is good!!

101 Followers, Blog Candy, and Awards Galore for YOU!

2010-09-25T16:25:00.000-06:00

Did you see???!!! I have 101 followers!!! YAY!!!! That was one of my goals for the year, to get 100 followers!!! I am so honored that so many people would want to read the ramblings of this crazy woman! And I know there are a good number of people that read my blog that have not selected to publicly follow (which is fine). I am so pleased that this blog thing seems to really have stuck. That I've stuck with it and that it's made such a difference in my journey this year, and that people are reading it! THANK YOU!!!!

For a milestone like this, I think I should give away some blog candy, don't you??!! I'm glad we agree!!!

This year has been a year for me to overcome fears, insecurities, and doubts. And to learn that - I can do hard things! So, everyone who leaves me a comment (or for those who don't like to comment but still want to participate - you can e-mail me at believeinyourselfsam@hotmail.com) and tells me what is the hardest thing you've done this year and how you feel about it, your name will be entered in the drawing. I'll randomly draw a name and the winner will receive the NEW Bamboo Slotted Spoon Set from Pampered Chef! :)

These spoons will be perfect to help the lucky winner make some yummy and healthy meals in the kitchen!! I will do the drawing on Friday the 1st. Ready Set GO!!

So I have received several awards and I keep forgetting to post them! Today is a good day for it I think! :) So here we go...

Almost a month ago I received the Cherry On Top Award from Lady of the house from It's Time. THANK YOU!!! I know I'm a little late in posting this, but I'm grateful you thought of me!

For this award I need to do the following:
1. Answer the question: If you had one chance to go back and change one thing in your life, would you and what would it be? That is a tough question! Honestly, I don't know that I would change anything. I guess the only thing I can think of is that I have spent the last 15 years or so pinning over my body. Wishing it were better, hating it and being ever so cruel to myself, instead of living. There are so many things I could have done, and didn't do, because I felt like my "body" was holding me back. I guess I wouldn't necessarily change the past. I'm just grateful to now be able to acknowledge this and by doing so, be able to change my future. No longer will I hold back because of my body. I'm not going to wait until I'm a certain size to wear something, do something, or be something. I'm enjoying life in the now, and it's wonderful!!
2. Pick 6 people and give them this award. You then have to inform the person that they have been selected for the award. - I'll get to this one in a minute, so keep reading!!!
3. You have to thank the person (people) who gave you the award. - Seriously, thank you! You are always so sweet to me and I have really appreciated getting to know you through your blog! You have done awesome, and I know you will continue because that's the kind of person you are!! Thank you Lady of the house!!

Then, I received the A Blog with Substance Award from two people!! Wow! Stephanie from She's In There Somewhere and Tammy from A Newer Tammy. THANK YOU ladies!!! That is so nice of you to think of me for this award, I am truly honored!

Okay as a condition of the award, I now I have to sum up my blogging philosophy, motivation and experience in five words and pay it forward by nominating 10 Bloggers for the award.

My five words: Believe In Yourself Every Day. I have learned that believing in yourself is not just a one time decision that you make and then everything is magically wonderful. This is a process that you go through. And everyday, sometimes every hour, every minute - you have to decide again to believe in yourself. To trust yourself. And to love yourself. But each time you make that decision and you live it - you solidify it just a little more. And I truly believe that by doing this over and over that one day it will be automatic and you will treat yourself with love and kindness because you know that is what you truly deserve!

Okay, as for the giving away of both of these awards. I usually try to give awards to people I haven't given them to before, and who haven't received the particular award I'm giving. But... today, instead I'm giving it to EVERYONE!!! That's probably cheating - but... I'm going to anyway! If you are reading this - then you have be given this award!!! Please post it on your blog with pride and share it with others. I really do read all those blogs on my blog roll, and I would guess that it's a good number of them that are following me. So instead of trying to decide who gets these awards, it's EVERYONE! :)

One more thing, if you are following my blog, and you have a blog that is NOT on my blog roll, PLEASE LET ME KNOW! I want to follow you and read your blog! Leave me a comment with your blog and I will add it. That goes for any type of blog, weight loss, intutive eating, Stampin' Up!, friends, family, etc.

Have a GREAT weekend everyone!!!

Taking Control, by Surrendering!

2010-09-19T11:45:00.000-06:00

I'd like to begin this post with a HUGE THANK YOU!!!! I am overwhelmed and appreciative of all the responses I received to my last post. Thank you so much for your love and kindness. For your acceptance and understanding. For your honesty and encouragement! I'd especially like to thank those that called me on the carpet, because that was also needed. I am in awe at the people that I have met along this journey and cannot imagine my life without you. Thank you!!!!

It's been a while since I've written one of my really LONG posts, so... prepare yourself!

My last post was really just the tip of the ice burg for the type of week I had. It was a rough week. Personally, professionally, physically, and... really in every way. This job is proving to be more difficult that I had thought it would be. It is mentally taxing me in a way I haven't been in a long time. I don't say this to brag, but typically I can walk into a new position and within even a week - I get it. That doesn't mean I don't make mistakes or that I still have tons to learn. But I get it, and have come to expect that of myself. Not this time though. There is just SOOO much to learn, I have found myself overwhelmed, frustrated, lost, and venerable. I think that is part of what lead to my last post. It wasn't just my weight loss that I was feeling lost about. I've been working over time trying to spend as much time as I can learning. So that, on top of some very late nights, means not a lot of sleep, eating not the greatest and all that adds up to not a lot of energy. It was just kind of a perfect storm that lead to me coming home on Friday being exhausted, depressed, and ready to quit.

So I ate dinner (too much, of course) and was planning to go to bed at 6:30, (Mike was at Scout Camp) when Liana called and invited to take me on a date. Well how could I turn down a beautiful girl such as her? ;) It was really fun to get out and to chat with Liana and to laugh. I just love that girl!!! Thanks Liana! Saturday morning I slept in until 9, got up and picked raspberries (our fall berries have come in and there are a TON of them! Yum!), ate, and read for a little while. I fell back asleep around 10:30 or 11 until 1:30. As you can see, I was TIRED! When I woke up I took a shower and had some time to ponder my life and recent decisions.

The two decisions that I previously felt so good about - changing my job and to quit WW and try Intuitive Eating came crashing down around me this week. It was time for me to accept that. And to decide what comes next. I was in the shower a long time praying and thinking. This is what I've come to... I'm not quiting either of these choices! I'M NOT QUITING!!!

Okay, so the job - I don't get it. That just means I need to dig in and try harder. I need to ask more questions, ask for more time to understand. I need to access my resources more, and if need be find some others that I don't currently have to help me. I need to give myself time - this isn't going to happen overnight. But I do know that I can do it. I can not only do it, but I can kick butt at it and be one of the top performers.

And as for Intuitive Eating? Well I've had some real break throughs there. So it turns out that I was on the exact path that I was suppose to be on, I just didn't know it. My books came! Remember the two I mentioned? Intuitive Eating and Shrink Yourself? Well, this weekend I've been reading the Intuitive Eating and some BIG light bulbs having been lighting up for me. This is how I look at it, Intuitive Eating is the beginners book. Women Food and God by Geneene Roth is the advanced book. I started on the wrong end, so I only had part of the information I needed. No wonder I was so lost!

If you have read Women Food and God and tried it, and didn't like it. Stop! Before giving up on Intuitive Eating, PLEASE get yourself a a copy of Intuitive Eating and read it!!!!! Please!

Anyway, this book has completely touched my heart and validated everything that I have been going through since August 25th when I decided to quit dieting. Turns out that all along I've been doing almost everything I needed to and have been on the right path - I just didn't know it. So the whole time I was feeling like I was messing up and lost, I wasn't really.

The thing that is so great about this book is that it's just the hard facts. The tell it how it is, and tell you exactly what you need to do. No skirting around the issues, or making any assumptions that you know what their talking about it. It's very to the point and simple. Don't get me wrong, I still find value in Women Food and God, it's just that I wasn't quite ready for the philosophy and vagueness that I got from it. I needed details. I think that after mastering the principals from Intuitive Eating, I'll then be able to go back and read Women Food and God and be able to take SO much more from it!

In the book they speak about the five stages to becoming an intuitive eater. Stage one - Readiness - Hitting Diet Bottom. This is basically when you get to the point when you realize you do not want to diet anymore. You are done being ruled by what other people say you should do to or with your body. You are done feeling guilty for wanting a piece of cake. Done with the guilt, frustration of feeling like you don't have any will power, and done with hating yourself for it. They talk about the fact that before you can move on from stage one, you've got to be ready to really and truly give up on dieting. I wasn't there yet. I think that's why I've been fighting myself so much. I've said I want to do this, but I've kept in the back of my mind that WW is still there - it's a safety net. I can go back if I want. And I guess that's still true. The difference now? I don't want to. I don't ever want to diet again. I don't ever want to teach my children to diet. I want peace with food, and with my body. I want to love myself and not be at battle all the time. I'm giving up the safety net.

Okay, so here is where the biggest a ha moment came for me. I'm in the shower right, and I'm thinking about all this, and up until this point, I've only read about stage one. So I decide, okay. I'm on board, I'm giving up dieting. It's gone. I'm boxing up all my diet books, my scale, my food scale, and getting rid of them. I get out of the shower and read stage two. It was so enlightening that as I'm reading it, I've got tears coming down my face.

Stage two - Exploration - Concsious Learning and Pursuit of Pleasure. The general idea? Get to know food again. Give yourself permission to eat ANYTHING! All those trigger foods, eat them. All those foods you've been denying yourself, or eating in secret - eat them! Eat them until your body realizes you can have them anytime you want! And guess what, at some point you realize, you don't even like them! Or you start to realize that because you know you can have it any time, you no longer feel like you need it all the time. When you quit depriving yourself of it, you realize you don't need it or even want it. It was just that by telling yourself you can't have it that made you want it so much in the first place. During this stage you do not need to focus on what you are eating, at all! You just do your best to honor your hunger and feel your fullness. But even if you can't do that, IT'S OKAY!! That was so big for me. Because as I mentioned, pretty much since I started this, I've overeaten every day. And I've been so upset with myself that I was messing it all up! But I wasn't. That is just a part of my learning. And again, by making it okay, it takes away the... desire for it. I'm not there yet, but I am beginning to understand. Reading this part just was so empowering to me. I realized that without even knowing it, I am already a good way through this process. In the last 3-4 weeks I have eaten things that I haven't eaten in years. I've gone back to things I use to binge on 5 or 6 years ago.

Like this cake for instance. When I was 18 I moved to Arizona for 5 months. While I was there I ate a lot of cake and a lot of pasta. The cake I would make was the one Betty crocker cake with sprinkles and the matching frosting. And seriously, I probably ate one of those pretty much by myself about every week. I haven't had one in so long, but I bought it last week. And we ate it. And you know what, by the time we were about done, I realized, it's not even that good, and I don't want it anymore. But... because I didn't know that that was exactly what this process is about, I was feeling like a failure because I was eating something I thought I was "over". When really, I was just going through what I needed to to really be at peace with that cake and realize, I don't need it anymore. I don't want it anymore, and I have power to make that decision. I didn't realize that I have been working through all my past diets and deprivations. There are other cravings I've been having and giving into that I didn't even realize were something still being "held" over my head!

The other thing I've been doing is trying to force this whole "Feel your feelings, don't eat them". But that is another part of the process that will just happen. My trying to force it was just making it harder and more painful! As I become free from the power food has over me, I will naturally start to separate my emotions from food. A-HA!!!

So this was the paragraph that just opened my eyes and made me realize I AM OKAY!

"[In Stage 2] The bulk of your eating may be in foods that are heavier in fat and sugar than you've been accustomed to - although you may have been eating large quantities of these foods secretly or with guilt. The way you eat during this sage will not be the pattern that you will establish or want for a lifetime. You will notice that your nutritional balance is off kilter and you may not feel physically on top of things during this time. This is all normal and expected. You must let yourself go through this stage for as long as you need. Remember, you are making up for years of deprivation, negative self talk, and guilt. You are rebuilding positive food experiences."

A couple of you called me on it in my last post - I was panicking! I have seen changes in my body and thought I was doing the wrong thing. I thought I was going backwards and that I was going to end up where I began. Turns out, I'm on the right track. I am well into stage two, and now I know it. Something I am learning from both this and my new job - knowledge brings safety. This knowledge has helped me to level out and to breath again. I haven't finished the book yet, but I will probably do so very soon. And then I'll read it again. Although I overate yesterday - twice in fact - I am at peace. I don't feel the need to flog myself for those choices, just to learn from them. If you are so tired of feeling guilty and upset with yourself all the time - go get this book!! I feel like shouting it from the roof tops!!! I feel like commenting on every blog about it! But I will try not to make myself obnoxious about it. I just want you to feel what I feel - peaceful! Unless of course, you already feel peaceful and have found what works for you - than that is awesome!! But I know that there are a good number of people that read my blog that haven't found that. Read this book, you never know - maybe it's the thing for you.

You may have noticed some changes to my side bars and such. A couple of weeks ago I changed my blogrolls, but I found that I bit off more than I could chew in keeping it all organized! :) And I was missing not seeing all of the updates so I could read your blog when you posted. Haha. So I put them all back up. I left the new one for new blogs though. Also, I moved some of the stuff up to the top menu bar to declutter. And I got rid of the numbers. Because it's not about the numbers for me anymore. Don't worry though, I'll still talk a lot about how I'm feeling about my body, my health, the way my clothes are fitting etc.

Wow, long post, I warned you. :) If you made it this far, thanks. And again, thank you for all the love you've shown me! Right back at ya! I just love all my friends from blogging, in real life, and my family! If there is ever anything I can do to help you, just ask! I've got to get running so I'm not late for church. Have a beautiful Sunday!